Thousand Movie Project

Wherein the narrator makes his first Long Island Iced Tea behind the bar, and wonders how anyone can drink this, then encounters a roach in the shower before thinking aloud about marriage for a while. Support DEAD IN THE WATER on Seed & Spark: https://seedandspark.com/fund/dead-in-the-water#story

Wherein, for relative lack of flesh-and-blood company, the narrator confides his vague distress about something, and also tells of how he was kicked out if McDonald's and got embroiled in a whole corporate shitshow.

Wherein the narrator talks about eating lotsa bread lately, how QUEEN'S GAMBIT is secretly about turning thirty, riffs about the bad sort of male self-help guru, and then has a great conversation with another local podcaster, entrepreneur, and social media manager for Gray Goose Vodka, Blair Cassuto.

Wherein the narrator, a newly-appointed bartender, presents us with two spooky tales about customers to whom he's been serving daytime drinks--presents us, as well, with a careful critical dissection of a Donald Trump phonecall, and a glimpse into Giorgio the Synth King's latest project.

Wherein the narrator goes on, at yet greater length, about his new job as a server at a pizza parlor, and also tells an old Buddy Hackett joke and wonders at his own use of certain words over others and why, despite being ~happy~ as a server, he's so relentlessly self-deprecating and condescending about it.

Wherein the narrator provides exhaustive detail about his new job at a pizza parlor, digressing briefly to address sex in his first (and last) long-distance relationship, the horse in his neighborhood, and how he was a very bad drug dealer in college. This episode sponsored by the LEARN SPANISH CON SALSA PODCAST. https://www.learnspanishconsalsa.com/podcast/

Wherein the narrator assesses the issue of the least-pronounceable condiment, addresses his departure from a recent job, and talks about becoming a rideshare driver and discovering the radio again after nine months in quarantine.

Wherein the narrator attempts to start doing two episodes a week by releasing a shorter episode, comprising little vignettes, in advance of Friday's proper monologue.

Wherein the narrator addresses his interest in the fact that if he were president then he too would have an airplane with a desk inside, and also he quotes "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" and Sergio Leone's forgotten masterpiece "DUCK YOU SUCKER," and then riffs for a bit about wanting to watch the news all the time. Also he is high throughout and this botches his effort at sticking to the s...

Wherein the narrator returns from hiatus and talks about Kindle, noisy children, a masturbating Hungarian author and also provides a full-length commentary track for Tod Browning's 1931 adaptation of DRACULA.

Wherein the narrator gets a little too personal and riffs about the status of his book, and some other personal stuff, and then wraps it all up by reading an excerpt of the book he's been talking about the whole time--this episode's followed closely by a second one that's meant to cleans the palate and so, if you're just discovering the podcast, this is absolutely not the episode to start with.

Wherein the narrator has an epiphany about gardens before presenting his roommate's pitch for a TV show in which Jar-Jar Binks does nothing. Finally, he addresses Patricia Cornwell's theory about Jack the Ripper and then, in a long epilogue, talks about how he recently burned some professional bridges and feels pretty OK about it.

Wherein the narrator recounts some of the heavier things he read in two books about the September 11th terror attacks--and then kinda free-associates for about forty minutes.

Wherein the narrator, in the grip of a hangover, free-associates for a half hour.

Wherein the narrator addresses a pet peeve, tells some stories about a disturbed colleague who created that pet peeve, and then stumbles, belatedly, upon a paparazzo's recent photo of the reclusive Thomas Pynchon, one of the narrator's favorite authors (who hasn't been photographed in sixty years); and finally, in an indulgent leap, waxes on the connection between that photograph and Pornhub's 201...

Wherein the narrator describes an latenight encounter involving methamphetamine and cheese, and how that encounter is a pretty good example of why recent dates never carry a romantic torch past the third encounter; sandwiched in the middle is an old Spanish story; and finally, an interview with Rhett Doughterty, the head brewer at Veza Sur Brewery in Wynwood. Check out Veza Sur Brewery: https://ve...

Wherein the narrator gives up on the podcast script he's been working on for a month in order to ask some questions about a delicate subject, and to wonder aloud at why he feels so bad to be asking those questions. Also: a riff about laundromats, cheap vending machines, the best Cuban sandwich in Little Havana, and the Marlboro woman.

Wherein the narrator addresses one of the most poignant lessons he learned from ten years of therapy, and how it factored into this one sexual encounter he had in New York. Also, in the epilogue (which is probably actually longer than the monologue), he talks about how J.K. Rowling and Twitter might have made him a bad tutor. Also, an update on the Mary drama. To read the blog post mentioned in th...

Wherein the narrator riffs at first about reading DUNE for the first time, and having complicated feelings about it, and then launches into a conversation with book critic Steve Donoghue about DUNE, how STAR WARS became uninteresting, censorship and John Ford and unlikeable people who have heart attacks and PREDATOR 2 and a man who got mauled by a tiger. Subscribe to Steve's prolific YouTube chann...

Wherein the narrator recounts a quarantine romance.

Wherein the narrator talks for a while about a weird relationship with the stuff you used to see on file-sharing platforms, the ethics of consuming upsetting media, and then talks for 90 minutes with book critic Steve Donoghue about Thomas Harris, writing, self-publishing, coronavirus, The Godfather, Superman II, Rod Steiger, and other things. Read some of Steve's most recent work at www.openlette...

Wherein the narrator describes an older guy named Reggie, guides the listener through a gentle meditation, and muses on the news before riffing for a bit about DUNE and the question of whether to self-publish something. Special thanks to Capella Ducis and InspectorJ on www.freesound.com for making available some of the sound effects used in this episode.

Wherein the narrator has a chat with book critic, YouTuber, and book critic Steve Donoghue. A practice run at a more formalized version of these conversations we'll be having in weeks to come!

Wherein the narrator explores his most recent binge of fitness documentaries on Netflix, and what they say about how certain kinds of men reconcile themselves to ageing. Also a riff about how the blooming of free pornography influenced the sale of playing cards (based on sciencee) followed by some parallels between Thomas Harris's literary career and the narrator's love life.

Wherein the narrator turns 29 and remarks, with ~an exceptional degree of navel gazing~, upon the significance, in these hard times, of Ouija boards and online dating--which are essentially the same thing.