This is M.

Getting round two of the vaccine this week, feeling hesitant about returning to normal life, listening to more classical music recently including "classical" radio, SF Opera's streaming broadcast of "Siegfried," and Bela Bartok's string quartets, classical music not being culturally relevant, not liking the culture around most of my areas of interest, failing my first attempt at the Marksman level...

Dodging jury duty this week, the return of Chris D'Elia's podcast, separating artists and their creative output from who they are as people, Richard Wagner's anti-Semitism, the undisputed genius of "Der Ring des Nibelungen," recounting the time I drove a homeless women across the state of Arizona, reconnecting a drug-addicted teenager with her family, forgetting most of the people from my past, be...

Injuring my back through exercise, getting old being no joke, the oldest member of my girlfriend's family dying, reading their life story, a video suggestion from a user, the paradox of success, hard work vs. luck, necessary but insufficient conditions for success, luck vs. strategy, times where hard work payed off for me, the useful delusion of believing you are in control of your destiny, the da...

An update on Mark's COVID status, reflecting on his support through the years, surpassing 500K COVID deaths in the United States, hearing from an old friend out of the blue recently, comparing and contrasting our memories of each other, not remembering myself the way others report, my lack of self-esteem impacting both my memories and my living experience, wondering if I was cooler as a kid, feeli...

The launch of the video podcast on YouTube, a correction from a prospective podcast MVP, the first round of my COVID vaccine, raising my base state since exercising regularly, getting news of an old music acquaintance in the ICU with COVID, the "why me" mentality when tragedy strikes, the tendency to blame others for the fate that befalls them, Leo Tolstoy's "The Death of Ivan Ilyich," buying my f...

Qualifying for the vaccine, rural vs. urban living, hiking in Benicia, celebrating Lunar New Year in lieu of Valentine's Day, rolling a coin over your knuckles, Trump's second impeachment acquittal, finishing "The Queen's Gambit" on Netflix, being less enamored with it than others seem to be, the serious portrayal of chess, likely inspiring a generation of female chess players, watching "Movie 43"...

A belated episode, correcting the last episode's sound, missing the Super Bowl, connecting with old friends via Houseparty, being roped into a group text, feeling accomplished at working out again, the need for positive self-talk, sustainability and the importance of leaving something in the tank, Haruki Murakami's writing process, returning to school, having our Zoom lecture crashed, staying calm...

Perdition to conspirators, something strange going in our collective experience this last week, returning to school, exiting class through the window during my first day of Latin class in middle school, past experiences at community college, learning about deaf culture in American Sign Language, my deaf teacher's experiences with hearing people throughout their life, ACAB, my girlfriend's return,...

Continuing to fix things up around the house, fearing my landlord for no good reason, a bathroom break, getting my firearms safety certificate, still pining for a pistol, finally seeing the filmed version of Derek DelGaudio's "In & Of Itself," the devastation of seeing someone else accomplish something so great, reflecting on my own lack of creative courage, watching the window close on things...

Taking an afternoon nap, Siri's shifting tone of voice, announcing the podcast MVP 2021, the synchronicity of receiving George Saunders' new book "A Swim in a Pond in the Rain," spending a week fixing things around my place, placing emotional meaning to otherwise meaningless tasks, killing a neighbor's cockroaches, a fart riddled news clip on YouTube, signs of the new normal at the grocery store,...

A return to form episode. Failing miserably at work this week, the attempted siege of the U.S. Capitol on January 6th, Trump inciting his base, questioning what the rioters hoped to accomplish, why there wasn't a stronger military opposition, the dubious body-cam footage of a cop shooting in California, taking a pistol shooting class yesterday, performing exceptionally well on the range, the carto...

The impact of the last year on our approach to this one, people who misrepresent their emotional gains, people who believe change is brought about by force of will, how hero's turn the tables in action movies, my history as a cigarette smoker, Kurosawa's "Throne of Blood" compared to his earlier work, Elmore Leonard inspiring my recent interest in firearms, returning to Dostoyevsky with "The Adole...

Reflecting on one of the strangest years of our lives, feeling typically down around this season, remembering when shelter in place took effect, still having no clear end in sight, feeling unfulfilled creatively, not feeling connecting to songwriting anymore, a meta commentary on the state of the podcast, re-watching Akira Kurosawa's films and enjoying them more as an adult, a budding interest in...

A summary response to David Mitchell's novel "Cloud Atlas," a protracted discussion of my feelings about the latest Christopher Nolan film "Tenet," feeling frustrated at not being able to follow the plot, the conflict between clarity and high-concept, the duty of an artist to communicate clearly, still admiring Mitchell and Nolan's ambition, creative interests as a source of both emotional avoidan...

Waiting to do things until I really have to, reflecting on Bram Stoker's "Dracula," reading David Mitchell's "Cloud Atlas" right now in lieu other popular fiction, the most recent season of The Great British Baking Show, one of the finalists reiterating the "definition of insanity" cliche, true insanity in the 1988 film "The Vanishing," Richard Dawkins' "The God Delusion" and the rise of the "new...

School finals approaching fast, being in full Dad-fiction mode, the relative greatness of Stephen King and Elmore Leonard compared to other popular writers like Michael Crichton and Dan Brown, confusing the content recommendation algorithm for the divine hand, equating the internet echo chamber with love bombing, the one-sided nature of therapy, casting your therapist as whoever you need them to b...

A summary of my Thanksgiving vacation in Aptos, hiking in Land of Medicine Buddha, weighing the benefits of living outside of they Bay Area, completing my University of California applications, having our outdoor camping plans disrupted, camping in the backyard instead, my girlfriend's upcoming travel plans, taking her to two drive-thru COVID tests, fears around holiday travel during the pandemic,...

Thanksgiving plans and protests, watching the movie "12 Angry Men" finally, a protracted account of my time serving on the jury of a sexual assault case many years ago, jury selection, the trial, deliberations, being elected as the foreperson to replace someone who suffered a stroke, botching the verdict, the uncertainty of reasonable doubt and the precariousness of jury trials, an unexpected inte...

Staying up until 7am reading "The Exorcist" to avoid sleeping in the dark, torturing myself with my own imagination, novels that are able to cast a spell despite already seeing the film adaptation, correlations between "The Queen's Gambit" on Netflix and Stephen King's novel "Carrie," going on a grumpy hike, the dangers of consuming outrage, the case for keeping parts of your life private, social...

President-elect Joe Biden's rocky road to victory, feeling reasonably optimistic about the results before Election Day, the doom and gloom of the initial counts, rising hope as the tide of the results changed, the emotional experience of this election compared to previous years, recalling a history teacher's account of the pattern of past presidencies, Trump's last days in the White House playing...

Humbugging Halloween, dudes who can't bring themselves to put on formal wear, hanging with friends for the first time since shelter-in-place, coincidentally reading "Night Shift" by Stephen King around Halloween, recounting reading "Misery" for the first time, King being at his best before the monsters show their face, the allure of the video game "Return of the Obra Dinn," starting to re-read Chu...

Reading "Slaughterhouse Five" three times since the last podcast, not fully understanding books after one reading, a basic synopsis of the novel's plot, the importance of structure and motivic development in great art, one superficial interpretation of the novel, my tendency to do things because I "should" do them, the self-awareness of Chuck Palahniuk, the importance of creative confidence, The N...

Suffering the current heat weave, the Bret Easton Ellis Podcast's second life on Patreon, the spooky synchronicity of the episode with Chuck Palahniuk, how the film adaptation of both author's most famous novels are better than the original, inspiration as a glimpse into the spiritual realm of creative ideas, which ideas work best for a film or a novel, the role of the artist as a spiritual medium...

The President being back in the White House, feeling rejuvenated after shaving my head, wanting permission to trust my gut, not trusting my own judgment due to a lack of confidence, seeing feelings as information, being called "conceited" as a kid, deciding to become my own drill sergeant, stumbling on Adam Carolla on the call-in radio show "Loveline," adopting him as a sort of father figure, gues...

The President catching COVID, the utter insanity of the current news cycle, navigating some trouble with the truck, rushing to complete an application for school only to have the deadline extended shortly after submitting it, feeling conflicted about all of the accommodations being extended everywhere recently, requesting help instead of solving the problem yourself, people who describe success as...