Think Queerly

Are you a “Yes-person”, someone who says yes to everything, because you think if you don’t, people might not like or respect you? If you’re a gay man, did you start saying YES to everyone as a way to deflect attention from who you are? As a way to stay hidden in the closet? Perhaps saying yes became a habit. You said yes more and more, keeping friends and family happy, to such an extend that they...

“…from the standpoint of the ego, the universe is seen as the “other.” The ego concludes that this “other” is against it and, therefore, that I must struggle to survive.” The Tao of Abundance, Laurence G. Boldt Are You Struggling in Any Part of Your Life? Is your love life, career, or your life purpose a problem or are you at ease with who you are, and making the best of your life? Many clients co...

When Your Heroes Start Dying. Baby, life's what you make it Can't escape it Baby, yesterday's favorite Don't you hate it Baby life's what you make it Don't back date it Baby, don't try to shade it Beauty is naked Baby, life's what you make it Celebrate it Anticipate it Yesterday's faded Nothing can change it Life's what you make it Life's What You Make It – Talk Talk Last week I read in the news t...

Evolving Insights Into the Evolutionary Leadership Abilities of Gay Men. Possibly the most important and vital quality in a leader is honesty. I would also add the qualifiers, transparency and vulnerability. If I were to ask you and a group of people from all walks of life, the question, “What is leadership?”, I could create a massive list of attributes. We could also select from the hundreds of t...

Reading my Twitter feed last week, I read this knee-jerk reaction to people with beautiful bodies posting pictures of themselves on Instagram, AKA "Thirst Traps": https://twitter.com/gaywonk/status/1098676404739289094 Hyperbolic language doesn’t help Putting all of Instagram and gay thirst traps into a single container only makes things worse. This is the path of blaming external circumstances and...

Recently I asked a question in an LGBTQ Professionals Group on Facebook. Here’s what I posted: I’m creating a small group mastermind for gay men to explore their unique and vital role in society, and to create meaningful, humanitarian change in the world. Currently, I’m creating the structure and preparing content for the program. But there is one, vital question that will make all the difference...

What’s the obstacle in your way? Is it someone, some event, or some thing? In every instance the only thing in your way is you – it’s up to you to take the necessary steps that will allow you to pass through the obstacle in your way. What are the things you repeatedly do that are holding you back? These are often the small things like habits or practices that are hard to break, because they have b...

The expression of human sexuality, and the freedom to have sex with whomever we desire, was a defining quality in the early gay-rights movement, pre-AIDS. How things have changed, and yet, how some things have become worse. Where did this fear of sex start and what is “Sex Panic”? In the queer community, Sex Panic!, was a sexual activism group founded in New York City in 1997: The group characteri...

Happy Valentine's Day, 2019! My boyfriend, my partner, my lover, brings me joy every day. Moments of joy is what keeps our love alive, strong, and enduring. It’s not about how much money either of us makes. It’s not about how often we have sex. And it’s not about how he looks. "Love is about noticing joy in the presence of another person."Allan Downs, The Velvet Rage The First Joy I can’t show you...

The basic human fear of anyone else who is unlike us, too dissimilar, or who holds a different view of the world is the original binary. The original binary is the ego versus all else. The binary begins early in life when we learn our name; our identity. Who we are separates us from everyone else. “Ego is a mental structure built on name.” - Laurence G. Boldt We begin to see that we are also diffe...

Living OUT Leadership for Gay Men “Gay spirit speaks to the vitality that gay men possess, which is palpable but defies easy description.” – Raymond Rigoglioso I believe that gay men have a unique opportunity to openly embrace their unique characteristics – in particular their gay spirt – to bring a balanced, empathetic approach to leadership, and to be leaders of evolutionary, humanitarian change...

What we think is what we intend When we speak our ideas and intentions, our words initiate action, whether that be our own, or the inspiration for others to act. To answer the question above, what I see happening in the world today is that, Words ARE speaking louder than actions. The actions of hatred and violence have always been with us, rising and falling with history, state, and different type...

One of the promises made by the current Ontario PC government was that they would repeal the 2015 Ontario sex-ed curriculum installed by the former Liberal government if they won the election. They repealed the curriculum within months of winning the election in 2018 and temporarily replaced it with the 1998 curriculum. In August a student’s family filed a complaint with the Ontario Human Rights C...

In the last episode I waxed nostalgic about, The Good Old Days of Meeting Men for Sex at Gay Bars – LOP054 . Today’s episode picks up from where I left off, talking about the different challenges in communicating with someone on a dating app versus face-to-face in person. More and more I hear people complain about how rude people can be on dating apps. There’s abruptness, racism, ageism, femme-pho...

I was 19 years old and had been going out to gay bars for about six months. It was a warm summer night in 1985 as I leaned against a post by the dance floor, sipping my beer, enjoying the music, and watching the men – the beautiful, sweating, dancing, sexy men. He sauntered up to me with a grin that said ‘I want to taste you’. With a few pleasantries and names exchanged, he pressed himself against...

Today’s podcast takes the form of a meditative thought experiment. An awareness came through me this morning while moving in my fitness routine. My mind was open to the subconscious drip of what I had experienced and witnessed over the weekend. I had been contemplating – without attachment – how to express the beginning of a new perspective. Exercising first thing in the morning is an opportune ti...

Praise for Gillette’s #MeToo ad on 'toxic masculinity' What is the opposite of toxic masculinity? I would suggest it is what Ray Rigoglioso refers to as “authentic masculinity” in his book, Gay Men and The New Way Forward , which is a balancing intelligence of the masculine and feminine energies or characteristics in gay men – but something I believe gay men can gift to the word, especially straig...

Dealing with criticism versus personal attack When someone responds with a criticism or attack on my articles or podcast, that’s often a good sign. It means I’m pushing buttons and triggers. Often the critic’s outrage is something they needs help with, but they are dealing with their challenge in a negative way. Other times they have a valid point to make, and it may be something I need to conside...

It’s Story Time… It was 1999, Toronto, and the day after I broke up with my boyfriend, my former ex from Ottawa moved in with us. This would have made the perfect backstory for a gay version of “Three’s Company”. Only this time, two exes become friends after not speaking to each other for over a year. Within 24 hours they both suffer a break-up with their current partners, and wind up temporarily...

Think Differently with Healthier Thoughts Many gay men, myself included, have at some point tried to improve their physical appearance to attract other men. They have felt that, in order to be accepted, they needed to change their body to fit certain norms and the expectations of others. On one level there's nothing wrong with choosing to change the shape of your body. Taking good care of your bod...

In today’s episode I speak with Raymond L. Rigoglioso, the founder and executive director of Gay Men of Wisdom (www.gaymenofwisdom.org) and author of Gay Men and The New Way Forward (Mond Press, 2015). Through his book, Ray synthesized the body of literature that explores gay men’s nature and purpose and created a framework describing gay men’s 14 distinct gifts. I’ve spoken at length about a few...

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” The intention behind words matters. How a word is used will affect the receiver in communication. Words can lift people up, but they can also hurt when they are intended to be prejudiced, demeaning, or hateful. What about taking a word at face value? Should all words be free to use, or are some restricted to a certain group? Sho...

The fewer fears we have the more open-minded and accepting we are of possibilities and variations in all aspects of life and humanity. When we are afraid of the wrath of an imaginary being in the sky, we will be fearful of anything we are told is unacceptable, against god, or an action that will deny you entry to heaven. Radical fundamentalism is one the more extreme forms of the fear of mortality...

Now is the perfect time to review the events of this past year. What went well for you? What were your wins, moments you were most proud of, goals that you accomplished, etc.? What did you struggled with and why? What lessons can be learned from your problems and what didn’t work out as planned? This is the first step in my ADD Coaching Method (Assess, Dream, Design) which I’m using on myself (bec...

Over the last few episodes of the Living OUT Podcast I’ve been discussing the unique gifts that gay men bring to the world. During this process I’ve discovered more about my true purpose – not in the sense that I didn’t know what it was, but as we evolve and learn more about who we are, our purpose may change concurrently. With the coming new year, I’m taking myself through my own coaching process...