The Otis Advisory

Have you heard about shrinkage? Everybody’s talking about it.  Used to be called stealing, but that was way too honest and could be offensive to simple organisms.  They don’t have shrinkage in China or Mexico or even LotaVodka, mainly because they just cut off your hands if you’re caught shrinking something into your bag.  Junk Culture tells us that "shrinkage" helps people feel better about thems...

If you’re thinking about hiring little Johnny from the local high school to come work at your store and sell tube socks, here are some things you need to know.  First, don’t expect too much because Johnny can’t read and damn sure can't add.  But to be fair, neither can any of the other “graduates.”  But yes, Johnny would love to come work at your store, and thanks for asking, as long as you’re pay...

Did you know that beer has an expiration date?  After a certain date you’re supposed to throw it out because it may not taste like what you'd expect.  But, it’s beer right?  You’re expecting what exactly?  So beer gets thrown out if it’s too old, but Joey gets to keep his job and doesn't get thrown out?  Isn’t President Joey expired too?  What’s the difference between Joey and old beer?  Both get...

Here’s something you’ll want to know about first before signing up for the New America. The Donkey people have decided your beer thermostat should be set at 2 beers per week.  Not 2 per drive home now, that’s 2 beers per week - total.  If you’re still having Bud Light, where it takes 9 beers to get the job done, you’re in even worse shape!  We wanted to know if those little kid-sized bottles of li...

 Chicago’s upper management has now asked the local gang leaders if they would please cooperate and not shoot people in the daytime. "It’s scaring the customers," cried Governor Soros!  Just hold off on shooting from 9 in the morning until 9 at night. Then at 9pm hell get after it.  Clock in for a good 12-hours taking care of whoever needs taking care of.  Just promise you’ll finish up before 9 in...

Country music is a threat to democracy, say the donkey people!  How did that happen?  Complaining about country music and how it makes you grow hair in your ears has always been out there,  When you think about it, you’re a lot more likely to be a victim of wife supremacy than have country music get between you and your misery index or fancy golf pants.    Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simpl...

Did you know that Hunter is married!  Yes, there's a Mrs. Hunter alright, and sources close to the bone report that she might even own a TV and may have seen what’s on the news.  So before the boy comes home again with his tail dragging the gravy, ask yourself this:  what is in it for Mrs. Hunter?  Somewhere there has to be paper on this saying, "Honey, you behave and stick this out for a couple m...

Nothing’s going right for Lil Hunter.  On his last trip to get a quick puddle dance at the misogynist parlor, Hunter learned that his best friend just went in and told the truth!  Seems both the boys were over in LotaVodka together helping to make China great again when somebody accidentally wrote Joey a  big check.  Ooops!  Big problem.  Lots of explaining.  Now it’s a federal beef.    Hear Podca...

Who’s the skunk at the lawn party?  Companies are now having to hire something called an Etiquette Director to help the new kids at the office learn how to smell check.  But smell check isn’t the only thing the Etiquette Director does – tying your shoes, dealing with white winter itch and knowing how to pass a little air in church without making noise is also on the good manners list.  Otis invest...

It's like global warming only this one has long pointy teeth.  Sharks have been really cranky this year biting you and the kids down at the beach, and now we know why. The little buggers have been getting into the bales of coke dumped off the smuggling boats before the heat pulls them over.  Sharks on coke!  With whales washing up from the offshore windmills and crabs that won’t stay in the bucket...

The salty scholars of the D'Otis Discount Think Tank & Bait Camp deliver this profile in courage on The Modern Man.   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Yes, there are aliens from outer space, wherever that is, and we have a whole warehouse full of them.  Didn’t you expect this would be a bigger deal?  But nobody cares. "Outer space – not my problem!  I gotta get my nails done!"  Some guy who looks like a big oyster comes out, you would think HR wants to get involved.  You want diversity, hell, here it is right here!  Ancient Southern philosopher...

Everybody knows how much fun it is licking the top of a nine-volt battery.  Kids would line up after school and pass around a fresh Eveready to see who could hold out the longest.  My friend ShortStack always won since he would just swallow one whole and wash it down with some water for a good connection.  Game over.  Nobody ever messed with ShortStack after that.  Fast forward to the Hunter Lapto...

Nothing is harder to explain than coming home with glitter stuck all over you.  “Where have you been this time Uncle Otis?” What if you were just picking out the perfect thank you card for her and the glitter came off and got into everything.  Party of Two becomes "First Available."  It gets worse in a swing state.   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswi...

Don’t pay when you go to the store.  Save your money.  When you’re through shopping just say, “no thanks, I’m good” and walk with whatever you want.  It’s all free - limit $1,000 per visit though, just to keep it fair.  You’ll say, “put it on the insurance tab” as you smile and head for the parking lot.  That’s about it.  Remind the store clerk that those cash registers are just there for decorati...

Next time you're in Target, ask the lady to show you where they keep the Magic Johnson display – now you see it, now you don’t.  Probably over with the shrunken heads next to the Well of Souls.  This might be what happens when you’re too woke to sleep and the sewer backs up!   But, for now, it might be a good time to put the inflatable ape up on top of the building to give people something else to...

Now you see it – now you don’t.  It’s a miracle!  Those special Satan drawers they sell at Target might hurt a bit pulling on, but the fashion statement you’ll make is immeasurable.  If you like to keep your business in a junk drawer just to the south, this is definitely for you.  We control the horizontal, but you control the vertical.  And you’ll stay like that until somebody comes around to che...

This just in from Otis Special Ops on the continuing de-nutification of Harry, formally known as Prince.  It all came to a head in Nueva York when Harry must have broke a nail at the big dance and, along with his co-morbidity Megan suddenly left in a Checker Manhattan that smelled like Rat Pizza.   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for informat...

Ever wonder what’s with those trucks with the word FISH written on the side!  That’s all it says – just FISH.  Makes you wonder, is it really fish or what are they hiding in there?  Some write FISH on their truck to keep you from being too interested and maybe just leave them  alone.  Well, that’s how the white house works.  Somebody just wrote FISH on the white house front door and locked the pla...

In the time before filtered water, there was probably one special day when you decided to stop writing bad checks to try to help your credit score.  Well that was a waste of time.  Now they’ve changed all that. Today, the more you suck the less you pay!  That’s right.  Your mortgage payment actually gets lower when your credit score is terrible!  It’s a miracle - like a vacation from thinking righ...

Are you broke and can’t afford your own AI?   There is a substitute - try Memory Foam, it’s like A.I. but a lot cheaper.  Memory foam is like a natural diuretic for the shovel ready.  Helps unstick your mind and get back in play.  If you can’t remember the girl’s name and she’s not answering to Giddyap or Lil’ Whiskers, you may need some of this memory help.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Si...

If you think clowns are scary, you should see what's on a can of Bud Light.  Some bed wetter who never got a pajama-gram and still hasn’t gotten over it is now the new spokes-drunk for Bud Light - the king of near beer.  It's an awful mess.  Otis has the back story.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use...

in the New America, everyone will have an AI personal assistant to hand to handle the little things, like writing thank you notes.  back when Pluto was a planet and all the and all the cute girls drove Chargers we didn't have it this good.  Otis and the salty scholars from the Bait camp Think Tank explain in this fresh Otis Advisory.   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz co...

Now that we know men can get pregnant, some are beginning to notice how that’s just the easy part. The real problem comes later, at birth.  Doctors have looked at the math down there and tried to solve for X.  Definitely a tight fit.  Recommending next time to just stick to cross dressing, like switching from Italian to Greek.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. Se...

“Help, help, I’m gender-neutral Barbie and look, there’s nothing under the hood!  Who made me like this?  Then, Gender Neutral Barbie met Popeye the Sailor Man – they shared a toy box together.  Popeye helped clear away the fog when he whipped out his brand statement, “I am what I am!” Hear how Barbie finally did update her private’s policy thanks to Popeye the Sailor Man!    Hear Podcast ~ Wash H...