The Otis Advisory

Jasmine really likes riding in her Escalade.  “Either ride me in an Escalade or I’m staying home.”  The staff had their orders so Escalade it is, with the extra base boost for that Crown Royal authenticity!  “Now I need to go to lunch, and I don’t mean Cracker Barrell.” Yes Mama!  “I’ll go in somewhere civilized and pick out some bacon cheesecake. You stand outside the car like you’re waiting for...

Hunter started out with nothing and still has most of it left.  Like when he’d get in trouble for peeing in the pool at the Best Western. "Hunter you get out of there right now. Your daddy’s gonna wear you out when he gets back from Epstein's.  I'm telling him what you did in that pool.” Sometimes, what's left of his mind plays tricks on him.  Now Hunter thinks he wants to be president to finish r...

Say hello to Zohan the Conqueror, the latest fanboy of the lunatic fringe, now running for mayor of New York City.  It’s obvious, Zohan only has a beatnik-level view of what makes the world work, but he’s still planning to run this con on YOU and the coalition of the unhappy next election day. He’s the shiny new locomotive pulling the Hate America First Train into Bankruptcy Station.  Zohan the Co...

Any minute now a judge will try to make Trump go get back all the bunker busters he loaded on the plane to Iran, then bring them home and put them right back in the garage where he found ‘em. That’s because Orange man didn’t ask permission first.  He didn’t call Sandy Cortez or that really smart one, Ms. Crockett to see if it was OK!  Think of it like a Hollywood stop where you just slow roll on b...

There’s a prize waiting for anyone who can finish their Bunker Buster with Cheese and keep it down for 8 seconds - just like the rodeo.  The Bunker Buster comes tail up to go down easy at forty-five degrees. And when it hits bottom you'll know it, so have s quick exit planned if things get messy.  Wait, what’s that?  The Bunker Buster comes with an automatic second helping, built right in.  Now wh...

Orange man wants to reopen the world-famous Alcatraz criminal resort.  It’s been rusting and falling down for years, kinda like Sleepy Joe, but Alcatraz can still be restored, Joey probably not.  Alcatraz has a special place for people who take their shoes off on airplanes, remove tags from pillows or pull their rotary nose hair clippers out at dinner.  Remember Santa doesn’t stop at the county lo...

Complaining is real popular, and nobody enjoys it more than the activist.  Say hello to three-dollar Bill, he’s the new front page of the Donkey Party.  When Bill’s not busy at Hamster Fight Club night, he and the other humanized mice like to head downtown for a paid appearance at the local street riot.  Bill brings plenty of concrete chunks to hurl at police, and have some left over to share with...

When you need a tire changed or a refrigerator moved to the second floor, who do you call?  You call a man!  Men are back, and are finally done with putting their hair up in mouse ears and going with you to the mall.  Don’t be asking men to tell you which sheets they think are the softest. They have no idea – none - and anything they say is just to make you feel better.  Men are no longer impresse...

The Mexican Navy is looking for a new navigator after somebody over there tried to drive their one hundred fifty-foot-tall boat underneath the one hundred thirty-foot tall Brooklyn Bridge.  Not a good look!  Pealed the top right off right in front of where congressman lady Sandy Cortez stays, and supposedly gets her laundry done.  Hear what came next with Otis.   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted b...

You know that trick where you turn your socks inside out to get another couple of days out of them?  Well, that’s what the donkey party bosses have in mind for Kamala.  Just turn the lady in the pant suit inside out for another go at the controls, and do it fast before Sandy Cortez de Putanasa gets it all.  But what's the difference?  Aren’t you tired of complaining yet?  I know I am.  Imagine how...

What Do Men Really Want, aside from the usual stuff like getting to wipe your nose on your sleeve or maybe a good stool softener.  Men are simple organisms who still think they can play Wipe Out on the steering wheel.  But know other stuff too like what a woman is.  Hell, men are experts in that.  They know today’s modern girl isn’t looking for any fluff.  Fang Fang isn’t up all-night waiting for...

If you've been getting your powdered Margarita mix from China, I think I'd be making other arrangements. Orange man has changed all this so we don’t forget how to make our own essential fixins.  We shouldn't have to rely on China for medicine, memory foam and dead flashlights.  “But, Oh Uncle Otis, everything’s gone global now!”  Well not everything – mudpies is still a local thing - good clean fu...

If you’re even thinking about stuffing a T-bone down your shorts at the Walmart think again. Due to shrinkage (used to be called stealing but that was too real) they’re now keeping the steaks in little wire cages to keep your grubby mitts from stuffing Mr. Roast down your pants and heading for the parking lot.  If you’re keeping score, this all started with locking up the deodorant and toothpaste...

It all makes sense when you think of Kamala as the dented can on the store shelf.  Poor little dented can, it’s sad that nobody wants it anymore being all smushed and caved in.  Pushed aside for the shiny new can, the one with the fresh AOC label, except that one’s about to be banned for all the fake coloring in it.  Of course, there is one color you don’t have to worry about.  Right, it’s Orange!...

Kamala is about to open the doors to her new Think Tank!  “We’ll think about anything for a price,” giggled Kamala.  It’s like the self-licking ice cream cone of bad ideas, but there it is anyway.  Tanks Alot Kamala is mostly particle board and sounds like a cry for help that no one hears.  It even has its own flush handle built right into the tank for when things get messy.  Let’s check the ingre...

Otis gets a lot of prison mail. But when the weather’s nice, he likes to walk around the neighborhood to see what everybody else got in the mail. You can learn a lot about your neighbors by going through their mail. Take this nice lady for example.   Dear Ms. Jones, Oh look, it’s from the free clinic.   It was fun seeing you again this week - red and irritated - well that’s not going to clear up....

Congressman-lady Jasmine Crockett really likes being the only botanical in government.  But don’t be fooled by all the flowery words. Jasmine knows nothing pays off faster than class clown when you need to get noticed, before that AOC gets it all.  Remember the circus business is nothing new for Jasmine!  Throw in a pair of hoop earrings and a couple of media stink bombs and you’ll get ‘em talking...

Everybody knows, crawfish are not fish.  Never have been.  Try putting crawfish in the microwave and you’ll see what I mean.  The stuff in there runs out all over the place, gets all over the floor and everything.  Meat doesn’t do that.  You can do better.  Look, a million flies can’t be wrong.  Even Greenland doesn’t allow crawfish, wonder why?  Ask the medical examiner.  They know crawfish are l...

The only thing more dangerous than being Chuck Schumer right now is being Chuck Schumer driving a red Tesla.  That would be a bowel-curdling trigger event over at Camp TransAntifa, the Nottingham Forrest of the pumps and pearls fellas with an itch for firebombing.  I know it’s getting harder to score this stuff.  But Orange man doesn’t care. He’s sending Tesla firebombers to the pen for 20 big one...

Don’t be looking for a Mother’s Day card in Wisconsin. “Mother’s Day cards don’t say mother anymore,” said Governor Shagnasty.  In Wisconsin, Mother has been changed to “Incinerated Persons” – wait, is that right?   By the way, now that Orange man has declared English the official language of America, when someone tells you “no worries” – you can just say, “hey speak English!”  Otis explains. Hear...

The barnyard is buzzing this week over the high cost of eggs.  Somebody gave the chickens the flu, probably caught it at the gym like everybody else.  But what you really need to worry about is egg smuggling.  There coming across the border from everywhere,  Smuggling eggs can get messy. Stuffing a dozen or so down your shorts to cross “over easy” in El Paso works fine, until you sit down.  Otis e...

USA sent fifty million dollars in condoms to Gaza.  Found out later they decided to make condom bombs instead with all their free rubbers. Come on now, this is too easy.  Let’s say you’re the runt of the litter and someone gives you fifty million dollars’ worth of free rubbers.  You could go find a nice girl to share a bag of pork rinds with, or, make a condom bomb to blow up the One Hour Martiniz...

ORANGE SUNRISE  Thanks to the new Orange sunrise over Washington, a system-wide peristalsis has begun, moving the waste and waste by-products from the gut of government.  In its place, luxury, prosperity and of course endless boogie!  Can you dig it.  But as always, Donkey Darkness is on the rise working to stop common sense before it breaks out.  Better to maintain the rot for the next wave of pa...

TRUMP DANCE   It’s a dance.  It’s a movement.  No wait, it’s the Trump Shuffle, and all the kids are doing it.  How low can you go?  Just put your bottom on a swivel and leave your pronouns at the door!   The Trump Shuffle is ground zero in the land of a thousand dances.  But you won’t see it on The View.  Oh hell no. They’re still worried it’ll give you the Monkey Pox or something – you filthy pi...

The Honor Snacks man finally went back around to check on his snack box after the Biden White House cleared out.  Naturally it came in light, again.  The little bedwetters had their grubby little mitts on the Captains Wafers but never left the fifty cents in the slot.  So much for Donkey people and the Honor Snacks idea.  One of them even stuck a note down the slot about how oppressed people shoul...