The Family Archives

Today we have Kristyn on the phone. Or do we? Probably, because you usually can't make a lot of money impersonating a Tom Barnard Show guest. At least not compared to a Hollywood exec. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Every so often, an opportunity arises for an enterprising person to make way too much money. Once upon a time that opportunity was Sumner Redstone's media empire. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

There are two kinds of gold: literal gold, and Dwayne Johnson. Both are expensive, Dwayne a lot moreso. Unfortunately, you're about 150 years too late to get all the gold in California, but you can still buy some if you're into speculating. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoice...

Saying certain words, regardless of context, can ruin your life. Kind of ridiculous. Posting topless pictures of your ex without her consent can ruin your chances of being mayor. Less ridiculous. And that's not even getting into what happens if you murder two people. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad c...

Your team is out of the World Cup? You don't care about soccer?? Well then you might as well give this a listen, it has nothing to do with kicking a ball of any kind! Clips Featuring: Jenny Guan, Rachel Feinstein, Ali Wong   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You can't trust anyone if you're a billionaire. You won't trust anyone if you watch any TV show about billionaires. You won't trust computers when you update Skype and it ruins everything again. Or if you're Tom. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you think New York City, what do you think? Delis, obviously. Firefighters probably, thanks to their stellar representation in movies and TV. Being stranded without a place to live. These things are all important parts of Rachel's life. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoic...

When Langston enters a room, the computers all explode. It's a phenomenon nobody can explain. It's not his first memory, but then again computers weren't as common in the 80s. That's probably why. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Everybody wants the homeless population to decrease, but everyone has their own idea of how to make that happen. From hostile to hostel, there are many methods, none of which seem to be working. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We spend the first half hour complaining about how much TV sucks, then have Tony on who makes a living on TV. But we're not hypocrites, because we only complain about bad TV. Scene of the Crime is like CSI only it's real, which makes it better. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastch...

This hour's topic is feet, but not in the way Kristyn is famous for. First we discuss wearing high heels while golfing. Then Chloe's book, Stand Beautiful, inspired by growing up with a clubfoot. Timeless Diamonds doesn't really have a connection, though you could put a diamond ring on your toe if you wanted. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for priv...

The best and worst places to drive in America follow a pattern. Driving a scooter at 60 miles per hour also follows a pattern. First you drive the scooter, then you almost die. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The two most socially acceptable ways to give yourself brain damage are alcoholism and football. So if that's what you're after, there you go. If not, we can't help you. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The only thing anyone cares about is race. The only thing Tom cares about is people caring about race. And Prince. Because purple isn't a skin color. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Real estate is all over the place. Literally. But also figuratively, because over the course of a year prices can fluctuate quite a lot. Humans also fluctuate a lot, but instead of market forces, our fluctuations are driven by hormones. We happen to have an expert here for each topic. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn mo...

Has your dead relative appeared before you? It's not uncommon. You'd think we're talking about some Dave thing, but no, it's Paul. And Tom. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

No more bikinis for Miss America. Yoga pants are still okay, but some disagree that they're fundamentally different. Either way, you'll want to wear some thick work pants if you want to beat a drug sniffing dog. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Rumor has it Ford is working on a new car that can drive on molten lava. It's a rumor we're starting right now, so spread it around. It's as believable as the voice of Shaggy from Scooby Doo rapping. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Barracoon is a story of the last slave ship, illegal though it was. The First Purge is all about (fictional) black people being killed. This is the black plight episode. Some black people probably died because of Jeep's crappy gear shifter too. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastch...

When you think crime, think Winona. Not because there's actually crime there, but because Dave went to college there and ruined its reputation forever. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

These clips, although independent, will remain joined as one in this stirring episode of The Best Of.  Featuring: Greg Coleman, Andy Erikson, Rick Bronson, Paul Mecurio See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's fairly common for the son of a football player to play football himself. Greg did, but then he learned about concussions and switched to a less brain damaging career. Comedy is more likely to damage your ego than your brain. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adcho...

When you have Marfan syndrome you can't do a lot of athletics, which means you have plenty of time to immerse yourself in Harry Potter. If you listen to this episode you too will be immersed. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Look at your fingers. There's some sort of ratio thing going on there, I don't know. You'll have to listen. Anyway, looks like those clowns in congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Rebekka holds the honor of being on GLOW, a show that explicitly focuses on gorgeous ladies. It's like being Miss America only with more flying scissor kicks. A less fun acronym is AIDS, which kills a lot of people. It's better to stay away from that one. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visi...