The Family Archives

How much do you know about chimps? What's there to know? They're monkeys, right? Wrong. See, you're already learning. And if you'd like to continue learning, you can watch Chimp Empire, available now on Netflix. Not that this show doesn't have some vital information of its own. For example, if a simian pats you on the head, that's not necessarily a good thing. By the way, today is day four of what...

We're trying a new format for this episode. We call it "The 3D method", where we have three guests whose names all start with D. No, not really. It just worked out that way. First we have Dennis Lehane, who's sold ten million books, including his newest one, Small Mercies. Not to be outdone, Dave is about to be two cops, and Doug is now two car salesmen. It's like having multiple lives, except bot...

Remember boxing? Two men punching each other until one gets knocked unconscious? It's simultaneously emblematic of the good old days and the barbarity of our species. Thankfully we've come to our senses and replaced it with more civilized sports, like MMA and football. Never let it be said we're incapable of learning. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Do you require macaroni pictures? If so, you may be out of luck. There are more children out there than ever, but they're not making things out of pasta any more. Another trade lost to the march of technology, no doubt. It's not all bad though. If our children refuse to bring the goods, we'll do it ourselves. Enter Kaela and Selina, two recent mothers who decided that the things children do are wo...

You've been hearing Tim's dog on a weekly basis for months. Now, finally, she makes her video debut. It's an audio podcast so you won't be able to see her, but trust me, it happened. But if you go to our social media, you'll be able to see it too. Yes, we have cameras now. We're very high tech. No, we're not streaming or uploading the entire show's video anywhere yet. The fact that about half of t...

Buffets are a double edged sword. They're cheap, and if you go to the right one, still taste pretty good. Which means all the delicious food you could want for a low price. Just make sure you go to the kind of buffet that has armed guards watching the line so you don't end up with someone else's chicken crumbs on your plate. Of course, once you get your 200 million you'll never need to worry about...

Today's lost episode marks a first and a last. It's the first time Don Shelby was on our show, and it's the last time we ever talked about basketball. Let's face it: the game just isn't the same now that the best player of all time retired. I'm talking about Shelby, of course. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Minnesota isn't well-known for its outdoor venues. The reason why shouldn't elude anyone who lives here. It's also, apparently, not well-known for its indoor venues either, unless you count the Metrodome's infamy which lives on a decade after its demise. Apparently even Churchill Downs can't keep horses from dying en masse, so it would appear this isn't a great decade for venues as a whole. Learn...

If you've just been shot as collateral damage during an assassination, what do you supposed you'd be thinking? Is it "everything's gonna be alright"? Probably not. It wasn't for Sammy either. But everything did turn out alright, which is a lesson he took to heart. And, being a singer, he naturally made a song about it. Here's a hint: the title of the song is somewhere in this description. Learn mo...

The writer's strike has officially begun, but it doesn't really matter. This show, if you hadn't noticed, has no writers, so your number one source of entertainment will continue uninterrupted. Number one by default, I mean, because nothing else is left. Hey, a win by default is still a win. Take that, Hollywood. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's still over five months to Halloween and we're already talking to ghosts. In particular, the ghost of Tom's dad. Matt is America's top psychic medium, so of course we had to get him to show off his powers. It seems to have worked pretty well on Tom. If you'd like to get some closure regarding a relative you've been complaining about for decades, go to meetmattfraser.com. A word of warning thou...

This episode was truly lost, because we don't even know what the original title was. It somehow got scrubbed from the internet and we weren't backing the show up yet. Shoutouts to Joe for being one of two people on earth to still have the the file. And no, the other person wasn't one of us. It also wasn't Doug, because he had just started his career as Tom's straight man and probably didn't expect...

Is it Car Selling Secrets? We're not really sure. The gang's all here, and we didn't talk about cars, so going by the "if it walks like a duck" method, then yes, this was an episode of Car Selling Secrets. We still haven't checked with the proper authorities to make sure we're allowed to call it that, though, so for now we'll just welcome you to the first ever episode of Vehicle Vending Enigmas. L...

Who needs time zones, really? Think about it. It causes scheduling conflicts, it's annoying having to specify which time zone you're in, and you can't guarantee there will never be a war where time zone supremacists cause millions of deaths. It's safer just not to have them at all. Kind of like comedians in your podcast studio who drink all your liquor and leave garbage everywhere. Hypothetically,...

Bongino's out. Tucker's out. Lemon's out. Apparently the media isn't doing so well right now. We're trying our hardest to care. We're too busy mindlessly scrolling "influencers" and buying every product they put in front of us. Gotta keep up with the times, right? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

If you're a Roy Orbison fan and you want to hear him play, well, I have bad news. He died quite some time ago. But I also have good news. Rick Lindy and the Wild Ones will be at the Horse and Hunt Club in Prior Lake this Thursday at 7:30 PM to play a tribute to him. And on top of that, Costaki's back, and he's also covering Roy Orbison songs. Just kidding. He's talking about football. Learn more a...

Today's episode has two comedians, including the late Gilbert Gottfried, but our listeners remember it for another reason: Jay-Bee. In particular, his display of patience in the face of Gilbert's...let's just say "enthusiasm for black entertainment". Next time the two met, he came prepared. Sorry, I mean he was prepared. You have to choose your words carefully when Gilbert's around. Learn more abo...

A lot of what we do in life can be seen as a gamble, even when it's technically not gambling. Like doing meth. You're gambling your life in exchange for getting high. Or having venomous spiders infesting your house. That's a gamble, although I'm not sure what the payout is. Then there's good old fashioned gambling. Pulling that slot machine lever hours at a time. Of course, that lifestyle is so re...

One aspect of war that you don't often hear about is that people still have to keep doing their jobs in the middle of it, especially in poorer countries. Take Vietnam for example. It was a famously brutal war, but during the capture of Saigon, the employees of the Chase Manhattan Bank were will there. At least, they were until Ralph White arrived. Deploying the art of rule-bending, he managed to g...

How's your A1C? I hope it's good, because you might have a tough time finding anything to fix it now that the Kardashians have gotten everyone taking Ozempic for weight loss. Maybe stay away from McDonald's for a while just in case. We hear cannibalism is all the rage lately. Maybe that's the new weight loss diet. For extra slimming, try getting trapped in the mountainous wilderness first. Learn m...

Where would you begin to tell the story of how great a love can be? How about a table and a typewriter in Brisbane? That's what Trent did, and it seemed to work out for him. He's got a whole book of real life love stories straight from the people who lived them. Not that any of them hold a candle to Tom and Kathryn's story, of course. There is no greater display of love than re-cleaning a "clean"...

If you thought it was impressive that we've been doing this show for almost eleven years, then check out Costaki's first episode. He's been right there with us the whole time. That's a lot of football jokes. And Greek name jokes. But sadly, very few Greek football player jokes. Is it discrimination? Or are they just too busy playing ποδόσφαιρο? That means "soccer" in Greek. Actually it literally m...

Today's Earth Day, which can only mean one thing: talking about mental health. Because if there's one thing even more difficult than fixing the planet, it's fixing our brains. Can you go into your brain and pick up trash? I think not. Well, unless you count therapy. That's basically how that process is supposed to work. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Chronic stress is bad. It ruins relationships, wrecks your immune system, and puts you in a bad mood. So what's the solution? Stop watching the news. But for certain people who are unable or unwilling to do that, why not get a dog? Dogs are great. You can also try ignoring everybody, carving your own path, and living your best life. Which also happens to be the subtitle of Laura's new book, Limitl...

What happens when you give a man virtually unlimited money and power? He buys Twitter, of course. Everyone buying everyone else is the name of the game these days, and it's got people wondering if having the entire world owned by a handful of megacorporations is a good idea. The answer: of course it is. It's the plot of every beloved dystopian movie ever made. Don't you want to live in a cool movi...