The Avenging Hour

Part Two of the Kree-Skrull War where we learn that the Skrulls are a bunch of shape-changing cows, Goliath is still an idiot, and everything we learned in the last three issues was garbage. Buckle up, True Believers!

It's the beginning of the Kree-Skrull War...well, more of a prelude actually. Captain Marvel is here, and Rick Jones, and Ronan the Accuser and...ugh...Wasp and Yellowjacket return. We also meet Annihilus, and Carol Danvers, and bunches of other new stuff too!

FOUR ISSUES! First, it's a two-part thing with the Squadron Supreme versus the stupid Brain-Child, THEN a one-issue origin of Black Panther, and THEN a one-issue weirdness guest starring Hulk and Falcon and some insect guy named Psyklop that was completely useless and confusing. We are so, so sorry.

The Enchantress gets involved in two silly plots. First she tries to turn the female heroes against the team who are fighting the Masters of Evil at a Halloween Parade. Then she tries to convince Arkon to kill everyone because Black Knight is a spy. Oh boy.

Red Wolf, the first stereotypical Native American superhero, shows up and then promptly disappears like a spirit dissolving into the ancient plains. While we all scratch our heads over that mess, the Zodiac takes over Manhattan a la Dark Knight Rises. Things don't go well and it ends when Thor incinerates their leader.

Hold on to your spandex, superheroes! The Man-Ape is back...and Living Laser...and Power Man...and Swordsman...and Grim Reaper too. It's the Lethal Legion! The villains kidnap the team but end up losing anyway. AGAIN. And then the Vision quits. Whee.

Quicksilver seeks help from the Avengers after an other-dimensional warlord named Arkon kidnaps Scarlet Witch. There's some sort of plot about nuclear weapons and some bad poetry, and then it all kind of goes away. Then a guy named Cornelius Van Lunt hatches a plan to bankrupt Tony Stark that involves the Avengers doing construction work. It's all very silly.

Rick Jones returns to help the team capture Scorpio, who is actually Nick Fury, and who actually doesn't need capturing. Then Black Panther gets wrapped up in some racist shtick from the Sons of the Serpent that includes a white Black Panther and a submarine shaped like a slithering snake. Yikes.

This is our special blizzard-delayed episode where Jason & John recap all the wackiness of the first 71 issues (plus 2 annuals) of The Avengers. The good (a little), the bad (most of it), and the hilarious (that's debatable). John talks a lot about the characters and the creators and the plots, while Jason cracks jokes that mostly fall flat because he forgot to take notes. It's AMAZI...

Kang kidnaps the team in order to ask them for help. See, this dude called the Grandmaster has challenged him to a cosmic game and he needs our heroes to be his pawns. So they help the guy, face off against the Squadron Sinister and the 1940's Invaders, then when all is said and done, Kang tries to kill them. Typical Kang.

SHIELD invents Adamantium and Vision promptly steals it so he can rebuild Ultron. That big, bad robot still has some influence over the synthezoid he created...and we get to hear about it for three whole issues. Lucky us.

The Avengers find out that Egghead has a laser-shooting satellite that can destroy entire cities, and also that Hawkeye...er...Goliath has a brother AND A NAME! Oh, and Swordsman comes back just so he can get beat up again.

Dr. Strange shows up and uses the team as a distraction to save the world, but leaves them stranded in Africa, so Black Panther takes them to his place where he faces off against the Man-Ape, and then they finally make it home only to see Hawkeye ditch his bow and arrows to become the new Goliath. That's a whole bunch of dumb.

Some guy named Yellowjacket shows up, claims to have killed Hank Pym,wants to join the team and, when refused, decides to kidnap Wasp. Things get even weirder when Yellowjacket and Wasp get married and the Circus of Crime shows up! 

As Jason and John continue to fight through their colds, The Avengers welcome a new member to their fold. Sure, the Vision tries to kill everyone first, but that's all Ultron's fault. Once that reckless robot is out of the way for good, I'm sure it'll be smooth sailing for our newfound synthezoid.

Cap calls the team to a castle so they can time travel back and watch Bucky die again. Obviously that doesn't go well and now the team is stuck in an alternate timeline thanks to the Scarlet Centurion. They fight themselves, then Goliath unplugs the machine and everything goes back to boring.

The Avengers are under attack from the Masters of Evil! Is Black Knight a good guy or a bad guy? Is the butler Jarvis a good guy or a bad guy? Is that evil robot named Ultron a good guy or a...oh, wait, he's DEFINITELY a bad guy. And don't miss the time Wasp gets knocked out by a door!

Everybody's dead! Or at least that's what the Grim Reaper wants Black Panther to think. But Panther is too good for that nonsense. He saves the team and becomes a member. Then we thankfully get some resolution to that stupid Magneto and Toad plot. Buh-bye, Magneto Island!

We apologize in advance for how awfully boring these two issues are. At least we get the end of that whole Hercules vs. Typhon thing. And Hercules officially quits the team, which leaves just three members. Don't worry though. After our terrific trio defeats the Collector (again), Captain America recommends Black Panther as his replacement...

So...Magneto and Toad kidnap Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch to get them back into the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Then Captain America quits. Then Hercules wanders off to Mt. Olympus in the most boring scenes ever. Somewhere along the line we get a new Black Knight (a hero version). Wasp buys a plane. And John and I debate the Mount Rushmore of Marvel.

Hercules becomes an official team member at the Avengers Day Celebration in Central Park, Wasp blows some cash on a fancy sports car, and the team faces off with Super-Adaptoid. Then the rest of the team takes the day off while Whirlwind shrinks Hank and Jan down to ant-size and confuses everyone.

Hawkeye and Hercules try to rescue Black Widow from Red Guardian and his handlers, but they end up needing to be rescued by the rest of the team instead. The Avengers do, however, save us all from the stupidity of the Psychotron. And then Mandarin tries to take over the world with a fake diamond, some hate rays, and every villain we've ever seen. (He fails).

Sub-Mariner gets a hold of the Cosmic Cube and causes some trouble until Hercules knocks him back into the sea with a tree. Then we get a few more episodes with Scarlet Witch passing out and Wasp getting captured. Oh, and Dragon Man and Diablo show up too.

Enchantress tricks Hercules into wrestling the Avengers. When he snaps out of it, his daddy gives him a one year timeout on Earth. Since Herc is stuck there anyway, he decides to help the team face off against the Mad Thinker and his Triumvirate of Terror (more like "Terrible"). Black Widow gets conned into helping SHIELD. Cap takes off for a while. And, for as little as they do, Scarlet...

Someone who looks like Scarlet Witch is back, spinning a yarn of UFOs and androids and a bunch of other nonsense. The team discovers something called Ixar has taken over the Maximoffs' homeland of Transia. Hawkeye and Black Widow team up to take Ixar down. And not much else happens.