Sweet Valley Hive

Picture it, the perfect crime: a beautiful teenager trapped in her mansion, used as a pawn in a deranged criminal’s corporate espionage, with only ONE WAY to escape: get up and walk out the door. Wait, actually, that’s an incredibly stupid crime that strains our credulity and makes Pardo ask, “when is it enough? Dayenu!” Join us as we bring this wobbly house of cards tumbling down in “And Sometime...

And now for something completely different! This week, we revisit a previous text as Pardo shares a modest secondary interpretation of SVH #25, Nowhere to Run (originally discussed in “She Really is… Mostly… a Bitch!”). Unfortunately Robert has had neither their yogurt nor their noodles and is emotionally unavailable to receive the bucket of supporting evidence presented. In a ghostly allusion to...

This week’s episode has it all—armchair diagnoses of personality disorders, a deep-dive into 1980s architecture, parenting advice from a certified “parenting ally,” and…oh, yea, a discussion of the book, too. Emily Mayer is dealing with drama at home and rushes to the maternal bosom of Grandma Wakefield, who’s taking a break from her doctoral studies (let’s go, grandma!) to visit Sweet Valley. Can...

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas—don’t you dare say “holiday”—in Sweet Valley, and this one’s a doozy.   We’ve got a medical mystery, the shocking return of an iconique character (Robert was knocked “flat on their tuchus”), and a series of escalating pranks culminating in a booze-and-pills-fuelled car crash. Oops! Grab a peppermint mocha and join us for “A Christmas Miracle? or Munchaus...

Grief comes in waves and so does Deja Vu, because we’re feeling like we’ve read this book before. Join us as for a discussion of the challenges of life after love, theories of bereavement, and a brief tangent on whether Walt Disney was a Nazi on this week’s episode, “Famously Actively Grieving” (Sweet Valley High #24, Memories).

We hate to see him go, but we love to watch him leave. This week, we’re pouring one out for Turd--oops, we mean Todd--who’s off to Vermont to live his flannel lumbersexual fantasy. Without Todd, Elizabeth is forced to face hard questions about the future: is she as independent as she thought? Is she actually in love with the fabulously rich and handsome Nicholas Morrow? Is it possible to be impart...

Can one be too much in love? Can one have not enough lashes?  This week the kids are struggling with the complexities of relationships, dealing with a tragically mismanaged talent show, and throwing the party to end all parties because–did we forget to mention?–The Wakefield parents are off to Mexico City, leaving the girls home alone to get into classic domestic appliance disaster high jinks!

What makes a perfect summer? If you’re anything like us, you’re picturing a bear attack, an out-of-control forest fire, a breakup with your boyfriend, mass manipulation at the hands of a girl trying to steal said boyfriend, and teachers oversharing about trauma ‘round the campfire.  Join us as we puzzle through this truly chaotic Super Edition. Either buckle in or skip–and we highly recommend you...

This week, we continue to regress into angry teenagers as we follow Jessica’s COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE journey as she contemplates running away from home to escape her RUDE parents. Join us as we explore the many complex paradoxes of this text, including: running away to connect, bonding over being ‘nobodies,’ and, perhaps most disturbingly, being “in a hurry to jog.”  This week’s episode, “I’m a...

A plane crash, hysterical paralysis, and food poisoning–this book has it all!  Jessica takes a cooking class and falls in love with the art of French pastry (and a tasty dish named Jean-Pierre), and her parents take no classes at all and fall in love with being TOTALLY RUDE AND UNFAIR! Join us as we dive deep into the complex psychology of conversion disorder, define (despite Robert’s protestation...

Is there a number that holds the key to the secrets of the universe? This week, we have something a little different to tide you over for the holidays: a deep dive into the number 137, Jessica Wakefield's favorite hyperbole. Join us as we explore an age-old mystery that has fascinated, puzzled, and perplexed scholars from the Biblical to the scientific. This minisode poses more questions than...

It’s a showdown this week, with Lila and Jess both interested in the same guy. Jack is gorgeous, charming, and cultured… but there’s something mysterious about him we just can’t put our finger on.  Join us for a discussion of the lost art of seduction vis a vis phone number shenanigans, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and, despite Robert’s valiant efforts to avoid it, Strindberg’s Miss Julie.

Is it fiction or a natural fact? This week we ask: do opposites attract? Regina (and Robert) are head over heels for Bruce, But is it really true love, or just a convenient excuse? Is he trying to garner votes for a major role Thats a huge deal in this city: PRESIDENT of the Sweet Valley Centennial Student Committee.

This week, we ponder one of life’s greatest questions: what is love (baby, don’t hurt me)? Does it take two to tango, or can Caroline Pearce dance a pas-de-deux on her own? Caroline has created a dream boy, but Jess and Lila are pulling out all the stops (and checking train schedules) to ensure that he must show up in reality. Meanwhile, Caroline unearths a dramatic secret that threatens to tear t...

Roger’s world turns upside down when he learns he’s been a millionaire’s son all along! His new life involves a Cruella-like “aunt” (in pink silk lounging pajamas, mind you), social warfare vis-a-vis tennis, and an absolutely overwhelming number of forks.  Join us as we discuss this masterclass in gold digging, paternity as legal fiction, and the blandest psychosexual role-play in history, in “Whi...

It may be the dog days of summer in 2023, but it’s certainly fall in Sweet Valley, bringing us ghostly resonances, trick-or-treating, spooky secrets, and a bitter competition for something called Fall Dance Queen; join us in reviewing SVH #2, Secrets.

A promise is a promise and a promise must be kept. Or must it? This week, we delve into promises both lighthearted (taking care of loved ones) and gravely serious (eating pizza safely).  Are promises made to be broken? Tune in to "Promises Are Okay; Art School Saves” (Sweet Valley High #15, Promises) to find out.

Listen along as Pardo argues with herself on my behalf about Mrs. Doubtfire, pleads for us to #believehomosexuals (no homo), and dives into the most evocative passage of a person on a deck chair in the history of literature. When the very rich--and it must be said, very hot--Nicholas Morrow breezes into the twins' pool party and sets his very intense eyes on Liz, several people end up weaving...

Welp, Liz is in a bunker, but at least Jess is getting the chance to meet a new hottie! There’s repression, obsession, and lots of digressions in this one, but all turns out ok in the end.  Join us for Episode 14, It’s Kind of Nice to Have Liz in a Bunker (Sweet Valley High #13, Kidnapped!), and try to remember that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

We've got a mixed bag this week: a cancer diagnosis, candy-striping hijinks, and...an abduction via chlorofoam. Chlorofrome. CHLOROFORM. Join us for a discussion of Sweet Valley High #12, When Love Dies, and then try to describe this book without using the phrase "jimble-jamble." We dare you.

This week, we learn that all that glitters might just be too good to be true. A stolen lavaliere, uncomfortable hose play, and a discourse on the ethics of a coin toss. Join us as we explore a tale of two cities (Sweet Valley and the Big Apple) in “Call Her Suzy (All Her Friends Do),” Sweet Valley High #11, Too Good to be True.

A sensitive conversation boils over into a fight on this week’s episode. Once we simmer down, we get to the meat of the episode: cheerleading drama, frantic dancing, and splitting hairs over who’s living right. Join us for a fraught discussion we discuss Sweet Valley High #10, Wrong Kind of Girl. [Content Notice: This book (and therefore the podcast) talks about self-harm]

The titular race may take a backseat in this one, but Francine still knows how to get our hearts pounding. Join us for a discussion of the world of work, copy machine sabotage, and the valuation of potential dates as we discuss Sweet Valley High #9, Racing Hearts.

Surf’s up in Sweet Valley, and someone’s about to get their heart broken! Or… are they? Join us for a discussion of lost loves, grief, and the erotics of sunscreen application as we ride the turbulent waves of Sweet Valley High #8, Heartbreaker.

Dear Listener, have we got a book for you! Join us for a rollercoaster ride as we discuss comas, onion soup dip recipes, and perhaps the most lasting and impactful text within the canon, Sweet Valley High #7, Dear Sister.