Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Sorcha is sitting at the kitchen island with her laptop open and a pleased-with-herself smile that I recognise from the Mount Anville Class of 1998 graduation photograph on her bedside table. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So – yeah, no – we’re out in the old man’s boat in the middle of Dublin literally Bay, we’re talking me, the old man and Hennessy, and like the old man says, it’s just like old times. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So it’s, like, ten o’clock on a Friday night and Ronan’s at the front door. He goes, “How are you fixed for the Oddle Arelint football fidal on Suddendee, Rosser?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha smiles warmly at me – an event so rare that it’s actually worth mentioning. “I’m so proud of our daughter,” she goes. “She’s turning into a wonderful young woman.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The old man rings me at, like, two o’clock in the afternoon and goes, “Ross! You’re not busy, are you?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“Oh my God,” Sorcha goes, “they’ve struck again!” I’m there, “What are you talking about? As in, like, what the fock?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So – yeah, no – we’re at the recycling centre with a boot full of empty cans and bottles from a recent borbecue to celebrate Sorcha’s 43rd birthday and me having nine penalty points wiped from my driving licence on appeal. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I’m standing outside the famous Galloper on the Stillorgan dualler when Ronan rocks up. He’s as surprised to see me as I am to see him ? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I have to confess to getting a bit carried away, and I stort shouting things like, ‘Eat it up, you pack of losers!’ at the other moms and dads Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Honor has been walking around under a bit of a cloud ever since a dude by the name of Jonah – Wesley College, before you ask – friend-zoned her. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

There’s no mystery as to why they chose Kielty for the Late Late. He’s not 76 years old. His bodily organs didn’t come from a black morket doctor in Bogotá Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The old man is on the phone, shouting at me in his usual all-caps voice. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So we’re at a dinner in the famous Rochestown Lodge in – let’s be honest here – Sallynoggin, to raise money for the Seapoint Rugby Club U-8s Trip to Biarritz: Leave No Child Behind. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Honor goes, ‘It’s because I’m not good-looking.’ I’m there, ‘Looks aren’t important, Honor,’ and I’ve no idea where I’m pulling these lines from. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

He’s, like, standing right in front of the gaff, staring at his phone. I throw open the front door and I’m like, “Whatever you’re selling, fock off before I call the Feds,” which would be pretty much por for the course in these ports? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

People talk about polyamory like it’s a new thing. I’ve been polyamorous since the late 1990s. It’s just that I’ve never told my wife. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I know they say it’s not good for your health but my relationship with Honor has never been better Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

She has so much filler in her face that she looks like she’s had herself embalmed to save us the trouble when she finally pops it. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If everybody is doing something how bad can it be, Ross thinks, as he submits to peer pressure from his daughter and discovers vaping Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The old dear rings me and asks me to meet her for Sunday lunch in some, I don’t know, random Italian restaurant in Ranelagh. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The final whistle blows and I burst into tears. The greatest day of my life? It’s definitely up there. People bang on about the birth of their children, but children let you down. This Ireland team  never  do? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The big Castlerock College versus Newpork Comprehensive showdown has arrived Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

When his ‘back me or sack me’ move backfires, Ross is left in a mild depression having lost his job as the coach of Castlerock College girls rugby team. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Rossmeister General finds out about the ‘deleterious effect’ rugby is having on academic and behavioural standards among girls at school Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Only the crookedest lawyer in Ireland can get me out of this contract I accidentally signed with a modelling agency Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.