Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

The old man and Hennessy look a total state in their chef’s uniforms. Yeah, no, they’ve invited us all around to the old pair’s gaff for a New Year’s Eve dinner, a dry run – their words – for when the two of them supposedly buy and then reopen Shanahan’s on the Green. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So I’m, like, standing out on the balcony and – yeah, no – I’m vaping like a crazy person and I’m going, “Remember, goys, your old dear is going to be under a lot of pressure today.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The old dear smiles and I end up having to look away. I’m there, “Can you at least put your teeth in?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha says she knows me. She knows me inside-out. But I tell her that the Rossmeister General still has one or two surprises in his locker. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So – yeah, no – it’s that magical night of the year again when we all sit down as a family and write our letter to Santa Claus. We’ve the Bublé CD on and we’re all wearing our Christmas jumpers. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Honor is in an absolute fouler when she gets into the cor. I’m there, “Tough day at school?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

There’s a Gorda cor bent around a lamppost and people are standing around looking shocked. Who could be responsible for this cornage? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha is flirting with the fireman while the focking house is on fire, but there’ll be focking war if she finds out about the fireworks Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So I’m standing with Honor at the junction of Foster Avenue and the N11 and we’re watching people pass us by with agony, I don’t know, etched all over their faces ? Yeah, no, JP is running the Dublin City Marathon and I’ve turned up to cheer him on, as well as – obviously – the rest of the field. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara rings me. Which is a rare enough occurrence. On the four, maybe five, occasions it’s happened, it’s been to ask me to retrieve the Go Bag that he insists on storing in our attic and to drive him to Dublin Airport. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

JP says Chloe is writing a novel based on her college days. He’s like, “She’s hoping to do for DBS what Sally Rooney did for Trinity.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha asks if the beef is from a regenerative form and I end up having to look away. Seriously, you can’t bring her anywhere. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hennessy, the old man and Honor are sitting around the island, looking as thick as thieves. Which is exactly what they are. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Driving through the gates of  University College Dublin  (UCD) brings back one or two memories. Not that I spent much time in the place when I did the Sports Man Dip course back in the day. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So we’re in Morton’s of Ranelagh , doing the big shop, when we run into Rebecca Leahy, the old dear of Honor’s classmate Diva Leahy. Actually, she and Sorcha both reach for the last punnet of kumquats in the shop and I watch Sorcha’s body shape change to fight mode until Rebecca goes, “Sorcha! How are you? Oh my God, look at you! You must weigh nothing!” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for...

I‘ve always worried about Honor – from the time she emerged from her mother’s womb and gave a “fock you” look to the midwife who slapped her orse. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Leo’s music teacher, Mrs Gordon, says that Leo has a genuine gift for music and I’m thinking that I need this like Ranelagh needs more launderettes with performance spaces. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It’s, like, the first day back at school for Honor and she eats her muesli with the quiet, steely-eyed intensity of me doing my traditional 500 sit-ups on the first morning of the Six Nations Championship. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It’s true what they say – travel really does broaden the mind. And even though I’ve never seen the point of having loads of knowledge in my head when pretty much everything is available on the internet, you can still end up learning things when you go abroad whether you like it or not. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha says this is the worst thing I’ve ever done to her. It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever done to her. It’s not even in the top 10. But I don’t think it’s going to help my case if I stort running through some of my greatest hits. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So — yeah, no — Oisínn has landed himself an unbelievably cushy job. As a matter of fact, I have to ask him to repeat himself because I presume I’ve, like, misheard him? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Alice says that was a very interesting reading by me the other morning. She says she’s never heard the story of the Prodigal Son told in that way before. I’m there, “You mean all the different voices?” She goes, “The voices, yes – but also the sound effects.” I’m there, “I wanted to, you know, put a bit of welly into it for the audience. I was a bit of a showman in my rugby days. I think what we’r...

I’ve never been one of those parents. You know the kind I’m talking about. Their kid does a poo for the first time sitting on a toilet and they’re taking out an ad in The Irish Times to announce the news. It’s genuinely rare that I find myself in a position to say – like I did on Friday – that I’m proud of one of my children. Honor has now completed exactly half of her community service hours for...

I’m not usually one of those, what I like to call Flat White Wankers, but that’s what I’m drinking this morning, sitting outside the Happy Out Café on the seafront in Dún Laoghaire. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Leo is the first of us to get restless. He goes, “Oh my God, this is so boring!” and this is in the middle of the Protestant equivalent of, like, Mass ? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.