PsycHacks

If my episode "Bet on yourself," I spoke on the game-changing importance of unshakable self-confidence. But what if you feel -- justified or not -- that you have no legitimate basis for authentic confidence? What are you supposed to do then? The answer to this question is to think of yourself as a high school football coach whose team is down at halftime. Learn about the three tasks of the coach i...

This is the third in a series of short discussions on some of the lesser-known truths about romantic love. Do you think it was only a strange coincidence that the families of Romeo and Juliet hated each other? In this episode, I'll explain why romance thrives on obstruction. It goes all the way back to the original romantic myth, the tragedy of Tristan and Isolde, and it goes a long way toward exp...

This is the second in a series of short discussions on some of the lesser-known truths about romantic love. In this episode, I'll explain why romance so often ends in tragedy and heartbreak. Spoiler alert: it's orchestrated that way by design. By prioritizing the purity of spiritual union over the banality of everyday relationships, romantics doom themselves to unhappiness and loss. But that suffe...

This the first in a series of short discussions on some of the lesser-known truths about romantic love. In this episode, I'll explain why the unobtainability of the adored is actually a core component of the experience of romantic love. It goes all the way back to the code of the chivalric knights of old, and it goes a long way toward explaining one of the more bewildering facets of romance, namel...

"Catastrophic thought cascade" is a term I coined to described the cognitive phenomena that generally precede any immediate and intense emotional reaction. It's a series of imagined events linked by an apparent causality that only holds true when viewed through the lens of the emotion that created it. The trick to overcoming these events is to practice mindful awareness to slow down the subjective...

As its name suggests, a covert contract is a quid pro quo agreement that is not disclosed to the other party. At first blush, it seems absurd that anyone would engage in this practice. After all, if you don't explicitly negotiate terms, how can you reasonably expect to get what you hope to receive from the transaction? However, people engage in covert contracts in their personal and professional r...

Everything has an origin, and that includes romantic love. While people have apparently been falling in love since the beginning of recorded history, the notion that this is a desirable state is actually fairly recent. In this episode, I'll discuss the origin of romantic love as it emerged in the South of France in the 11th or 12th Century AD. This origin story might be surprising, but it helps to...

The balance of attraction is a concept I developed to help explain certain emotional dynamics in romantic relationships. It's based on a fundamental axiom, which is: no two people can like each other exactly the same amount. One of the most important corollaries of this axiom is that, in any relationship, one person will like the other more and one person will like the other less. Who occupies whi...

Can you imagine a basketball team could remain competitive in the NBA if it made an organizational commitment never to commit a foul? They would be decimated by teams of comparable talent and ability that didn't restrict themselves so unnecessarily. The truth is that the top players both know the rules of their game intimately and know when to break those rules strategically. Too much obedience ca...

The fundamental law of attraction is very straightforward. In fact, it's so obvious that many people just gloss over it. Are you ready? The fundamental law is: people want what they want, not what wants them. And this comes with a few important corollaries. Most notable among them is the fact that you can't make someone want you more by wanting them more. However, you might be able to make someone...

The Zen master Charlotte Joko Beck talks about the empty canoe in her book, "Everyday Zen." It's a simple metaphor that reveals a profound truth about the human experience of anger: it requires the imputation of agency in order to flourish. If you remove the imputation of agency -- picture an empty canoe drifting mysteriously through the fog -- then the experience of anger will vanish shortly ther...

Imagine an elementary school bully: a big, dopey boy that picks on other kids using the threat of violence. Do you think that one day that bully will wake up and say to himself: "you know, I've made some good money from this gig, but I don't think I need to do this anymore. I have enough lunch money"? That will never, ever, ever happen. You cannot comply your way out of bullying. And it's always e...

When I was younger, I used to believe that my mind was a laboratory sealed off from the rest of the world. As long as I didn't speak or act on my thoughts, I believed that I was at liberty to think whatever I wanted within the privacy of my own mind. However, I've come to understand that thoughts aren't nearly as private as I believed. In this episode, I'll discuss two ways our thoughts tend to be...

Many of you are probably aware that in several Romance languages the verb "esperar" means both "to hope" and "to wait" -- which always seemed a bit odd to me. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the two concepts have more in common than first appears. In this episode, I'll discuss how all real hoping involves waiting, but not all waiting involves real hoping. If you're n...

Right now, I'm playing through the surprising excellent "Guardians of the Galaxy" video game for the PlayStation 5. Among all of the first rate performances, I've been particularly charmed by Jason Cavalier's portrayal of Drax the Destroyer. In this pop psychology episode of PsycHacks, I'm going to offer a brief character analysis of Drax, focusing on two of his more admirable traits: his relation...

I experience anger as a voice in my head that tells me things. And those things that it tells me are lies. Anger is a deceiver. It offers the feeling of power in exchange for my self-control -- which actually renders me powerless in the face of my provoker. Anger is a useful servant, but a terrible master. The trick is to learn to yoke the power of anger to constructive, intentional action. Do thi...

The title of this episode is the last line in a poem by Percy Shelley, called "Ode to the West Wind." The question is obviously rhetorical, as Spring has followed Winter as an inevitability since the dawn of time. I like to keep this line in mind when I'm moving through challenging times. The darker it gets, the closer I approach the return of the light. There is no need for fear or panic: when Wi...

What is love? I've developed my own unique answer to this question. I call it my parts of speech model of love, and I'd like share it with you today. Basically, with greater awareness and understanding, the nature of love evolves: from noun to verb to adverb. In this episode, I'll briefly discuss each stage, emphasizing the characteristics of its highest form: adverbial love. Happy Valentine's Day...

One of my all-time favorite writers is Haruki Murakami, and my personal favorite among his many excellent works is the imaginative and underrated "Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World." In this book is a fantastic line, which just so happens to be the title of this episode: a good craftsman has one scar. Why might this be the case? In this episode, I'll break down the surprising wisdom...

It's hard to keep your cool when things don't go your way. As someone who used to get angry a lot, I've had to work hard to overcome my tendency to lose my temper. In this episode, I'll discuss one strategy that has helped me to stay frosty in provocative situations. I call it the price of peace. By quantifying the amount of money you would need to receive in order to abide in anger against your w...

There's a Jewish parable that I love. A family goes to temple to make offerings to God by placing objects of value on the altar. However, the youngest child is distraught because he has nothing -- and so has nothing to give. So he decides to recite the alphabet, as it's all that he knows. According to the parable, this was the offering that was prized most highly by God. In this episode, I'll disc...

I like this phrase: "wanting is free." And I'm going to explain why in this episode. When others want things from you, it's important to remember that "wanting is free." That is, it cost them absolutely nothing to want those things. So there's no harm or loss that results from turning them down. And when you yourself want something, it's important to remember the same thing. That is, wanting is fr...

Speech is magic. By uttering the appropriate sequence of sounds you can literally conjure things into existence within others' consciousness. In light of this, you can refine your capacity to speak what you want into being. In this episode, I'll discuss two tricks to doing this effectively. The first is to use your words to trap yourself successfully, and the second is to refrain from speaking wha...

Over the course of my clinical experience, I've helped many people -- including those who were actively in the process of dying -- with their death anxiety. Among other things, I've discovered that death anxiety tends to be more prevalent among younger people than older people. In this episode, I'll discuss why that might be the case and propose a method for coping with this type of anxiety by dra...

The beginning of a new year is a time for people to set goals for the next twelve months. Unfortunately, many good-intentioned resolutions fail, often due to a lack of discipline. In this episode, I will discuss an easy and surefire way to ensure your own compliance with any new habit you're attempting to cultivate. The catch? No one likes doing it. However, it's precisely this aversion that funct...