PsycHacks

It's easier than you think to get people to like you more. Unfortunately, in attempting to do so, most people are actively decreasing attraction. Don't be like most people! In this episode, I'll discuss both what this simple trick is and why it works on others. The magic is that the increase in attraction generally occurs beneath the threshold of awareness -- which means that this trick works, whe...

This will be my first attempt at Storytime, in which I share a lesson gleaned from my personal life experience. In this episode, I'll relate the story of how I thwarted an attempted mugging while I was walking in the Chinese countryside. The takeaway is the psychological power of "half-ness," which exercises a fascinating influence on men. Hope you enjoy! #storytime #mugging #half

This is not a very popular view, but danger and uncertainty are essential components of continual self-improvement. In this episode, I'll discuss the concepts of "responsible danger" and "predictable uncertainty" -- both why they are useful and what they might look like. The idea is to use danger and uncertainty with intentionality to expose yourself to the challenge and novelty necessary for cons...

Epicurus was an ancient Greek philosopher who wrote extensively on the subject of happiness. He was fundamentally a hedonist, who is someone who believes that people are motivated to avoid pain and secure pleasure. However, the ideas of pleasure and hedonism have been largely misunderstood by contemporary audiences. In this episode, I'll discuss some of the things Epicurus actually said on these s...

We all know that social media offers a distorted view of reality. In this episode, I'll discuss precisely how it does that using an analogy. The fact of the matter is that people do not indiscriminately share good things with the world, because the world will only ruin them. Therefore, any perceived good on social media is either (a) not actually good, or (b) not actually theirs. Only a fool would...

This is a phrase I picked up from the 12-step community. Basically, it means that there is no absolute limit to suffering, and that each person decides for himself or herself when enough is enough. If you're in a relationship with an addict, this realization is heartbreaking and infuriating -- but it's true. On the other hand, if bottom is subjective, then there's nothing stopping someone from thr...

It's important to learn how to cleanly, clearly, and effectively communicate. The ultimate ideal is to achieve impeccability with your word, in which your word is pristine, true, and binding. In this episode, I'll discuss two practices that I took on years ago to move in this direction with my language. If you adopt these practices in your own life, I wager that you will be able to avoid many of t...

Killing the hope is an emotional survival strategy. If you find yourself ruminating about an ex, or holding on to the dream of reconciliation, it may be necessary to kill the hope inside of you. This is a ruthless procedure, but one that can wrest your heart free of months (or years) of suffering. The way to kill the hope is to practice TRUE no contact, which is no inner contact with the internali...

A deal breaker is anything that would motivate your willingness to leave a relationship, even if everything else about that relationship were ideal. In this episode, I'll discuss "organic deal breakers," which are behaviors that are deal breakers by virtue of the fact that they, if left unchecked, will destroy the relationship all by themselves, as well as how to broach a discussion about deal bre...

For some folks, it's harder to accept a compliment than criticism. In this episode, I'll discuss a trick I use to receive compliments without embarrassment or vanity. Basically, I flexibly shift my perspective to join with the complimenter in appreciation of whatever is being complimented. By doing so, I can share in the experience of appreciation without being a passive receptacle for praise. And...

In today's foray into pop psychology, I'll be discussing the relationship between James Bond and his gadgets. Though he is plied with fancy watches and flashy cars, Bond is able to utilize status and luxury as a means to an end: the accomplishment of his mission. In this way, he offers us an important lesson on the appropriate relationship to materialism: it's just stuff. It's useful to the extent...

This is a realization that came to me while hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, a nearly 2700-mile long hiking path connecting Mexico to Canada. Despite my lack of ostensible progress from one day to the next, I understood that the path -- the thing literally beneath my feet -- was already at my destination. This realization came with a couple of corollaries, which I will briefly discuss in this episo...

To understand that, to be free, we cannot do whatever we want, we need only look to nature. The Earth, for example, has enjoyed free and unobstructed motion around the sun for billions of years, because it has restricted itself to an orbit that allows that motion to continue. A decision that restricts freedom over time is really just destruction in slow motion. So, to preserve our freedom, we are...

This is a topic that has been requested many times by my listeners. It's difficult to love without emotional attachment, but it's extremely important to learn to do so. If you don't, you'll either participate in games of control or resign yourself to the emotional roller coaster. The key to loving without attachment is to treat people like cats. Using this extended metaphor, I'll discuss strategie...

I occasionally work with clients who are distressed over the apparently unfair treatment they have received from their parents relative to their siblings, who they believe have been given everything on a silver platter. A simple tactic I've developed to respond to envy (especially in the context of siblings) is to ask: would you change places with them? In ten years, I've yet to meet someone who w...

This one is for the straight ladies. It's important to understand that men approach dating and relationships differently than you do. As is often the case in life, the direct path isn't always the best way to get what you want. If you appreciate that your dating profile is essentially an advertisement, you can begin to market yourself more strategically to your target audience. In this episode, I'...

This one is for the workaholics. The delay of gratification is an important skill to cultivate if you want to be successful and high-achieving. However, if you don't also practice enjoying your life along the way, you won't be able to do so once you ultimately attain your goals. This is all the more true if hard work and self-denial come easily to you. I'll discuss more in this episode. #success #...

If you're unemployed and you want a job, then finding a job is your job. It becomes your full-time occupation. You strategize and implement on a large scale until it works. The same principle holds true in dating. If you're single and you want a certain kind of relationship, then finding that relationship is your job. It becomes your full-time occupation. You strategize and implement on a large sc...

Revenge can be a very powerful force, if utilized in the service of growth and self-development. Most high-achieving individuals (at least initially) manage to yoke their wills to the force of revenge in order to accelerate their progress. That said, while revenge is a useful first-stage fuel, it becomes increasingly problematic the longer it burns. Consequently, it's essential that you find a mor...

Because the universe lives closed, we are all going to experience far more rejection than acceptance across our lifespans. So the sooner we can disabuse ourselves of certain illusions concerning rejection, the better. In this episode, I discuss these illusions, which I call the three Ps, namely: rejection is painful, personal, and permanent. The goal is to eventually see rejection as a form of fee...

It can happen that, in the course of our relationship, we find ourselves the object of another person's disrespect or negativity. The question that passes through most reasonable people's minds is: "how much is enough?" I have a simple rule of thumb to answer this question. I call it the "stranger on a bus" rule. Basically, anyone in my life has to treat me at least as well as they would treat a s...

"Love-food" is a term I coined to represent the experience of being held emotionally by another. It's important to the emotional well-being of all people, and essential to the development of children. Every family is like a little ecosystem, and within each family is a limited supply of love-food. Through unconscious reinforcement contingencies, parents influence children to occupy different niche...

Back when I was in a dance-theatre company, we had a rule of thumb when it came to our shows. Anything that we created had to be "too short to suck." Those who liked our work would want more, and those who didn't would feel relieved we hadn't wasted more of their time. This is an excellent guideline to follow when creating content. You don't have to prove yourself by giving more than is necessary....

My definition of "confidence" is the consistent, felt experience of success. And this definition contains the blueprint to achieving authentic confidence. The first step is being able to do the thing. The second step is being able to do the thing consistently. And the third step is allowing that consistent success to impact you emotionally. I discuss more in this episode. #confidence #success #com...

Letting go is an emotional survival technique that everyone should learn. The paradox of heartbreak is that the negative emotions cause you to emotionally clench around the memory of the lost object. And you cannot let go of something that you are simultaneously clinging to. So the trick to letting go depends on cultivating gentle, positive emotions relative to the lost object, which allow you to...