PsycHacks

This will be a bitter pill to swallow for many people, but love has nothing to do with relationships. Whereas relationships are the medium through which value is transacted -- and, therefore, require rules, definitions, and compromises in order to "do business" -- love is royally indifferent to all of these things and expects nothing in return. This is because relationships are about getting what...

While evolutionary psychology can be incredibly useful in explaining much of modern mating and dating preferences, it fails, in my opinion, to adequately appreciate the influence of status on intersexual dynamics. The standards of attractiveness fluctuate (somewhat) from generation to generation and from culture to culture; however, what remains constant is the collective selection of some subset...

Most people on the planet are subject to a delusion so prevalent that it is functionally invisible. In so many words, the delusion is that one's judgments about reality inhere in reality, itself. It kinda works like this: people judge phenomena according to egocentric standards, project those judgments into reality, block awareness of that projection, and then mistake their projected judgments for...

Much like attraction, the balance of power in a relationship is never exactly equal. Whether we like it or not, one person always has more power than an other in a given relationship. It would be irresponsible to claim that this power imbalance neatly follows gendered lines, as it intimately depends on the actual individuals involved. That said, in this episode, I give you three easy ways to make...

This might sound odd coming from a therapist, but talking -- especially in the context of intimate relationships -- is overrated. While talking is the most effective strategy for dealing with some issues (e.g., logistics), it is woefully inadequate for solving most of the problems encountered in relationships. In fact, to the extent that talking changes behavior, this is often due to the punitive...

As is often the case, a fulfilling sexual relationship often is an issue of selection. The way to have one is to pick someone with a comparable libido, and who (ideally) has worked through his or her sexual baggage. However, even within these general recommendations, difficulties can develop. In this episode, I will discuss how to handle a woman who turns down a bid for sex. Just because her kitch...

The idea of 50-50 relationships sounds appealing: it's the definition of equality, and it ensures that people get as much as the give. Unfortunately, these relationships don't really work in practice due to several economic realities of the dating market that people are often loathe to acknowledge. The crux of the situation is that, in a 50-50 relationship, the woman is giving the most she is will...

I can appreciate the perspective of the agnostic and atheistic. Without empirical evidence of God, and without any direct experience of the divine, believing in God can really seem like a fairytale. In this episode, I aim to guide these folks to the point at which God may become apparent by discussing a seemingly unrelated question: how can you prove that you exist? As we'll see, the same proofs f...

I strongly recommend that a man should clarify his intentions with respect to any given woman in his life before he interacts with her. This gives him coherence with respect to his words and actions, and makes it much more likely that he will get what he wants. A man who does not have a plan for his life will end up a part of someone else's plan. When it comes to women, this generally happens as a...

Modern women seem to be on the horns of a two-pronged dilemma. On the one hand, they lament the diminishing pool of high-value men with whom they might satisfy their hypergamy. And on the other hand, they reject the distasteful possibility that they might partner with a lower-value man. "If I provide the money and the lifestyle and the responsibility and the competence," they might think, "then wh...

This is a dishonest question that women often use against men who express too much interest or enthusiasm for the sexual dimension of their relationships. While I believe I can appreciate women's concerns in this regard, the fact of the matter is that sexual relationships are the only socially-acceptable place for men to get their sexual needs met. So bringing their interest and enthusiasm to thes...

In this sponsored episode, I talk about the failure of a bill legislating the creation of a state commission on men's and boy's issues from receiving a hearing on the floor of the Washington state House of Representatives for the second year in a row -- despite being authored by two women and enjoying bipartisan support. I discuss why that might be the case, including: the common misconception tha...

Time to talk about the red pill. For the purposes of this discussion, I'm defining the red pill as a set of knowledge and know-how that facilitates the construction of a worldview pertaining to men's place in society and intersexual dynamics, in particular. In many respects, the red pill can be likened to a spiritual transformation, in that -- having undergone it -- the person is no longer who he...

After a lot of consideration, I've come to the conclusion that humans are more or less tragically superficial with respect to their desire and attraction. This can be overridden with rationality and effort, but the default programming seems to be shallow. Both men and women are superficial when it comes to mating and dating -- albeit in different ways -- and complaining about this reality won't ch...

Hardly a week goes by without me talking to a man about his jealousy with respect to his woman's sexual history. These men know that their reaction is "irrational" -- there is no current threat to the relationship, and the behavior in question usually occurred before they even knew the women -- but the feelings they experience are real and painful, nonetheless. In this episode, I explain why this...

One of my general orientations to communication is to never say anything about anyone that you wouldn't feel comfortable saying directly to his or her face. However, there is one exception to this orientation. It's a more advanced strategy, and it's what I'm going to discuss in this episode. Basically, you're allowed to say things about others behind their backs that you wouldn't say to their face...

Self-sabotage is a fascinating and complex behavior. In general, self-sabotage is a defense strategy that protects the ego's illusory self-regard from having a disconfirming experience with reality. It also provides a sense of safety by both creating limiters on action and offering self-saboteurs some degree of control. As painful as it is to fail, it is even more painful to do so on someone else'...

In today's sponsored video, I tackle the question: "where have all the good men gone?" While you can make the argument that the decline in masculinity may be due in part to genetic influences, I make the case that cultural/social factors are more directly at play. A culture can disappear from the face of the Earth in three generations. If boys continue to be taught -- directly or indirectly -- tha...

If you want to avoid some of the major avoidable pitfalls of being alive, then "produce more than you consume" is a good general orientation to life. In this episode, I begin by applying this principle in some obvious domains (i.e., physical health and financial well-being) before moving on to the topic of content consumption and creative production. Many people are now consuming so much content t...

Why is it that your best efforts are often repaid with indifference, rejection, and contempt? This is a complicated phenomenon, but we can view one possible explanation through the lens of the balance of attraction. In turns out that people have preferences with respect both to the position they would rather occupy, and to the size of the gap they would like to experience. Being nice to others put...

Serial monogamy is a dating strategy that so clearly favors women that I'm consistently surprised when men voluntarily assume it for themselves. The crux of the issue is that it is much easier for the average woman to enter into a new relationship after the end of the old one than it is for the average man. Over time, this leads to significant disparities in experience and opportunity that make it...

There is an inherent asymmetry between wanting and giving: wanting is free, but giving is costly. This is why wanting is such a good interpersonal strategy, and why -- the more successful you become as a man -- the more you should expect more women to want more things from you. However, your time, energy, and money are limited quantities that cannot be doled out on request. So learning to reject w...

Many folks believe cannabis to be a relatively harmless drug: it's next to impossible to overdose on it, and it doesn't seem to create physiological dependence. It's not a "hard" drug, like some of the other "bad" ones. However, weed is much more dangerous than most people think. Among other things, it tricks people into thinking that they're using their time well, and it keeps people comfortable...

Developing an emotional virtue (patience, compassion, forgiveness) is not much different from strengthening a physical muscle. You have to put in the reps with some degree of intentionality. The main difference between the two practices is -- while you go to the physical gym -- the emotional gym comes to you. You do not get to decide when you're in the emotional gym. You only get to choose whether...

In today's sponsored episode, I respond to a viewer who is asking after the likelihood of successfully turning things around in his marriage after twelve years of "nice guy" behavior. This is a really common problem, and one that comes up again and again in my paid consultations. First, I explain how men tend to find themselves in this predicament to begin with, by discussing the most common male...