PastMaster: Reshaping History

New Mexico and Germany, 1945. The Manhattan Project is racing towards the atomic bomb, and two unlikely saboteurs have been sent back to stop it: Barbie and Ken. A two-player game inspired by the summer's Barbie and Oppenheimer double feature. Keon is Barbie, deep undercover in Los Alamos. Tan is Ken, deep undercover in Germany. One of them is all business. The other has accidentally started farmi...

Port Royal, Jamaica, 1592. The Golden Age of Piracy, the Caribbean's most notorious haven, and Ryan has finally cracked the code to make ChatGPT swear. The result is Captain F*ck-C*ntle — a foul-mouthed buccaneer with a crew of cutlass-rattling sea-dogs, a romantic interest called Belch-Breathed Bella, and a business plan built entirely around training parrots to swear like squaddies. Ryan's pirat...

Olympia, Greece, 776 BCE. The first Olympic Games are about to begin, the athletes are naked, and Keon's turned up with a plan to introduce wheelbarrow racing. With Louise Banham voicing the Game Master, the original Olympics are about to get some very unauthorised new events. Keon's pitch to the ancient Greek Olympic Committee: wheelbarrow racing as an official event. The fact that wheelbarrows w...

London, 1592. Shakespeare is writing plays, Queen Elizabeth I is ruling with an iron fist, and Louise Banham has just arrived with a plan to beat the Bard to the punch by writing Macbeth: The Musical. Her mission: become ruler of England through the power of jazz hands. It's a strategy that nobody, in any century, has attempted before. Louise's approach to Elizabethan power: infiltrate the theatre...

Vienna, 1911. The Habsburg Empire is creaking, Wagner's Lohengrin is playing at the opera house, and somewhere in the audience sits a young, failed art student who will one day start a world war. Nick Horseman has been sent back with one mission: find Adolf Hitler and kill him before he rises to prominence. The time machine is a log flume. Obviously. The ultimate pub conversation brought to life....

Ancient Egypt, 1250 BCE. The reign of Rameses II — one of the most powerful pharaohs in history, and Ryan's been tasked with deposing him. His plan? Insult the sacred cats. Repeatedly. With Nick Horseman taking over as Game Master and stricter rules in play, Ryan's immediate goal is to find out what happens if you try to lose on purpose. Ryan, as "Ryanardo," lands in Bubastis, the cult centre of c...

Chicago, 1926. Prohibition is in full swing, the speakeasies are packed, and Nick Horseman has just walked into one with his gangster patter down to a tee. His opening move? Spit whisky in the bartender's face and smash a glass on the floor. It's a power move. Whether it's a good one is another question entirely. Nick's approach to Prohibition-era organised crime: extreme confidence, zero subtlety...

Republican Rome, 70 BCE. The Circus Maximus is packed, the crowd is baying for blood, and Tan's just arrived with plans to pimp his chariot using 21st-century engineering know-how. Channelling his inner Premiership footballer, he struts into the arena and starts baiting the crowd before the race has even begun. Tan's strategy for Roman chariot racing: upgrade the ancient design with modern automot...

The Egyptian Underworld, 1400 BCE. Keon (aka Kheper) is knee-deep in the afterlife, and the jackal-headed god Anubis is deciding whether to weigh his heart or just rip it out of his chest. Keon's not here to be judged. He's here to pitch a theme park. Picking up from last week's descent into the ancient world, Kheper's plan for the Underworld involves talking his way past a series of increasingly...

Ancient Egypt, 1400 BCE. The New Kingdom is at its zenith — monumental temples, all-powerful pharaohs, and an elaborate system of gods who will absolutely rip your heart out if you displease them. Keon's arrived in Thebes as "Kheper," and his top priority is beard grooming tips. Specifically, the pharaoh's beard grooming tips. Everyone's got their reasons. Keon's approach to ancient Egypt: ignore...

Galilee, 25 AD. Baron Saffron's spice empire is taking shape — a gang of local tough-nuts, a stolen donkey, and unfinished business with Mordechai. But the saffron trade takes a backseat this week, because Tan's finally landed a meeting with the most famous man in the ancient world: Jesus Christ. And he's got notes. Tan's pitch to Jesus: abandon the preaching, embrace musical theatre, and let the...

Galilee, 25 AD. The Roman Empire is at its height, Jesus Christ is performing miracles down the road, and Tan's just been caught stealing bread. Not the most auspicious start for a man about to style himself as "Baron Saffron" — the region's most ambitious spice dealer. His plan: build a condiment empire in the ancient world. His methods: questionable at best. Tan's business model: undercutting, a...

The Jurassic era, 65 million years BCE. There are no humans, no language, and no reason whatsoever to attempt diplomacy with a T-Rex. Tan's doing it anyway. As "Tanimus Maximus," he's arrived with a plan to befriend the dinosaurs, arm them with wooden helmets, and teach them the cultural rewards of song and dance. The mammal revolution starts here. PastMaster's parameters get pushed to breaking po...

Medieval England, 1415. The Battle of Agincourt is looming, Henry V is rallying his troops, and comedian Sunil Patel has gone straight to a tavern to ask a group of merchants if anyone's got a job going. His pitch: "I have a very particular set of skills that will only become apparent once you give me the job." The merchants are intrigued. They probably shouldn't be. Sunil's approach to 15th-centu...

Victorian London, 1851. Charles Darwin is working on the most important scientific text in history, and Ryan's just turned up at the pub under the deeply suspicious pseudonym "Ryland Mulchroneforth." His plan? Gaslight the father of evolution, steal credit for the Theory of Natural Selection, and demand a piggyback across town. The Game Master this week is Marvin the Paranoid Android from The Hitc...

The Shire, Middle Earth. Gandalf's got a plan to destroy the One Ring. Tan thinks it's rubbish. Arriving as "Thokk the Unthinkable" — a friendly orc, which is already a contradiction — Tan's here to fix Tolkien's plot holes. The Fellowship spent three books and eleven hours of cinema walking the Ring to Mount Doom. Tan reckons he could sort it in about twenty minutes. It involves the Eagles. PastM...

Scandinavia, circa 850 AD. The Viking Age is at its peak, longships are terrorising the coasts of Europe, and Keon's just arrived with one goal: be worshipped as a god. His opening move? Walk up to a rival chieftain called Bjorn, shout "what are you looking at?", and headbutt him in the face. Subtle, it is not. Styling himself as "Jarl Olaf," Keon's approach to Viking politics is pure aggression....

Medieval England, circa 1300. The ancient capital of Winchester is bustling, the local lord's court is in full swing, and a mysterious traveller called "Ryanardo" has just materialised in the marketplace whistling Chuck Berry. His plan? Introduce Guns N' Roses to the Middle Ages using nothing but a lute and sheer audacity. Ryan's strategy for medieval stardom: form a partnership with a local bard,...

The Wild West, 1865. The Civil War's just ended, the frontier is wide open, and Keon has arrived in Lexington, Kentucky with one mission: invent fast food a century early. He knows nothing about history. He knows nothing about RPGs. He definitely doesn't know how fried chicken actually works. But he's got $50 in gold coins and the confidence of a man who's never been to Kentucky but has definitely...