Liz Jones's Diary

Liz and Nic are apart this week, because Nic's other half has Covid - which Liz says ties in neatly with this week's theme, that everything's a man's fault. Liz has been in a Twitter spat again, and has had some bad news - but her usual tactic of thinking about Nigel doesn't seem to be working. Meanwhile, a reader has written in to ask about Liz's secrets (and she reveals one she's never talked ab...

Liz is worried about the fact that sales assistants on cosmetic counters are now saying, ‘Do you want to apply some NOW?’ when she walks up - and is finding looking in the mirror more stressful than her MRI scan. Lots of readers have written in after Gracie the dog collapsed last week - and Nic’s dog Boris (not named after the PM) is in the doghouse again. Meanwhile, Liz is talki...

It's safe to listen to the podcast this week - as Liz has announced that she is retiring from singing (much to Nic's delight). Nic is enjoying out-of-body experiences, thanks to an astral projection course - and Liz is wondering whether she would still have her fiance if she'd not written about him in her column (and broke the fourth wall, Fleabag-style), and just griped behind his back like a nor...

Liz is back from her trip to London Fashion Week - but where she wasn’t very impressed!  Meanwhile, Nic is reading '30 Things I love About Myself’ and struggling to write her own list.  Plus, readers get in touch about hair loss and unappreciative partners, and Liz and Nic reminisce about that time Liz met a tweenage Justin Bieber.   See omnystudio.com/listener for priva...

Nic is having a bad week, she's lost her voice and her boyfriend forgot to book a table for Valentines' Day, but Liz is pretty sure her's has been worse. The pair have been watching This is Going to Hurt, and want to know why the feminists aren't as outraged about animals mums as they seem to be about fictional human ones. Plus, Liz has realised why she was single in her prime, turns out dressing...

Liz is looking forward to a single Valentine’s day this year, where she can enjoy a triple bill of Keira Knightley without cries of, ‘I can’t stand anything with bonnets!’ Meanwhile, Liz is remembering the time she met Prince after seeing him 17 days in a row at Wembley, and Nic is reading a book in an attempt to understand men... but will it reveal why they always put empt...

Liz and Nic are talking about THAT pair of pieces this week (the one where Liz wrote about faking orgasms, then her ex-husband joined in). Liz didn’t read her husband’s bit, as she's practicing self-care, but spent days asking Nic, ‘What did he say?’ instead. Meanwhile, Liz is contemplating unblocking her ex just to talk about Paul McCartney - and listeners have been writin...

With 105 podcast episodes under their belt, Liz and Nic have definitely outpaced Harry and Meghan (who’ve done one in two years). This week, our hosts have been enjoying some winter walks, but they’re not peaceful like they are on television - it’s screaming, panic and pockets full of sausages (but Nic would like to make clear that Boris the dog isn’t named after THAT Boris...

Liz used to have a column called ‘Jones moans’ and this week she’s got a moan: about how no one ever sticks up for her (even when people say horrible things about her dogs). Meanwhile, LIz and Nic are discussing Matt Hancock’s torso (and why men SHOULD be ashamed about their ugly T-shirt arms) - and Liz is remembering that time she went to the Dorchester and got into Bruce...

Someone (a fellow award-winning writer) has criticised And Just Like That for showing that women get old and frail - and Liz wonders if she’s the only one who sees that life really is hard. Meanwhile, Nic is fantasising about marrying a vet (or at the very least Graham Hall off Dogs Behaving Very Badly) and Liz is wondering whether the reason she can’t close the book on the past is tha...

The word of the week this week is ‘blocked’, after Nic’s boyfriend disgraced himself on New Year - and Liz got a VERY peculiar response by text when she sent a gift of a box-fresh iPhone 13. Meanwhile, Liz is feeling sympathy for Novak Djokovic and remembering the time she went back to her old school … and realised she was the only one who wasn’t married. See omnystu...

Liz and Nic are setting their New Years resolutions, but how do they compare to the ones Liz made back in 2007? Nic is recovering from being offered hair dye as a Christmas present but Liz's Christmas might just have been worse. She's splashed out on a gift for the Ex but what did he get her in return and why does the box resemble cat ashes?!  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy informati...

It’s the 100th episode of the podcast and Liz and Nic are celebrating. Nic’s getting excited for Christmas dinner at her Mums, but Liz has turned down an invite to join them. It’s rescue dog Teddie’s first Christmas (well real Christmas as he’s technically had a few already) and Liz is starting to realise why she gets on so much better with animals than humans. Plus,...

There’s a new man in Liz’s life - but this time, she’s not waxed or even plucked in preparation. The big question, of course, is will the other border collies be jealous of Ted? Liz is reminiscing about the time she visited a homeless centre (and realised that all of us are just a few steps away from being on the streets ourselves) - and celebrating having raised £20,000 fo...

Liz was feeling a bit sorry for herself (and thinking she was going to have to buy a hat). But then she got a letter from a reader who described how her daughter Jenny has been left unable to watch TV or even wash. Jenny can't move her neck as it would cause massive damage that would kill her. Liz says her story made her realise her own life isn't so bad - and hopes that she and her listeners can...

There have been two ‘Miranda Priestly’ moments this week, including a late-night call where Liz asked Nic, ‘I’ve got an assistant, why am I booking trains?’ Liz is wondering how people manage a normal Christmas, why she isn’t married to Liam Neeson - and how women actually manage to rustle up a meal every night (tricky considering Liz only has Pellegrino and pom...

Liz’s spell seems to have worked: the movie star has emailed, and Liz has sent a message so outrageous she worries she has ‘lost it’ - but will he reply? Meanwhile, Nic has started to turn off her phone notifications after 7pm, and Liz is preparing to do the same so she can spend some quality time with Paul McCartney. Liz reminisces about the time Gordon Ramsay tried to teach her...

Liz thinks that this week’s column should be re-titled ‘In which I have all the sex’, after her hotel encounter turned very steamy last week (even although her Romeo nearly spoiled it all by making a smear with a lemon while making a G&T and failing to shave his eyebrows). Meanwhile, Nic has been for a Tarot reading (but Liz is mainly wondering whether she will start getting...

Has Liz Jones crossed the line this time? Some readers certainly think so - but Liz is reminiscing about that time she dated a model (one of the three-and-a-half men in her life) - and how it was similar to the ‘modelisers’ in Sex and the City. Liz has emailed a man for no-strings sex, but is making time for dinner with a friend first, and is musing on how she’s like George Micha...

Liz has sent an email to a man she chastely spent the night with circa 1978 (who has now given up being a film star)... and is so excited she's ordered a milky tank top. Liz is talking about THAT piece again, the one where she admitted to trying to steal her husband's sperm, and says that you've got to start young if you want to be a writer, because you have to keep records of all the men you've s...

It’s Halloween and Liz and Nic are getting in the spirit of things. Liz has spotted a ghost from her own past and wants to get back in touch. Nic has a new man in her life, he’s big, stubborn, and called Boris (no not that one!) Plus, Liz looks back to the first time she met Nigel - should she have had a drink with him when he asked? See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Liz is trying to bring a bit of balance this week and is listing all the times she was terrible to men (like the time she asked a boyfriend where his proper shoes were in front of the Maitre d') - but actually, weren't the men worse? Nic has done a charity skydive, and might be about to become a dog parent again - meanwhile Liz is thinking back to her husband and all HIS faults (such as being wind...

Liz’s phone has been going off non-stop - readers have sighted ‘the Hunk’, photographer Nigel, on Married at First Sight Australia. But Nigel is looking disturbingly well-fed - has he remarried? Meanwhile, a new book is offering Liz and Nic some (terrible) tips on love after 50 - and Liz is reminiscing about the time when she was sent out to report on an earthquake... and arrived...

This week’s column reads like it’s Liz’s swan song, her last column ever… which probably means that all her rivals (and all her exes) are cheering. Meanwhile, Liz has looked up the vegetarian photographer’s house on Google Earth to assess his wealth - but is trying to cancel their date, because she’s a bit like Picasso (and if you don’t like the art, don&...

Sometimes it’s easier to get a new man than a new pair of shoes, Liz muses, as she prepares for a date with a vegetarian photographer (who won’t have seen her Louboutin shoe boots, so she can pretend they are new). The photographer is five foot six, but he has already promised he won't ghost or block her, so there’s that. Meanwhile, Liz and Nic have been watching Bond - but Liz o...