I Know, I Need To Stop Talking... so I made a podcast

Send a text In which I lose yet another ****ing body part; the podcast hits TEN THOUSAND downloads; I relive the sheer and abject joy which was Beth's wedding; we celebrate our wedding anniversary with "The Terrible Jamie", and Beth serves up some bargain champagne; there is a much needed return to normality, and I freeze my own vagina off in the process; I fail to dress appropriate...

Send a text In which the podcast welcomes its first ever guest...... Mr IKINTST!!! We celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary by recording a podcast together; Jamie proves that he should never be trusted in charge of a Covid test, and gets thoroughly confused about the origins of Dame Judi Dench; we relive the glorious days of Betamax and share our contrasting pre-wedding preparations; my infamous...

Send a text In which I reflect on one whole year of a global pandemic; I fail miserably to fold my shopping bags; I confess to having no clue what a sourdough starter is; there is a bit too bloody much whatabouttery; we discuss the lost art of darning socks and the relative merits of hairy toes; once again, my cat is a total dick; and I look forward to my 15th wedding anniversary and share some of...

Send a text In which I reflect upon the awful events surrounding the murder of Sarah Everard, and the outpouring of appalled grief as women everywhere have felt able to share their experiences of sexual harassment and abuse at the hands of men; I get overexcited about going for a walk; everyone goes back to school and I say a massive thank you to teachers; Jamie is a little bit of a ****ing liabil...

Send a text In which it is fucking freezing; I panic that I've broken lockdown laws, and propose a "collab" with KSI; part of my body gives up on me; Mr IKINTST and I achieve #couplegoals; in a family personal best, nobody licks the dentist; Jamie fails miserably in his application for the GBBO and startles the Ocado driver; my dad alarms his neighbours; I lose my shit at the Govern...

Send a text In which we reflect upon a bonkers week; my children are deeply disappointed in the Government's choice of priorities for their roadmap out of lockdown; I brace myself for a return to the school run and the challenge of getting Jamie dressed in anything other than a duvet; my car is in for an unpleasant surprise; and we book a trip to the dentist..... in honour of which I take a t...

Send a text In which my cat is an utter dick; I reminisce over McDonalds parties in the 1980s and we go on a Grand Day Out; my tumble dryer is also a dick; my oldest friend brings out a book and it is just WONDERFUL; I go on a walk and sound like a sex pest; Beth plans a funeral; Jamie has a terrifying midnight encounter; and I explain why you might want to avoid our toilets if you're plannin...

Send a text In which lockdown hits hard; I buy a ****ing spiraliser; I also buy a shit load of flour; we discuss how it's really quite horribly tough right now; I reminisce over some of my more random lockdown purchases; poor Jamie has a run in with some nose pore strips; I am a total dick in pursuit of beauty perfection; I contemplate making Christmas dinner in a bikini and share my gravy-ma...

Send a text In which the end of Dry January hits me hard, and I share details of hangovers I have known and loved; reminisce over the most middle class drinking session ever; discuss why Blue Curacao and Cointreau are Very Bad Things; demonstrate the world's worst seduction technique; share the drinking moment from my student days that I still feel deep-seated guilt over now; get absolutely l...

Send a text In which I piss myself laughing at my series of utter DIY **** ups over the years. Including my complete, total and abject failure to mend my dishwasher; the reasons why you shouldn't trust my dad to mend your plumbing (it's clearly a family trait); the worst way to mend a toilet door, ever; the relative merits of Naked Painting; and why Mr IKINTST is unlikely to leave me alo...

Send a text In which I attempt to get to grips with home learning (and fail utterly ****ing miserably); I convince myself that I am a DIY genius and prove all the reasons why you should never attempt to repair your own dishwasher; my children are left in no doubt as to all the reasons why I never made it as a teacher; we compare the parallels between getting Jamie out of bed on time, and herding c...

Send a text In which we chat about just how ****ing tough things are right now, and about how it really is okay not to be okay; I share the little things recently which have made me smile; I also share the reasons that you should never take Beth to watch any live theatre; Jamie mortifies himself in public; and I share my Top Three Poo Stories Of All Time. Probably not one to listen to while eating...

Send a text In which I get a new desk; my dishwasher is still a dick; as am I, for even thinking about attempting Dry January; I prove that it's not only Covid that can go viral (see what I did there!); home education nearly breaks me, and no doubt every other parent out there; I have a Grand Day Out... to the Covid test centre; we purchase a virtual reality headset and Jamie makes me laugh u...

Send a text In which it's that weird period between Christmas and New Year and no one has a ****ing clue what day the bins go out; I wear elasticated waistbands and eat my body weight in carbohydrates; Beth finds out the truth about Father Christmas through nefarious means; Father Christmas has some "feedback" for Jamie; I share my very unpopular view on one particular Christmas fil...

Send a text In which I reflect on just what an absolute sh*tshow of a year 2020 has turned out to be; I contemplate writing Covid: The Musical; I fail absolutely miserably to wrap any of the presents I promised myself I was going to make a start on two weeks ago (I LIED!); and there is a general reminder to, right now, please, all of us... be kind to, and look after ourselves. Because 2020 really...

Send a text In which 2020 almost gets the better of me in the most ridiculously batshit and exhausting week; my household appliances are dicks (standard); Jamie tells me more about YouTubers than I have ever wanted to know, ever; I FINALLY give blood; I recall all the reasons why I will never be going on a rollercoaster again, ever; I am euphoric to be freezing my tits off on the side of a footbal...

Send a text In which Beth declares she is an Independent Woman; we get a letter home from school; I have the most bonkers start to a Sunday imaginable; and I discover that "traditional" is so last year when it comes to Christmas jumper designs... Plus a reminder to all parents of small children about the reasons they should categorically not feel guilty. And a guest appearance from Sandw...

Send a text In which I share some of my very favourite highlights of my total lack of coordination whatsoever, including The Worst Parking Ever, and all of the reasons why you shouldn't try and dance a can-can while wearing a basque. Plus, my cats are dicks... I'm sharing a bit of love for all of the small businesses out there... and we discover the reasons why Jamie probably won't...

Send a text In which I recall, in graphic and lurid detail, the spectacular moment from this week when four pints of rotting and fetid milk exploded around my kitchen. To be accompanied by a dead rat the size of my forearm, obvs. Also featuring the true secret behind my dining room table; why it's so okay not to be okay; the reasons I think it's highly unlikely Jamie will ever become a v...

Send a text And mine is a time filled with discussions on the relative merits of assorted STDs. In which I discover the real reason Jamie is so keen to get out of the house on a walk; I recall the true horrors of Washing Machine Boy; I am exceedingly open about just how excruciatingly tough I found the early years of parenting, and why I believe we all find our time; and my dishwasher is an utter...

Send a text In which I attempt to keep on smiling through the shitstorm which is 2020 by sharing a few of my favourite things. Including my cats' most dickish moments from the last seven days; why all household objects are essentially twats; the Christmas side dish Beth is most hopeful of (it's never going to happen); and why being kind to yourself right now is probably the greatest thin...

Send a text In which I get thoroughly upset about the fact that the people running our country appear to think it is more important that young children can recognise a fronted adverbial than it is for them to have food when they're hungry; Beth terrorises the Ocado man; I talk a lot about why you shouldn't let glitter covered pinecones make you feel like shit; and we have a general remin...

Send a text In which absolutely bloody everyone has a birthday. Featuring all the reasons you should never try and make tiling out of marzipan; why greengrocers' stalls feature in my nightmares; and the truth about who actually ate the marzipan poo...

Send a text Ah, school run, how I've missed you. Not. In which I share some of my "favourite" school run memories: including why The Right Sort Of Carrier Bag is a food tech essential; why water bottles are absolute dicks; and the utterly mortifying tale of possibly my most legendary school run appearance of all...

Send a text In which I share my thoughts, musings and experiences of the deeply flawed engineering feat which is childbirth. Including all the reasons why giving birth is not as similar to sitting my GCSEs as I thought it might be; why your hospital bag probably shouldn't look as though you've just packed to go on a two week long haul holiday; and I discuss the correct etiquette for maki...