Hard Choices

Avast, my hearties. It's time to hoist the colors and set sail for an experience that Talk Like a Pirate day really didn't prepare us for. This is Hard Choices, the podcast that ranks the fuckability of fictional characters looking for the zenith, median, and nadir in a given universe, but really, it's about all the timbers we shivered along the way. This month, we're plunging our swords into Our...

We at Hard Choices like to think we have our fingers on the throbbing pulse of pop culture, so when Baldur's Gate 3  won just about every Game of the Year award purely out of how horny it made everyone, we knew we couldn't pass up the opportunity to explore the delicious nooks and sweaty crannies of the Sword Coast through the lens of this groundbreaking, bed-shaking trilogy. Join Dan, Maq, Miles,...

NOTE: You want a calendar with shirtless Irish farmers on it? Naturally, you do. Throw $4.20 at Hard Choices and get entered to win one of these three perfect pieces of useful wall art. It was just another quiet day in the Soul Society until Hard Choices rolled up, ready to find out exactly how much reishi everyone has under those robes! Kurotsuchi probably already knows the answer to that questio...

Big government isn't sexy. But small government? Local government? That government where you can get right up close and see the process unfolding. That government where you can run into your city councilor at the gym? Or at the local liquor store? Or trying to bribe a raccoon for votes? That's the kinda government you can get down and dirty with. This month, Hard Choices visits the recent past wit...

Hard Choices swept through all of the 80's cartoons you know and love to select the cream of the crop (and Allo from Dinosaucers) to make sure that this episode is peak after peak. You can expect Big Feels aplenty from Hub, Annie Craton, Meganbob, and host, Kris Newton, as they get vocal about Cobra Commander, Master Splinter, Gadget, and Krang. Never has a group of characters cried out so powerfu...

On September 3rd, 2023, four plucky perverts disappeared into the depths of the Internet while recording a podcast about their yearning to fuck cryptids. One month later, their audio was found. (Then, the editor spent three weeks making it listenable. Two of the hosts were sick and the other two were sharing a microphone, so there are probably some errant thumps and sniffles, but let's not speak i...

Can something be simultaneously wholesome, horny, and hilarious? Only if you're the Hard Choices podcast. Hard Choices looks at the bedroom skill of fictional characters and asks "how good is the sex and what is it like?" What does that sound like as a podcast? Buddy, this trailer takes you through some highest highs and most unbelievable lows of ranking the f*ckability of fictional characters. If...

If Shakespeare were alive today, he would have a podcast. What kind, you ask? I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it would feature iambic pentameter, stirring monologues, wall-to-wall dirty jokes, and flexible attitudes towards sex and gender. Holy shit, is MeganBob Shakespeare?! Maybe so, because all of those things appear in this Hard Choices episode about the works of the Bard! Lend us your ears...

We have a date and time for our Rose City Comic Con live show: Sunday, September 24th from 4-5 PM in room D135-136! Come see the show, hear us rank 80s cartoon characters, get your free gift baggie, and hang out with us!

From a dank jail cell, where they are being interrogated by the Seekers of Truth (who may end up learning more truths than they bargained for), MeganBob hosts Hard Choices: Dragon Age Edition! Hornier than a whole platoon of Qunari warriors, MeganBob is joined by Elven Ranger Annie Craton, mononymous Human Bard Maquenzie, and the very best nug in Thedas, Kit, as they plumb the depths of the Deep R...

We all know that with great power comes great responsibility. You know what else comes with great power? Us when we think about Spider-Man! It's not just Peter Parker who makes our web-shooters go  thwip , either; he's got a huge cast of friends, foes, and supporting characters to suit every taste, from monsterfucks like Venom, to adorable loser fucks like The Shocker, to the jackpot herself, Mary...

Hard Choices is coming to Portland, Oregon for Rose City Comic Con , September 22-24th! We'll pass on the information about the day and time as soon as we find out when we'll be performing. I'll update again here and on the Hard Choices social media! It's brand new and I'm still figuring some of it out, but come say hi! Twitter Instagram TikTok

In 1994, Disney's Gargoyles glided into the preteen hearts of the afternoon cartoon crowd, appealing to us in ways we wouldn't fully comprehend for years to come: its borrowings from Shakespeare, for example, and the unfamiliar yearning that Demona's loincloth made us feel. Nearly thirty years later, we are no longer children, and we have put away childish things in favor of podcasts about childis...

Chuck Jones and Mel Blanc couldn't have guessed what we'd do when we got our hands on their creations. To be honest, I'm not sure  we could have guessed either. That's the power of alcohol! Join Annie Craton, Dan Mulkerin, Kris Newton, and MeganBob for a Chungus of an episode that's full of bad choices. The takes are more explosive than a warehouse full of Acme products and the descent into drunke...

You arrive at the opulent podcast of Mr. MeganBob to find yourself surrounded by three of their most dubious acquaintances: Dan Mulkerin, Lillian Carlisle, and Kris Newton. Apparently, they've all been summoned to rank the fuckability of characters from the classic mystery board game (and cult film) Clue . However, something seems... off. These hosts are keeping secrets, and when foul play disrupt...

It's time to leave the battlefield and enter the bedroom, because this episode of Hard Choices sees our hosts visiting the wide and wild multiverse of Magic: the Gathering! We've got elves, gorgons, vampires, golems, dragons, and more--and all of them are DTF! We've drawn Claire, Dan, Kit, and Meganbob to ask: Which characters are we putting into the command zone of our boners? Which are we consig...

The Tarot! The mystery and magic of life's journey have never been so adeptly captured in any other collection of cards, except maybe Yu-Gi-Oh. In this episode, three spirits penetrate the Tarot's mystery and make some magic as they rank the fuckability of the Major Arcana. Dan Mulkerin weaves tales of infuriatingly excellent and crushingly mediocre fucks; Kris Newton, safely deceased and heedless...

Webster's dictionary defines 'median' as "a value in an ordered set of values below and above which there is an equal number of values." Webster's dictionary doesn't define 'fuckability' because Webster was a nerd. Do you know who isn't a nerd? The four guests who stepped up to tackle every single median that Hard Choices has fucked its way through. Dan Mulkerin, Kit, Zadkiel, and MeganBob round u...

Gather round, heroes, and hear tell of the largest swords, roundest orbs, and hottest dragons ever seen in the land of Krynn! Experienced adventurers Meganbob, Miles, and Dan are joined by level 1 neophyte Neal Butler--but worry not, Neal is a dirty min-maxer and has no trouble keeping up with the horny analysis all four hosts bring to this special episode. Which Hero of the Lance captures our hea...

You may escape the heart of the underworld, boy, but you will never escape the throbbing heart of horniness! In fact, this might be the horniest episode of Hard Choices ever, as Annie Craton, Claire Mulkerin, and Zadkiel join MeganBob in ranking the fuckability of the gods and legends from Hades, the roguelike from Supergiant Games. They start with the median and work their way down to the nadir,...

Attention, citizens of Gotham! We regret to inform you that the inhabitants of Arkham Asylum roam your streets tonight, and that your beloved hero Batman will not be coming to your rescue! But you know who WILL be coming? That's right, it's tonight's Hard Choices hosts! We may not have a lifetime of martial arts training and a belt full of strongly themed gadgets, but if being a hero means having...

Halloween is just Valentine's Day for monsterfuckers, and a very horny Halloween it is too! To celebrate the bounty of the season, our hosts gathered up 21 of the most hair-raising horrors ever committed to screen and ranked their fuckability using the only  hard  science that really counts.  MeganBob is joined by experienced monster-loving mavens Stella Cheeks and Lillian Carlisle, along with Kri...

It is I, the Hamburglar! Where is MeganBob? Safe and content, I assure you. True, after they plumbed the depths of their desire for commercial mascots in this episode,  I whisked them away to my personal playplace in a secluded corner of McDonaldland. But, for once, I have not played the villain -- even I cannot robble what is freely given. Still, they are indisposed, so there will be no episode d...

You know, when MeganBob suggested this episode, a lot of the other hosts thought they were joking. Not one to be discouraged, they found three erotic galaxy brains willing to make a "Rainbow Connection" with The Muppets. What on earth is going to happen when you get three impassioned Muppet fans together to try and find the median of Muppet f*ckability? Well, it goes a lot like an episode of The M...

Happy Cagemas in...Well, let's call it July overtime, shall we? Sure, it's a cynical cash-grab to double up on Cagemas by doing Cagemas in July, but we never apologize for double-stuffing here on Hard Choices. Let's be honest, we all want to talk about boning Nic Cage characters. That's just the human condition. Five of the former hosts of the Smash Fiction podcast gathered together to live the dr...