Guidance to Grow

Dear Vilomah Community, With a heart full of gratitude and reflection, I share some significant changes in my life and what they mean for our beloved podcast, Vilomah. Since 2021, I have had the honour of walking alongside you, sharing stories, advice, and comfort as we navigate the heart-wrenching journey of losing a child. This podcast was born out of a desire to reach out to parents enduring th...

The New Year is about hope and new beginnings, but for a parent who's lost a child, it's really tough. Celebrating anything feels wrong when your child isn't there. New Year's is usually a time for family and friends, but there's this big empty space without your child. In this episode of Vilomah, Jeanne van den Berg encourages parents to focus on their grief state and use the past to identify and...

Navigating the holiday season following the loss of a child can seem like an overwhelming challenge. The pressure to feel joyful during Christmas, or any similar occasion, often intensifies the sense of sorrow. So, what's the approach for managing Christmas in the absence of your child? Although it's impossible to halt the agony of mourning, establishing realistic personal expectations can help ea...

People have varied relationships with death, shaped by personal experiences and cultural backgrounds. Despite our differences, there is a universal truth that death is an inevitable part of life, and losing loved ones is a shared experience. When there has been a loss, it is important to discuss death within families openly. These conversations, though uncomfortable, play a vital role in providing...

In the pain of losing a child, a profound fear many bereaved parents share is that their child will be forgotten. While society freely celebrates children's milestones, bereaved parents often face silence or even disdain when they remember their lost child. Yet, every child, whether they lived moments or decades, has touched this world and lives forever in the hearts of their parents. In this epis...

The experience of losing a child is an unparalleled loss, frequently misconstrued by most. If you care for a grieving parent or have a connection with one, always keep in mind that even their so-called "better" days are more challenging than one could possibly grasp. Rather than offering advice, what's truly needed is compassion and love. Amidst this profound loss, I have undergone remarkable pers...

Losing a child is an indescribable tragedy that inflicts profound emotional and psychological pain upon parents. In the weeks following the death of their child, parents often experience a range of intense emotions and face numerous challenges as they navigate through their grief. In this deeply moving episode, Jeanne van den Bergh draws upon her extensive experience and offers a beacon of support...

Grief is an inescapable part of life. As human beings, we possess deep, complex, multi-faceted emotions, and it’s our responsibility to learn how we individually need to process those emotions. If you are facing a season of grief keeping a grief journal might be the answer to helping you cope with and process your feelings. In this episode of Vilomah, Jeanne van den Bergh provides guidance on how...

The death of a child of any age is a profound, difficult, and painful experience. Crying, sorrow, and anger are common emotions when dealing with death. The most obvious impact on parents is the impact of the ongoing grief and sadness of their child not being here. How do you live with the anger, the guilt, the regrets, and the grief? It's important to understand that grieving is a normal response...

One of the most surprising things about emotional trauma is how hard it can hit even the most stoic and grounded people. Physical injuries can cause a lot of pain and discomfort, but they can be measured and are to be expected after something terrible and unexpected, like a car accident. Psychological trauma, such as the death of a child, is not at all like physical trauma. It sneaks up on people...

No parent is prepared for a child's death. Parents are simply not supposed to outlive their children. It is important to remember that how long your child lived does not determine the size of your loss. The loss of a child is profound at every age. You may find that you also grieve for the hopes and dreams you had for your child, the potential that will never be realized, and the experiences you w...

Losing a loved one is one of the most significant and stressful life events that all humans must experience. Navigating grief will be different for each person but it can be really helpful to validate the sadness before trying to move through it. Affirmations are a helpful tool for dealing with intense feelings of grief and loss. An affirmation is a declaration that brings clarity to the present m...

We all have different relationships with death, shaped by our personal experiences, religious or spiritual beliefs, culture, family history and current life circumstances. The one thing we all have in common is that dying and death will be a significant part of our lives. The simple fact is that we’re all going to die, and most of us will experience losing people we love and care for during our li...

Our child’s belongings feel sacred. Letting go of them is unbearably painful. Instead, we become guardians of their possessions. We look after them as if our lives depended on it. No matter your child’s age, at some point you may well have to make this impossibly hard decision: what do I do with my child’s belongings? In this episode of Vilomah, Jeanne van den Bergh provides parents with some advi...

The relationship between a mother and her children is among the most intense in life. Much of parenting centers on providing and doing for children, even after they have grown up and left home. A child’s death robs you of the ability to carry out your parenting role as you have imagined it, as it is “supposed” to be. You may feel an overwhelming sense of failure for no longer being able to care fo...

The loss of children is a pain all bereaved parents share, and it is a degree of suffering that is impossible to grasp without experiencing it first-hand. An out-of-order death such as child loss breaks a person (especially a parent) in a way that is not fixable or solvable. We will learn to pick up the pieces and move forward, but our lives will never be the same. Every grieving parent must find...

The decision to terminate a pregnancy can be complex and may be influenced by many factors, including a woman’s values, beliefs, relationships, work and study goals, financial stability, age, existing family size and cultural background.   It is very common for women to have mixed emotions at the same time and for these feelings to change over time. Women may also experience both positive and nega...

Miscarriage is common, but that knowledge may be cold comfort if you’re coping with a recent loss. In fact, many women are surprised by the intensity of their emotions after a miscarriage. The feelings can run from shock and sadness to irrational guilt and anxiety about future pregnancies. Men, too, may struggle with feelings of loss and inadequacy. This is especially true if they’re unsure about...

When someone you love can’t get past their grief, you may feel helpless, confused, and frustrated. Witnessing someone you love experience unsuccessful grief can be deeply troubling. You may feel confused about why they are stuck in their loss and unsure about how to support them when the normal rules of grief don’t seem to apply. But their grief does not need to be permanent and by developing a be...

Grief reactions after the death of a child are similar to those after other losses. But, they are often more intense and last longer. Most people experiencing normal grief and bereavement have a period of sorrow, numbness, and even guilt and anger. Gradually these feelings ease, and it's possible to accept loss and move forward. For some people, feelings of loss are debilitating and don't improve...

With the first anniversary of your child's death on the horizon, it may be helpful for you to keep in mind that your grief may return with intensity. There are no hard and fast rules regarding grieving, and not everyone will experience intense grief at the anniversary of the death of a loved one. Being prepared for the anniversary, and being open to the feelings the event brings, can be a healing...

Christmas is a particularly difficult time for parents dealing with the loss of a child. While grief never fully goes away, there will be times when emotions are much more heightened than others, and when the sense of loss can feel greater. Christmas – the season which celebrates love and family time – is most certainly one of these occasions and as the festivities kick in, so too may your feeling...

There are two distinct time periods after a loss that can help you understand the grieving process. The first is immediately following the death when extended family, friends, and community gather. It is the time period when you are dealing with funerals and memorial services and there is lots of activity. The second is "after the casseroles are done," which describes the time when all of the food...

After a child dies, those who are left behind may experience depression, biological and neurological changes, and a destabilization of the family and marriage. The best thing that friends and loved ones of bereaved parents can do is be present, available, and supportive. In this episode of Vilomah Jeanne van den Bergh shares information on how the loss of a child affects the relationships parents...

For parents who have lost a child, it makes no sense for life to end at such a young age—particularly when the death is sudden and without warning. The loss cuts so deep, it can be suffocating. Parents who lose a child often must also contend with surviving siblings. Figuring out how to parent after losing a child is a unique challenge. In this episode of Vilomah, Jeanne van den Bergh shares infor...