Grumble Goat

Civilization is nothing more than a collection of stories. The encyclopedia is the running catalogue of tales that make up reality. But we also use fiction to relate society’s values through story. The Brothers Grimm used horror to scare morality into children, but now we prefer a softer version of fantasy for the young. Usually a tale will end in Happily Ever After; but those words leave ou...

After names, the most fundamental identity we have is age. Any news article, wanted poster, or Bumble match lists that number directly next to our moniker. Every time the sun rises through the Astrological constellation we took our first breath under, we bump that number up a digit. The anticipation is exhilarating at first, but “I can’t wait till I turn sixteen” eventually evolv...

Since the advent of cave-painting, humankind has developed a taste for a well-kept home. From the chimney sweep to Marie Kondo, we have added task upon task to the list of expected labor necessary to pass the judgement of company. These chores are often divvied in NATO-level peacekeeping negotiations; or they may be left to fate in a Showcase Showdown style Chore Wheel. But, as with any endeavor,...

From the ancient days of humankind, we have captured the beauty of the world in the form of painting. From cave-painting to pointillism, from hieroglyphics to Manga, we strive to capture perfection in art. Leonardo portrayed captivating visages of mysterious beauty; but what of ourselves. Instead of being the inspiration, can a person be the canvas? Is it possible to wear perfection on our faces?...

No animal has mastered the use of sound like Humankind has. We invented language. We invented music. We didn’t invent sonar, bats and dolphins taught that to us, but we did perfect it. Unfortunately, this innate gift of sound does not improve with volume. Humans come into this world screaming and wailing, so it’s no wonder we filled the world with an obnoxious abundance of noise. Inste...

There are few things as universally reviled in this world as the repugnant idea of taxes. The image of the tax-collector is that of a brutish thug, a member of the league of evil, sitting right between the mobster hit-man and the concert-ticket scalper. But where did this sinister visage come from? For-profit corporations take far more of our pay for ‘health insurance;’ banks charge a...

Guest grumbler: Mike Figs! Humanity currently holds the deed to the Earth. The dinosaurs once held this privilege, which they won through might; but we apes hold it now by brain-power. Our minds are capable of unlocking the cosmic roots of existence itself. The Stegosaurus had no knowledge of Saturn’s rings. The Pterodactyl did not know Pythagorus’ theorem. Our brains are capable of so...

Welcome to the first annual G.O.A.T. Awards! Awards season is upon us, and just like the Hollywood elite, the content creators at Grumble Goat also need constant positive reinforcement. Enjoy your favorite moments from Grumble Goats past while the Sorting Bucket of Randomness dictates the winners and losers. Applaud Mat and Veronique as we shower each other with G.O.A.T Awards! *Grumbles are speci...

Humankind is set apart from the rest of the Kingdom of Animals.  For instance, our thumbs are backward.  But the essence of that divide is this: animals adapt to the environment in which they live, whereas Humanity adapts the environment to suit their needs.  It’s cold in here… Fire.  The sky is wet… Roofs.  The ground is wet… Goulashes.  But what is the inspiration f...

The end is nigh.  The Fourth Horseman, Conquest, has just reared his head in Russia, joining his brothers Pestilence, Famine, and Death.  The long-prophesized curse of Climate Change that our modern science-shamans have foretold is finally manifesting in global catastrophe.  Drought and fire are cascading down the mountainsides like the Titans from Mount Olympus.  Plague ravage...

Since time immemorial, humanity has looked to its elders for sage wisdom. Crows feet carry more respect than an Ivy League varsity jacket. Uncle Iroh was a short-sighted warmonger before he wizened into the tranquil mentor of the banished Zuko. Gandalf was 2000 years old when he refused the ring of power, but a younger wizard wouldn’t have had the integrity. Age is a symbol of status, but it...

A home is a sacred concept. A healthy mind requires a safe haven that we can call our own. The very idea of violating that space haunts us in the night. Is there a demon under the bed? A monster could be hiding in the closet. What was that sound downstairs? Any number of things might intrude the psychological comfort of home, but none so much as the greatest bogeyperson of all. There exists in our...

The digital age has changed the way humankind interacts with the world. The sun is a convenient light source, but no longer do we rise and rest with its rise and set. The need to care for livestock has been replaced by the convenience of Lunchables. Human emotion has been handed over to the Netflix recommendation algorithm. And attending to the needs of affection has been delegated to the corporat...

There is, in humankind, an innate desire for exploration. We long to see what’s just over the horizon. We turn to the television to show us what Real Housewives might be doin in Miami. Instagram helps us peek through the eyes of what the Kardashians might be seeing. But it is not enough. We suffer a wanderlust. Even Belle, who loves to escape through books, wants adventure in the great, wide...

Ownership is something that humankind takes very seriously. For real estate we have deeds. For vehicles we have titles. For goods we have receipts. But some things have no entity of origin other than the sweet, nurturing Earth. If a man digs something up out of the ground, does he not own it? This premise was the basis of the California Gold Rush. Texas had an oil boom of the same nature. And Chic...

Of the many types of conflict humanity faces, the supreme first-world conflict of the modern age is Man vs. Boredom. The late 20th Century saw many entertainment advances, like the Skip-It, the Slap Bracelet, and the Nintendo Power Glove; but the main rhythm of the day was set to the TV Guide and the era of Must-See-TV. Now, in the 21st Century, a different, discordant rhythm has taken over our bo...

In ages past, on a cold and drizzly night, weary travelers might have boarded their horses and themselves at a roadside tavern for the night. The room was simple and the fare left something to be desired. You had two options: eat what’s in the kettle, or don’t eat. In modern times, fast food was fomented from the same simplicity. Burger, fries, next! But the post-modern, customer-alway...

Humanity has always longed to peek into the future. Soothsayers and shamans have long bilked the laymen with promises of hazy glimpses into tomorrow. Today we have memes comforting us with vague nonsense about this being the year of you. Always we hope for a better future, a tomorrow where we are stronger, more fulfilled, reaching goals, living our potential. But there is one day each year where w...

Back by popular demand! Veronique wants to share her favorite episode this week! From last Winter: The Winter Solstice approacheth. While the days grow shorter, we begin preparations for a long winter with everybody’s favorite, age-old, traditional celebration: complaining about Christmas music. What a magical duality this holiday has gifted us! All of us feel a moral superiority over the consumer...

Evolution has blessed humankind with innumerable cheat-codes for domination over nature. Not least of which is the power of complex communication. We can have a distinct word for every specific thing. Including each other. While every dog calls every other dog Woof, humanity can call each other by their specific word. But now that word is personal. Our name. While a rose by any other name smells a...

Guest grumbler: Gaby Labotka Any cuisinier would tell you that the most crucial aspect of any dish is proper pairing. A filet mignon on an empty plate is as appetizing as a Luna bar. As with visual art, a meal needs balance and opposition. The side-dish completes the plate as much as the cow flesh. Steak pairs with potatoes, barbeque with coleslaw, and chicken with waffles. And as with all cuisine...

Guest Grumbler: Kevin Paley In the post pandemic world we are experiencing worker shortages, soaring gas prices, and supply chain kinks which, together, invariably create the dreaded market force: Inflation. While the word means economic chaos, it originates from something far less sinister: putting air inside something. We have inflated tires, floaties, mattresses, bounce castles, life-rafts, and...

Guest Grumbler: Darius Anthony Robinson Society relies on ritual. Like putting a pine tree in our homes at the start of winter, certain rites come at specific times. To commemorate a proper raucous Saturday night, for instance, tradition requires a Sunday morning brunch. And brunch, unquestionably requires a toast – of mimosa. But no human on this planet would mistake toast for brunch. Bread...

There is much in our world to be grateful for. Air travel, edible underwear, or online quizzes to tell us which Disney villain we are, for example. There is no Thank You card large enough to express our admiration for essential workers like GrubHub delivery people or prison wardens. Therefore we have a day – a national holiday – where we can sit in the comfort of our homes and quietly...

It is the age of technology. Civilians have the ability to joyride into space. Warfare has evolved into isolated strikes by unmanned drones. At the touch of a button, food is delivered to your door, which has an electronic eye that vets the delivery man and opens itself. The world of the future is a marvel of efficiency. Science has even unlocked the ability to manipulate our DNA. But there is ano...