Green Cows Don't Fly

Well after a year of None Shows B. & Jon are going on hiatus. Time is precious and they need to devote nearly all of it to getting their comedy crime caper book, Chop, launched. But it won't be the end of Green Cows. They'll be back with a completely new show later in the year. So dry your eyes and enjoy the final eclectic mix of: Odd items appearing unexpectedly in parcels, Spectral Cats, Ins...

Just when you think things can't get any more diverse, the None Show delivers another mixed bag of randomness. Torn meniscuses, Pensioners, Post Office queues, incompetent DIY, tin baths, tadpoles and frogs. The most manic twenty minutes you'll hear on the Net this week. So get the kettle on, raid the biscuit barrel and prepare to be baffled for the penultimate time... as once more B.& Jon hol...

With B back from the Alps the Green Cows are back in the podcast studio, ready to tackle their usual eclectic mix of topics. So in no particular order we have: skiing, ice slides, video games, internet distractions, cryptic crosswords, and best of all - a behind the scenes insight of Jon's shonky production methods.. B. is available for audiobook narration, voice acting and voiceover work.as well...

Strange happenings this week, with spooky stuff aplenty. Cats keep appearing in B's coffee dregs and a sinister wraith-like alien shows up in the butter of Jon's granary bread, But that's not all because smoking, vaping, volcanoes and dodgy publishers all get dishonourable mentions too. It's another cracker and you be foolish not to listen. B. is available for audiobook narration, voice acting and...

If Armageddon were imminent, what would you pack in an emergency bag? Needless to say, Jon & B's priorities differ. One of them is more practical than the other. Can you guess who it is? And what if Bono sang Opera and not Rock? Would he need a hanky for mopping his brow between songs? These and many others are the issues occupying the Green Cows this week. You'd be mad not to listen. B. is av...

It's 2024 but that won't stop them. In this week's special New Year edition, hear how B. & Jon spent the Festive Season. Jon, by contracting Covid and B. by entertaining neighbours with a sumptuous Raclette from her native Switzerland. Of course there is the usual quota of random rambling, with insurance, dieting, horseradish and resolutions coming under the spotlight. All in all, quite perfec...

As you might expect from the award-winning duo, it's a real festive treat dealing with all things Christmas. Jingle Bells to the Roman Vomitorium and Catalonian defecating logs to bread sauce, it's got the lot. For example: did you know the traditional Japanese Christmas Dinner is now a KFC? B.& Jon read it on the Internet so needless to say, it must be true. B. is available for audiobook narr...

You know what it's like? Friends pop in to build your Bistro Set and the next thing know is you're three sheets to the wind on Elvis Juice & Prosecco. Naturally, you all get peckish so what then? Duh! Raid the freezer and produce a platter of emergency nibbles to save the day. And who would've thought as a little girl, B built a stable for her Barbie Horses complete with a tack room and a muck...

An innocent question from B asking if Jon's new Bistro Set has been assembled sees him give something of a long answer. So, is it or isn't it? There's only one way you're gonna find out. Other topics include: dodgy art, an orchestra conducting cat, food past its sell-by date and and thoughts on salad cream versus mayonnaise. B. is available for audiobook narration, voice acting and voiceover work....

The None Show Ep. 41 The Bistro Set Jon's bought a Bistro Set. Looked nice in the photo but it arrived in a very flat box. Jon's crap at DIY. Oh dear. Meanwhile, B recounts her time when she visited a tacky toilet in Turkey boasting fancy disco lights and a smoke machine... well she thinks it was a smoke machine.... but then again, Turkish food can be quite spicy. Add in glass walkways, infinity p...

It's only Rap 'n' Roll but B. & Jon don't like it. This week's episode sees Rave DJs claiming to be musicians come in for some stick. And in something of a grump fest, so too do personalised car registrations. Add to that another installment of the potentially award-winning "Gets my Goat", lock-up garages and words that are irritatingly shortened, then surely this has to be the most eclectic p...

B. and Jon cover so much ground this time it's truly breathtaking. From pop shields to sneaky pranks (thankfully before social media for Jon's sake) lonely sheep to superheroes and time travel, it's all here and once again compressed into twenty minutes of pure distilled drivel. Go on, click play. You know you'd love to. B. is available for audiobook narration, voice acting and voiceover work.as w...

In today's alliteratively titled show it's harder to imagine three more diverse subjects. Yet such is the mindset of B & Jon that no subject is off the table when they start gabbing. Add in items on the pound-dollar-cryptocurrency exchange rate, the Loch Ness Monster and extraterrestrials visiting dancing hippies in the Nevada desert, then it just might blow your mind, Daddio. B. is available...

This week's Halloween Special is all you might expect from B. & Jon. Trick or Treat, Carol Singing, ChatGPT, Cats in Babygros, Tax Avoidance Schemes, Swiss Bank Accounts and much much more. It all that doesn't scare you then mothing will. Wooooooooooooooo! B. is available for audiobook narration, voice acting and voiceover work.as well as presenting; any acting jobs really, especially if you h...

B & Jon lament how ordering a good old British toasted teacake and butter has now become more an exercise in foraging and survival rather than one of life's simple pleasures. Trying to spread yellow rock-hard ice pats on a rapidly cooling teacake is all but impossible, frequently leading to tantrums in our tea rooms. And why are the Kings & Queens of YouTube (Cats) so nonchalant and aloof?...

Plumbing new depths in disorganisation, and without any rehearsal or planning, B.& Jon introduce two new regular features to the show. A weekly comment section called: What gets Your Goat? And as if that weren't enough excitement, there's a new occasional big gameshow: Timeslip Cash Stash. The winning contestant can gamble on the relative value of their jackpot prize based in two different cen...

Marinating their customary distance several miles behind the curve and zeitgeist, this week B & Jon lift the lid on AI. What is it? Who is it? Can it write the next big blockbuster? It can certainly tell you how to book an airline ticket, but it's not so intelligent as to be able to offer a plausible reason why B's foot is turning black. And to think this is all offered to the listener for fre...

It's a question that divides opinion and one B & Jon think they've nailed. And when they weren't giving it their full attention they also pondered another: When is it too late / early to have a drink? Add in superglue that goes missing and unattended airport luggage carousels with one solitary busted and unclaimed case spinning around... then that's one helluva lot to cover in just 23 minutes,...

Imagine browsing around a junk shop.. This week B.& Jon bring you the podcasting equivalent. It's all there. What items will you pick up, turn over then haggle about the price with the owner? Snails to guineapigs to goldfish, the King of Rock 'n' Roll dying his hair with boot polish, and the whole thing rounded off by a deep dive into Facebook's Terrible Art in Charity Shops. It's audio bric-a...

In this week's stream of consciousness and off the cuff blether, B. & Jon toss a coin to see who will start the show. It's not actually a coin but that doesn't really matter. Would you like to be named after the place you were conceived? Discount supermarkets: tuna slush & massive catering packets of tea bags. All of this and amulets and talismans too (should that be talismen?). Anyway, mi...

This week sees the Green Cows hanging around toilets but not in a seedy way. Air Hand Dryers, Paper Towel Dispensers, Roller Towels and dropping sensitive electronic devices down the loo are on the menu. Also, hear how B. nearly ran over a soldier running beside a hedge in full camo gear - the soldier that is not B. Meanwhile, Jon recalls the early days of jumbo toilet roll selling and his shame o...

This week Jon's reflecting that being outside the demographic of chuggers has its benefits. Pretending to be on his phone is no longer necessary. Meanwhile, B's misty-eyed about running... before her knees went. And as if that's not enough, they discuss the lost art of knowing all the neighbours in your street, grocery delivery drivers, cats, dogs and horse whisperers. You'll not want to miss it....

You know how it is. One minute you're broadcasting to your fan, the next you're racked with excruciating pain as vicious cramp strikes completely out of the blue. It happened to Jon mid-show. But Luckily B. was there to rally round with soothing guffaws of totally unsympathetic laughter. Add to this incident, much insightful discussion on motorway services, butterflies, amusement parks, council bi...

It's quite possible B & Jon ought not to be allowed in front of mics. In this episode they muse it would be fun had lightsabers been made of Toblerone. In a duel, the loser would be the one whose lightsaber had been nibbled away, triangle-by-triangle, when getting too close to their opponent. And if that's not silly enough there are dreams about sinister posh gangster kids, footprints coming o...

B's in a quandary over Oppenheimer or Barbie and Jon's wondering when popcorn became the recognised accompaniment to UK cinema viewing. And what's become of the girl with a torch wearing a trough packed with mini ice creams and slurpy Kia Oras? Then there's the question of your kitchen gadgetry. - used daily or languishing at the back of a dark cupboard? B. is available for audiobook narration, vo...