Exquisite Suffering

We love Resident Evil, and are willing to extend it a lot of leeway. However, this entry is a bridge too far. At the height of their powers, the Resident Evil team decided to make a hybrid FPS/light gun/survival horror game on the PSX of all systems. The result is bland and muddled, even if it adds a little to Umbrella lore.

Maybe FMV games are actually good and fun? That's what we've concluded after we played Sewer Shark, with Night Trap and Contradiction in mind. Though this is the most "game-like" of the FMV games we've played, the play is no great shakes. However, the low stakes, low production value approach to video like this lends to a kind of acting and presentation that is unique to games of this vintage and...

Kole recently suffered a head injury that leads him to think really bad RPGs are just fine, so this episode is slightly contentious. Well, not really. That would be too complicated for foreign audiences, so we dumbed it down real good.

Why, oh why, did it have to be another boring 16-bit fighting game? Ultraman's storied history doesn't mean much of anything if you don't have affection for the kaiju genre. So, we quickly lose focus and talk about Gary's massage experience and the wonderful qualities of CBD.

Looking at that cover art, you probably think you can guess the general tone and arc of this episode. You'd be wrong though... Instead of talking about anime tropes that make us sigh with annoyance, we take apart a game about comedy that's not funny at all, a social sim that simulates nothing, and a wasted opportunity to make a game about platonic friendship work.

Super Pitfall is one of those classic kusoge games, covered by your video game nerds both angry and normal flavor. But it's also a super slight platformer that doesn't really have too much to talk about, so let's get right to the heart of the matter by discussing those frogs with the DSLs.

Time Slaughter is what happens when an outsider developer attempts to be as unpleasant and nasty as possible. The minds who brought us NESticle also made this parody of Mortal Kombat, complete with over the top violence, garish characters, and shitty, shitty voice acting. But mostly we talk about how we don't want to be cursed to shit bones.

It's a technically interesting footnote in survival horror, following Alone in the Dark's act with its own strange rendering technique. And it seems like it's made for us, because everything is an orb. You would  guess that Kole will be into it, while Gary will be turned off by the visuals. And you'd be right. But tune in anyway and hear the specifics about this weird, weird, weird thing.

Our patrons have backed us into a corner. While E.Y.E. is undoubtedly a weird, inscrutable mess, it's also pretty inspired, systemically interesting, and worth a deeper dive than we could ever give it in a half hour of talk. So what you get here is a hodgepodge of an episode where we praise the opening of Divine Cybermancy, then go on some kind of strange political tangent because you should expec...

Sometimes you're just not ready for this level of concentrated lameness. Claymation is inherently cool, so you have to try pretty hard to make it suck this bad. Shitty non-puns, lazy attempts at satire, and barely audacious attempts at outrage abound... and that's just us! The game is pretty bad, too.

What is there to say about yet another wrestling game? Almost nothing! That's why we cruise through the game itself and respond to lots of miscellaneous prompts from Twitter. It's a real change of pace, but really, what all is there to say about Sting?

Animorphs seems right on the edge of coming back as some kind of YA novel reboot, so we figured we'd get in on the ground floor by talking about this Pokémon clone. Let's dig real deep into the franchise that launched a thousand transformation fetishes. And if that's your thing, boy, have we got a buffet for you.

Heathcliff is a pale substitute for Garfield, so it's hard to know where to go with discussion about a terrible kart racer from the Wii shovelware era. That's why we veer pretty quickly into one of the darkest YouTube holes we've ever found.

This one is on loan from the Night Trap collection, an FMV adventure game that desperately wants the word "mind pirate" to become a thing. Let's watch as community theater rejects with bad Russian accents slowly grow more and more out of control, as hurtful stereotypes about people with intellectual disabilities slip in around the edges.

It's a boilerplate, mostly competent third person shooter that's obviously of its time, with lots of really neat arcade-style reward loops thrown in for good measure. But the real star here is the surreal, over the top trappings that could only come from the mind of the hubristic branding tycoon that is 50 Cent. Yes, this game has been beaten to death. But there's just so much here to talk about.

Discussion of an exuberant advergame from Japan gives way to all of the horrifying biological niches Pepsi and other colas might fill, creating a new, upsetting, and most of all REFRESHING way of life. All hail the new blood.

It's always a good time when we discuss religious games. Except for the feedback we get, that is. Captain Bible casts the forces of good as a traditional superpower, and the forces of The Liar as ultra-cool spider robots who make some very salient points. Join us as we play this flashcard game about arguing in bad faith.

Star Fox Adventures represents a confluence of several factors, any of which on their own would have made it fertile ground for the show. Rare? Check. Bastard entry in a beloved series? Check. Over-sexed anthro characters? Check. But we had no idea how bad it would get. Come with us on a journey to Dinosaur Planet, and into the depths of the depravity of the Star Fox fandom.

This is probably someone's favorite game. It's wacky and weird, and comes from a 32-bit era that people still look back upon fondly. But however much it reminds you of God Hand, it will never be God Hand.

There's a class of game that's regarded well simply because there's little else like it. Rising Zan is one of those. But repeat after us: novelty is not enough!

Join Gary and Kole as they frolic through Bearland, moralizing about how to be closer to God and not swear so damn much. Also: The disturbing origins of corn syrup, and the grizzly applications of combines in the bloody fields of Illinois.

In this episode we discuss a game where you play as a magical transforming ball and his Hamburger Helper companion. Your mission is to collect musical notes using the least intuitive control scheme possible, defeat the Dorito Wizard who threw you into acid, and uncover the secret to why this era of platformers fell short of its goals.

Buckle up, kids, because we're about to go on the oiliest, most musclebound, most smoke-machine laden ride of your lives. That's right: the American Gladiators are here to Eliminate your expectations of what an episode of Exquisite Suffering should be. One part coverage of the NES American Gladiators game, one part "Let's Watch" of an infamous special episode of the American Gladiators television...

Somehow we ended up playing a pretty good game! The most interesting thing about Whomp'em is its botched localization... because western audiences weren't ready for Dragon Ball yet. So, stick around for that, and two midwesterners trying to talk about their history with Native American culture without offending anyone.

Another entry in our "Classics of Bad Games" chronicles, we look at the infamous Night Trap. But it turns out that it actually has a lot of good ideas hindered by a laughable execution. Listen in for Night Trap's goofiness, and stick around for Nick at Night remembrances.