Dismantling Dysfunction

Let us paint you a picture: as an ENTJ, you try to set high standards for yourself and your team. But sometimes, it feels like your team just DOESN'T GET IT! I mean, you've given them clear instructions, right? So, when they drop the ball, you have every right just to lose it. I mean, how can they be SO clueless? Don't they realize how important this project is?! It's like they're not even trying....

Imagine this: you're an ISTJ - a natural planner who is diligent in getting things done. You have your systems, processes and routines in place and you're crushing it even when things get crazy at work. And then, out of nowhere, this pesky co-worker of yours suggests some new automated system that seems sketchy at best, that is supposed to "help everyone". You're all about keeping things as they a...

Let's paint a picture: you're an ESTJ - a born leader who always gets things done. You have a clear idea of what success looks like, and you hustle hard to make it happen. But deep down, you feel like a phony. You wonder if you're really as good as people say you are and if you're a step away from being exposed as a fraud. Oof, it's a gut-wrenching feeling, isn't it? But here's the thing: the Impo...

Have you ever had a dreadful thought that perhaps you're not as competent or talented as others think you are? Or that, despite all the blood, sweat and tears, you're not worthy of the success you've achieved, and it's just a matter of time before you're finally exposed as a fraud? If so, you're not alone. These thoughts are actually quite common and even have a name. We present to you… the Impost...

The season of love is upon us! Time to indulge in all swoon-worthy matters: heart-shaped jewellery, romantic candle-lit dinners, red roses, chocolate covered strawberries… Except your partner just texted you they will be working late tonight (likely masking their discomfort with all things 'touchy feely') but will buy you the same boring flowers they do every year; you also just realized you forgo...

It gets REALLY tiresome being around people who act like they have everything together and are above our normal, everyday human struggles, doesn't it? They do this even when everyone else is letting it all hang out and being vulnerable. These same people can't seem to stop with the insights the profound comments and try to enlighten everyone rather than just being human with them. Dear readers and...

If you have ever had that annoying conversation where you say, "Where should we go for dinner?" and your partner or friend responds, "I don't really care, wherever you pick," you'll relate with how frustrating it is to be in relationship with someone who uses the Complying Codependent strategy. These Compliers have a nasty habit of making you the boss, whether you want to be or not by always defer...

It's not uncommon for certain personalities to believe they are the smartest person in the room. But being in a relationship with someone like this is exhausting. Not surprising, those in a relationship with a Dismissing Codependent become fatigued by their arrogance, condescension and superiority. And when they try to confront it, well, the Dismissing Codependent simply disappears behind their wa...

How do you react when your friend or partner starts a conversation with: "You won't believe how stupid I am"? Trust us, we've been there too, and our first reaction is to jump in and affirm them that they are great, intelligent, wonderful and definitely not stupid. Negative self-talk is one of the most common strategies of people who suffer from the Devaluing Codependent Dysfunction. This disarmin...

We all like to place blame for things that go wrong in our lives – the public transit being late on your morning commute, your employee who didn't finish a report in time, a partner that doesn't pull their weight in the relationship, and sometimes… even ourselves. If you use the Personalizing Codependent Strategy, "it must have something to do with me!" is likely your daily mantra. Personalizing C...

" OMG, I hate this time of year. The gift giving is so stressful, I never have enough time to prepare properly, my family is insane, and I feel like such a disappointment! HELP! ". If you have a holiday script like the one above, you are likely on your way to creating anxiety and misery for yourself. Winding ourselves up with "not enough" thoughts and "I'm so stressed" exclamations every 15 minute...

Snow is falling, the fireplace is crackling, and the turkey is slowly roasting in the oven while you sip from your mug of hot chocolate, surrounded by your loving family. Idyllic, isn't it? We wish! In reality, most of us get overwhelmed the minute we arrive at family gatherings: we overeat, overdrink, and spend time trying to get the approval and love that we never quite feel we got as children....

Have you noticed how often people tell you your problem is insignificant because it's a first world problem?  Maybe others say this to you or you're thinking – OMG, I say that all the time. Without realizing it, we are invalidating the experiences of others or having our feelings invalidated when we are seeking empathy. It's called emotional invalidation and we use it when we can't tolerate what w...

" I don't know what my family would do without me. I cook, clean, organize and make sure everyone gets out of the house on time. I find interesting articles that I know each of my kids and partner needs to read because if I didn't, why they wouldn't have a clue about themselves, how to behave, or what's going on in the world. The other day, I had to remind my son who is 25 years old to take the lu...

Did you know that the bossy, selfish friend or partner you always complain about is likely codependent? If you answered no, you aren't alone. People who use dominant codependent behaviours, especially controlling behaviors, look the same and act the same as narcissistic people at times. That's because we don't give them the same empathy or compassion as "nice" submissive codependents. Instead, mos...

Does this sound familiar? Despite doing all you can to hold your relationship together, and everything you've sacrificed to make it work, it's still dysfunctional and you're still miserable. The more you try to "fix" your partner or figure out new ways of approaching them to change their behavior, the worse it gets. Frustrating, isn't it? That's because while we try to rescue our partner, child or...

Narcissists aren't the only people who are manipulative. It's a primary Codependent Strategy used to control and dominate in a codependent relationship. The use of indirect communication and manipulation to get their own way, including pouting, guilting, becoming outraged or indignant, devaluing and gaslighting to name a few tactics make the other person submit because they feel so bad about thems...

Would you consider yourself codependent? When asked that question, some people will say yes, and others will say, no, but I think my partner is. Most of the time we equate Codependency with a clingy, needy person who takes a lot of abuse from their partner, boss, children, and friends. We may think of Codependency as the peacekeeper in relationships, putting needs aside and taking care of others o...

Some people identify as procrastinators, some as perfectionists. And still, others - as risk averse. These proclamations are usually made when someone is asked to do something that feels scary or out of their comfort zone. They expect others to simply accept that this is who they are and to respect their "boundaries" despite the commitments they may have made. These same people feel powerless to d...

We are sure most people would agree that it's absolutely horrifying when competent and accomplished adults resort to childish behavior, like having temper tantrums, sulking, pretending nothing is their fault, or shifting the blame to others for their mistakes, to name a few. Yet we all do it - and don't think for a moment you don't! All of us can abdicate responsibility or blame others in situatio...

If there is anyone in your life who tends to agree with you when you know they disagree, you're acquainted with the Prostitute Archetype (before you say anything – as you likely got caught off guard after reading that - when we talk about the Prostitute Archetype it's NOT related to sex!). People using this Archetype believe it's a whole lot safer if they just keep their mouths shut. It's true tha...

We all know people who always seem to be victims of someone or some situation. People who blame others when disappointing or frustrating things happen to them or even when they make a mistake. They don't discriminate and will blame their boss, peers, direct reports, family, partner, children - anyone is subject to their ability to spin a story to make it look like they are the victims while they i...

Complain, complain, complain... We hear an endless myriad of complaints these days from leaders who believe that disengagement, lack of quality, poor work ethic, and entitled behaviors are the employee's fault, and they have no power to do anything about it. When and why did leaders become so disempowered? It seems that leadership powerlessness may have slowly crept in over the last decade on the...

Why is it that leaders keep themselves so busy that they don't have time to deal with their people? And why, despite their position of power, do leaders struggle with asserting their authority and managing the performance of their employees? It is all too common for employees to bring their personal issues to work with the expectation that their boss will take special care of them. This form of em...

In today's workplaces, accountability has become part of a leader's role they increasingly avoid.  They avoid difficult conversations, let employees miss deadlines and waste precious time and resources, all to the detriment of the organization. Impulsiveness, entitlement and emotions which create more drama than results are no longer held in check by leaders who are supposed to be managing and dev...