Direct To Video

It's late and we're punchy. Our conversation goes from Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Dark Side of Dimensions to fears to which one of us will kill the other. Everything you want in an episode of any podcast. Important questions: What do Yugioh characters do when faced with enemies that don't care about card games? Is Andy more afraid of clowns or heights? Who is Carl Doody? Keep an ear out for Tony waxing poetic...

Do you want high adventure!? Then come with us as we sail through the seas/stars, battle pirates/space pirates, and find treasures untold! And also fight. Like for real. Important questions: Can a poor story be redeemed by fantastic visuals/Tim Curry? Do Muppets lets their jokes go on for too long? Is Long John Silver better as a cyborg? Keep an ear out for Andy and Tony getting off track almost a...

Andy and Tony, having spent eight hours talking about Beauty and the Beast together, move onto less controversial topics. Like what the McElroys are up to. Important questions: Do people like listening to us talk about McElroy Shows? Are the Fast and Furious movies good? Is high school just the worst? Keep an ear out for Tony's croaking sick voice and Andy wishing for some good monster-fighting me...

Andy and Tony, at long last, stop talking about Beauty and the Beast, and start talking about what's important: chasing that sweet high you can only get from that good good misty. Important questions: What is horse therapy? Would Beyoncé be a good Rafiki? Which one vapes? Keep an ear out for Tony getting mad about The Lion King while Andy extols the virtues of Donald Glover. Our outro music is The...

Y'all remember those sweet, sweet beast lips? All red and full and such? We remember. Important questions: What was Gaston's childhood like? How long has the curse been upon the town? Would Ghostbusters have been a better received movie if it had a different name? Keep an ear out for Andy trying to make a point about remakes while Tony, bafflingly, keeps interrupting him for no reason. Our outro m...

We continue to talk Beauty and the Beast, but go off on some of our patented Direct to Video tangents! So there's a little more breathing room. Important questions: What is the point of a live action remake? Is there originality in Hollywood? How do movies treat or mistreat gay people? Keep an ear out for Tony loudly hating Cinderella while Andy tries to remember Sulu's name. Our outro music is Th...

Some day, in some far off time and place, we will finally stop talking about Beauty and the Beast. In the meantime, why don't we talk about witches, abusive fathers, and new songs? Eh? Eh? Yeah, let's do that. Important questions: Did Agatha change the rules? Is Beast the protagonist of this movie? When will Andy and Tony talk about something else? (Not for like another hour. There, that one's fre...

Remember that time we talked about Beauty and the Beast for six hours? We promise we won't talk about the new live action movie for that long. But we do have opinions. Important questions: What was the first blockbuster? What existential and body horror elements are in the new Beauty and the Beast movie? Is Gaston still a good villain if he's just kind of a jerk? Keep an ear out for Tony talking a...

Millenials, man. Spending their money on video games instead of napkins. Building their rip-off death stars. Refusing to write a third example in their podcast description. Important Questions: When was the last time you experienced something that completely and wholly appealed to you? Why does sci-fi have so much bad dialogue? Why is this episode missing quality editing? Keep an ear out for Tony...

Picture living on a planet that is so close to other planets, you can look up and see life developing on them. Just think about that for a second. We did. Important questions: Why didn't we spend this whole time talking about seven newly discovered Earth-like planets? How did we miss Mark Hamill? Is there a good novelization? Keep an ear out for Tony doing visual gags while Andy talks about killin...

It is with both excitement and pain that we present you with this, our magnum opus. We were doomed to peak so early. What started as a way to coincide our podcast release with the release of the new Beauty and the Beast live action movie became so much more. It became six hours of our lives. Plus time for editing. There's a lot of podcast in this one. Pace yourself. Important questions: What vario...

Not-for-real episode this week, but you'll like what's there if you're a fan of two people tearing into problematic plot points. And if you don't...I'm not sure why you're listening to us? Our outro music is Theme from Penguins on Parade by Lee Rosevere. Find us on twitter! Andy is @royalty_valens Tony is @theaterbats

This week, we get real. We talk about various forms of art and their power over both the consumer and the artist. We talk about how growth and change can mean abandoning a certain definition of yourself. We talk about Wolf Quest again. Important questions: What constitutes a masterpiece? Should you abandon important things for other important things? Will we ever stop talking about other people's...

Batman and the McElroy brothers are our most common talking points, possibly behind Star Wars and casual racism. So this will be, if nothing else, a comfortably familiar episode for our listeners. Important questions: Is Batman too damn emo? Should you watch Batman Forever? Can you call the Knights Templar? Keep and ear out for Andy and Tony both subtly angling to become Lin Manuel Miranda's best...

Join your hosts as they hastily record a podcast episode in the middle of the night, with spotty Internet, one of them from a car. This is the glamorous world of podcasting. Important questions: What does a poorly run pet hotel look like? How do you burn some bridges? How does Andy record his half of the podcast? Keep an ear out for Tony actually adding something in post while Andy slowly freezes...

Remember last week, when Tony got really unnecessarily worked up about bears? WELL NOW YOU'LL KNOW WHY. Join us as we venture into the deep past, to a time when the mammoths still roamed these lands, to hear a the completely boring and pretty pointless pair of stories. Woo. Important Questions: How many older Disney movies did these films straight-up steal from? How gross is it to watch a woman an...

In our first review of a non-Disney movie, we fall into the pit of despair and misrepresentation that is Balto and Balto 2. On the other hand, that does mean we have a podcast episode titled "Wolf Quest," so that's pretty cool. Important questions: Why do we talk about race relations so often? Why did they make Balto half wolf? Why do bears keep popping up in these movies? Who is Wolf Jesus? Keep...

We can only assume that if you're still listening to this podcast then you really love hearing us talk about race and Star Wars. Well DO WE HAVE AN EPISODE FOR YOU! Important questions: How removed is the wizarding community from their non-magical counterparts? How do you write a story that people like without knowing why? Who Finn gon' fuck? Keep an ear out for Tony almost but not quite bursting...

That's enough controversial opinions on Batman movies. This week, we talk about how bad Suicide Squad was, which leads to us talking about video game portrayals versus movies, and then historical figures because why not. Important questions: What city did the original Assassin's Creed game take place in? What was the last decent portrayal of Harley Quinn? Are there too many white guys in video gam...

We all remember when Andy decided he wanted the wrath of the Internet to rain down on him by claiming The Prisoner of Azkaban was the best Harry Potter Movie. Well now it's Tony's turn, as he rants ad nauseum about Nolan's Batman trilogy. Important questions: What does everyone know about Batman? Why was Batman v Superman so bad? How do you pronounce "Ra's al Ghul?" Keep an ear out for Andy sighin...

That's enough double-length Rogue One talk for us! Time to get down to the nitty gritty! Time for that REAL TALK that you all listen for. Important questions: Is Disney beginning a new Renaissance? What are Tony and Andy's eating habits? What is art? Keep an ear out for Andy disliking Frozen for some reason while Tony enjoys five seconds of silence. Our outro music is Theme from Penguins on Parade...

Hello, Internet! We have STAR WARS OPINIONS. That's right. Everybody sit down, prepare for some serious spoilers, and listen to us argue about whether or not puns are good characterization. Important questions: Why is Alan Tudyk in every episode of this podcast now? Is the force a religion? Why isn't this a regular Direct to Video episode? Keep an ear out for Andy getting the heebie-jeebies from a...

My dear sister, I have assured that no one will be listening to this podcast by staging a violent disagreement with my co-host in our last episode. The audio file you will find here was meant only for your ears. However, since I know our enemies may always be listening, I have coded your message between talks of even more Unfortunate Events, Jessica Jones, Jack London's writing style, and an unlik...

Dear Listener, No doubt you have chosen to listen to this podcast under the impression that it portrays two friends having a lively discussion about something pleasant, like penguins, or those little balls they put in bingo machines. This is not the case. In the almost thirty minutes that this podcast lasts, its hosts talk of such miserable things as child actors, Alan Tudyk, movie directors, and...

Are you ready for a good old-fashioned down home country good time? Then have we got a movie for you! Join Andy, Tony, and dog-Patrick Swayze as they wash the bittersweet taste of the first movie out of their mouths with literally the same song sung three times in the same movie. Not counting credits. Important questions: Bears: too terrifying? Are there any two characters that Andy won't mix up?...