Dear Pod,

Have you guys ever met my STEPDAD? He's alright. Smells a little bit like pickles but he makes my Mom happy. I saw a dirty movie the other day where a stepdad made is wife happy, his stepdaughter elated and his stepson confused. Movies are powerful. They make you think.

OK. Once and for all. Can someone please answer this question I have when boarding an AIRPLANE? If the person in front of me weighs 400 pounds, why I am paying extra for my luggage when it's only three pounds over weight? I'll never understand. SAFETY PROCEDURE: If this episode of DEAR POD hits turbulence, you will find a floating device under your seat and mini bottles of booze will fall from abo...

Do me a favor. I've been on hold with EZPass for the last forty-five minutes. Can you GRAB that BAG for me? I think I've got some old crowns for my teeth in there and a TV set that I stole from my grandparents. Intrigued yet. Well, grab a cocktail and get comfortable.

This week we offer a necessity in each and everyone's life on this planet. TOILETS & TOILET PAPER. That's right. Not since the Summit talks of our great leaders has there been a topic more vital, important & flushable. Now stand or sit. It's your choice. Just remember to wipe back to front while listening. It's more sanitary that way.

Let's just call them as we see them. SLUTS, TRAMPS & WHORES. We are not only including our two sexy hosts in this category but anyone who has gone through a very "randy" period in their life. Ohhhh, get out the good china, cause I am feeling dishy for this week's episode!

This episode is going to the dogs. HOT DOGS to be exact. Wow. Week after week we dive into the topics that are at the cutting edge. How do we do it? Maybe next week we'll talk about...dare I say...Cheese. Maybe not. Too risky. We don't want to be canceled.

This might be the most delicious episode yet because today we are serving CAKE. That's right. The buttercream is spread, the candles are placed and we are bringing you a three tiered dessert showpiece of vanilla and chocolate goodness. Let's dig into this weeks slice of knowledge and complaining.

GUEST ALERT!!! Batten down the hatches because we are wrapping up Gay Pride Month celebrating: LESBIANS, Blanche. LESBIANS! And who better to be this years Grand Marshal for the DEAR POD PRIDE PARADE, than comedian and special guest, LIZ GLAZER. Get out your self help books and decaffeinated teas. The red light is blinking and we are on the air!

What a beautiful summer day for a GRAB BAG. From prescription drugs to Chatty Kathy's in line, we are all over the place today. Let's not waste a minute's time. If you're lost, just drive up to that house, blow you horn and ask which is the fastest route to Dear Pod?

Get ready to Hock a Loogie, because today we are being completely gross and SPITTING our way through this episode. Why do baseball players spit throughout their games? Why does Grandma use the spittoon? If you think we have the answers to these questions...well...are you in for a surprise. Put on your rain gear, this one is going to be slippery.

Shhhh. Try not to wake her up. Any minute now Erin will be SLEEP TALKING and it will be the funniest/most terrifying thing you'll experience all month. Do people really spill hidden secrets when they're running off at the mouth at the same time they're in La La Land? Grab your favorite pillow and some Sleepy-Time Tea as we count sheep during this week's adventure.

It's time to pull off the highway and find the nearest HOTEL or MOTEL to stay in. Because I can't keep my eyes open anymore. This week we'll attempt to figure out how much we should tip the maid staff and how to convince our spouses that the random two hour room charge from that motel was just a business expense so my secretary can do some necessary dictation. Let's invade the mini bar and get thi...

GUEST ALERT!!! All hell has broken loose. Jules has kicked Erin and Patty out of the Maha'a Tiki Lounge for the day and has taken over the airways. Because, this week, we are celebrating THE MOTH REPORT! Grab your sugary dessert wine and Krispy Kreme donut as we laugh with the "Merry Maker" from Arlington, MA. MOTH is in the house and she has a lot to say. God Help Us All.

Start writing your alibi's because we've got all the evidence to lock you up for MURDER. Let them dust for fingerprints all over The Maha'a Tiki Lounge. There is no way that they can lock us up for killing you with laughter. Wait. Has anyone laughed at this show yet?

Hey, Man. Have you seen my friend Kelly? I meant Millie. No, That's not it. Does the name Pam ring a bell? Crap. I'm just trying to buy some DRUGS. That's right. We're getting brave and getting our fix from our local dealer and toking our way into this weeks episode. We've got bags of pretzels and chocolate. Now, bring on the munchies. MOLLY! That's it! I need, I mean, I'm looking for Molly!

OK. Let's not make a big thing about this. Jules looks a bit burnt out and it seems he fell asleep on the mixing board. Let's just make it easy on him and do a GRAB BAG this week. No, no , no. Don't wake him. I'm sure I can figure out for myself how this recording type device works. Oh yeah. By the way: HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, EVERYONE! DEAR POD IS THREE YEARS OLD! Oh crap. I think I just woke him up.

There is not enough ibuprofen or water in the world that will help me recovery from that BACHELOR PARTY last night. This week we are doing lines, I'm mean, drawing lines in the sand to find out what really goes on during these debauchery, filled evenings. We may look great going in, but by the time this episode is over, there will be dried up vomit on our shirts and at least three chipped teeth. B...

(knocking on bathroom door) Hey you! Dear Pod Listener! What are you doing in that bathroom for so long? You better not be looking at DIRTY MAGAZINES, because we are about to start the show. Just come out of there, hide the magazines under your bed or that secret hole behind the wall and get in here. OK. The show is starting. By the way, you should tell me where you hid them You know. Just in case...

Where's the Best Man? Is he still at the bar drinking? If he has lost those WEDDING RINGS, I am going to kill him. Some people won't wear them. Others can't take them off of their fat, fingered hands. One thing we have learned though, people will still hit on you even if you're wearing one. And THAT means...I.Still. Got. It!

Lock up the liquor cabinet and hide the cash. God only knows what the BABYSITTER is doing when we're not there. For all we know, she's let them running around the house in their birthday suits. Listen. I am paying you seventy five cents an hour. I expect the height of professionalism and nothing less. Now get those kids to bed and wash my car!

Bless us Father, for we are about to sin. You see, we have a silly podcast where we read the letters of Ann Landers and Dear Abby. Most of the time, things get saucy. Today, we will be talking about PRIESTS. Why don't you go ahead and gather the nuns around the radio. Pour everyone an extra tall glass of church wine and pray that we won't burn in hell after today's episode. AMEN.

Wait! Is that someone at the front door? Who is that? Why, it's a little girl in green! Next to Christmas, today is the happiest day of the year. It is GIRL SCOUT COOKIE delivery day! Brew the coffee. Send the kids away. Open the box of Samoas and let's start this week's frivolity. With chocolate and coconut, of course!

Get out the spackle and trowel because today we are beating our faces Yup. We're talkin' MAKEUP & COSMETICS. So, sharpen up that pencil because we are drawing a nice, heavy line around the lip of this episode before we fill it in with "You Look Like A Whore" lipstick. Happy St. Paddy's Day, Everybody!

Whaddya say we hop in a plane with a pocketful of cash and head to Vegas? I don't know about you, but I can sure use some LUCK in my life right about now. Whether you need it professionally or personally, let's all head on over to the "Crap Table Of Life" and double down on how funny we think this weeks episode will be. No sevens! No sevens! No sevens!

Have you look outside lately? The weather can't make up it's mind and neither could we. So, this week we're throwing a GRAB BAG your way. The menu is full. We're talking exotic foods, massage parlors, postcards and a visit from Moth. Pour yourself a Shasta, listen to us in you car and try not to fall asleep.