Coming Up for Air — A Toolkit to Help with Your Loved One's Recovery from Addiction & Mental Illness

Enmeshment is a blurring of the boundaries between people. How the other person feels affects you intensely. Enmeshment is one-way -- your thoughts, feelings, and choices are about the other person's well-being. Countering enmeshment means checking in with ourselves, calming our systems down, taking pauses, and allowing the other person the dignity of their own process. You can learn to listen...

What questions should you ask, and what plans should you make if your loved one is coming home? Dominique and Kayla discuss a family's question about a new living situation.

What’s the impact of emotions on how we interact with loved ones? Learn to acknowledge, claim, and identify your emotions. Don’t discuss anything when you’re reactive. Instead, pause, check in with your feelings, and don’t take things personally. Have a strategy that’s not confrontational or accusing, but engaging. Calm your system, and engage in a way that you can feel good about. Hopefully this...

When the noise dissipates and there's clarity, that's an "ah-ha moment." You can move forward in a different way. You might even find new commitment to a way of thinking or behaving that you didn't have access to before. Allies in Recovery uses CRAFT to give you the tool set for your own ah-ha moments, but also to help create the conditions for your loved one to find their ow...

When you’re in the middle of crisis, feeling reactive or uncertain about what to do, use the “three questions” to helps create space and time and take the best action. What am I feeling? What can I do about it (think as broadly as possible)? What am I actually gonna do? Kayla likes to consider a fourth: What’s happening that’s making me feel this way?

Just before change happens with your loved one, things often get chaotic. Know that it's small, consistent differences over time that create such change. Learn to avoid reactivity and embrace gentle, subtle change -- starting with yourself.

We're all interconnected. The most effective way to help someone with substance use disorder is helping their family. Work on yourself and your communication as a family member, and the odds of your loved one seeking help increase dramatically. Get informed, and learn the tools -- become a transformation agent.

Treatment and recovery are not black-and-white ideas. With CRAFT, it's a matter of progress, not perfection. We want our loved ones to heal, to get their lives back. But change happens over time, and there are many ways to get there. Notice what's good, and work on the relationship. Treatment is how you engage them and help them learn what they like and enjoy it again. Be part of the joy,...

It's important to use the AIR community and local and state organizations to help you find housing resources and be a knowledgeable advocate. Offer those resources without pressure, for when your loved one chooses to take them, but also know: having a loved one without a home is one of the most difficult and triggering experiences you may face.

AIR is an applied version of the original CRAFT research. It focuses on the family as the center of a system which also includes the AIR community, and as integral to the healing of the person with substance use disorder. You get help any time, online and in groups. AIR also focuses on cultural competency, helping you individualize the methods in a way that works for your family. CRAFT is a way of...

Though CRAFT is often used in parent-child or other relationships, its powerful tools work extremely well for couples, too. Learn how and why that's true.

The goal of CRAFT may be getting your loved one into treatment, but no matter the possible success of treatment, CRAFT tools and communication skills are a life-long practice and process of learning about yourself and your reactions, and becoming part of your loved one's treatment. There's always more to learn.

Kathleen Cochran is a founder of Heart of a Warrior Woman and Facebook group Moms for All Paths to Recovery (MAP), places for mothers of children struggling with substance use disorder. Cochran practices harm reduction and supports individualized paths to recovery. Hear more about her story.

A listener writes in to ask what to do when there's only 15 minutes a day to talk to a loved one. How do you use that limited time? If they're using, you have to focus on the brief moments when you find they aren't, and be very specific in your requests so that they're do-able. If they aren't using, be patient, invite them to do things in a low-stakes way, and don't push co...

Working with people who aren’t yet on-board with CRAFT? Learn the tools, and engage with the site, the podcast, and the groups. Put it into practice, even if you’re doing so alone. Look for chances to show the material to someone who’s reluctant – teaching the tools will mean you learn more thoroughly yourself. There are two big benefits to solo action. Primarily, your loved one might get into tre...

Our hosts examine two questions raised by last week's "functional analysis" episode: how do I know when my loved one is using? And what if they're using all the time? It's behaviors that matter more than whether you're exactly right -- learn to practice close observation, step forward when it feels good and they're doing well, and step back when something feels bad or...

The “functional analysis” of Module 3 is a powerful tool that helps you examine what happens around times of use, and move from reacting unconsciously to gaining a fuller understanding that allows for concious choices. So stop, take the time to go through this process, and think about incremental shifts. And it’s important to do it again later, when there’s been time for behavior to change over ti...

Behavioral health trainer and consultant in Evidence Based Practices, Cultural Considerations, and Ethical Issues Brian Serna has taken CRAFT's practical applications quite far. He visits the Coming Up for AIR team to discuss his work with families and others in New Mexico, as well as his advocacy work to change how CRAFT receives funding. Serna focuses on making CRAFT an everyday practice, an...

For CRAFT to work, you have to be physically safe. Here's how you prepare yourself. Avoid denial; have an exit plan; learn to see red flags and de-escalate. Don't skip Allies' Module 2 -- it's essential.

Try OARS to help you communicate. Kayla and Laurie discuss the three Os (offering to help, open-ended questions, owning your own part), plus A (affirmation), R (reflective listening), and S (sandwiching).

How do you hold tough conversations? Be careful with your timing; have a plan; stay calm. CRAFT can help you learn the signs of your loved one being receptive, and give you the skills to communicate effectively in less-than-ideal circumstances. Kayla and Laurie offer the details.

Reflective listening involves two simultaneous mindsets -- you're listening, and at the same time reflecting whatever your loved one says. Our hosts weigh in on good strategies for dealing with the difficulty of inhabiting those simultaneous mindsets, including curiosity, interest, and separation.

PIUS is an acronym to help you communicate in tough moments. It stands for "positive statements," "I statements," "understanding statements," and "short, specific statements." Our hosts talk about what all that means and how you can implement it.

Christina Dent, founder of drug policy advocacy nonprofit End It For Good, discusses her voyage as a foster mom who'd never seen addiction up-close. The experiences she gained through fostering led her to dramatically rethink her stance on drugs and the criminal justice system.

Triggers – when something pulls you back into your past, into old physiological reactions and emotions – happen to all of us. Becoming resilient means not avoiding them or pushing them aside, but digging in to repair yourself. If you’re not wounding others, you stop the cycle of wounding and become a healer of yourself and others in an indirect way, through connection and care.