No Crying In Baseball

Patti and the Pottymouth give the rundown on how their boyfriends ranked in Gold Gloves , Silver Slugger (JD Martinez wins two! In one year! Stupid DH…), Wilson Defensive Player , Golden Globes, Oscars, Peoples Choice… Mookie Betts wins everything he can win. Freddy Freeman has a good showing too. Patti sets up your themes to watch for this Hot Stove season: Qualifying offers ( Mike Moustakas was...

Pottymouth cries actual tears of joy and admiration for her Red Sox and their rookie manager, Alex Cora . Patti curls up under the stress blanket. It’s the great baseball detox of 2018. Buehler. There’s a World Series Boyfriend recap, where we admit Mookie Betts, Andrew Benintendi , Kiké Hernandez, and Matt Kemp were not the heroes, but they still did us proud. And are still a little adorable (che...

Patti and the Pottymouth check in with a bonus show on the first World Series travel day. The Boston Ballet rates Andrew Benintendi’s Game 2 grand jeté a 9 out of 10, while Mookie Betts gives new meaning to Taco Tuesday. Patti’s Dodger BF Matt Kemp hits his team’s only WS home run so far, and Pottymouth really almost wants to see Kike Hernandez do well. Ish. The Red Sox are killing it with two str...

Patti and the Pottymouth play the mom card over Jose Altuve’s “bravery” in playing while seriously hurt, falling for Chris Sale’s belly button ring diagnosis, and wanting to keep that nice Cody Bellinger away from bad influences disguised as the cool kids in the Dodger dugout. Fingers crossed that our Dodger boyfriends Matt Kemp and Kiké Hernandez get some playing time in the Series. We are all in...

Patti and the Pottymouth bring the strategery this week. Patti explains how lefty/righty matchups and situational pitching are key to the Brewers strategy against the Dodgers. Pottymouth explains Chris Sale’s no-sleeve strategy and how that may play out in the Red Sox/Astros series. We catch you up on our postseason boyfriends including the movement to Let Kiké Hernandez Catch , and how Mike Moust...

Patti and the Pottymouth run the remaining postseason contenders through the boyfriend filter, judging the pros and cons of each team, the quality of their postseason motto, and wagers of note , to help you decide who to root for if you don’t have a dog in the fight. Pottymouth takes a look at some player demographics (100% of Arubans in major league baseball are in the playoffs). Patti addresses...

El Jefe ditches Patti and Pottymouth on his birthday but somehow they manage to press the right buttons. Jay Sharman of La Vida Baseball stops by for a chat. We send our best wishes to Met’s captain David Wright , and identify his daughter Olivia Shea as a future all-star. Pottymouth’s BF Miguel Andújar ties that dreamy DiMaggio for most doubles by a Yankees rookie. Patti runs down the contenders...

Patti and the Pottymouth sit in the greatest ballpark seats of their lives and see the historic (Max Scherzer breaking his all-time season strikeout record) and the hilarious (Baltimore’s DJ Stewart scoring a run off his first major league hit, which was a single). Pottymouth’s Piña BFs Yuli and Lourdes Gurriel have a smackdown of sorts. Patti thanks Christian Yelich for allowing her to legitimate...

Patti can’t stop saying “clinch,” and Pottymouth can’t stop saying “Red Sox.” Mookie Betts, Jose Ramirez, and Francisco Lindor all make history with their bats and their speed. Carlos Asuaje and Wil Myers get twitchy. Patti has one nice thing to say about the Braves , and Alex Cora has fewer nice things to say about President Trump. Innings pitched may be the key to the AL Cy Young Award . Pottymo...

Pottymouth proposes a school district-like snow day contingency plan for MLB rainouts. She nominates Yadier Molina, and Patti picks Cookie Carrasco, as their Roberto Clemente Award favorites. Patti’s shortstop boyfriends Francisco Lindor and Trevor Story are making history. Pottymouth questions MLB policy that allows Roberto Osuna , but not Robinson Cano, to play in the postseason. Jacob DeGrom, M...

There is great rejoicing when Pottymouth utters the magic words, “Ohtani Watch.” Less so when she calls Patti out for telling everyone not to panic about trades last week. Andrew McCutchen shaved and became a Yankee! Josh Donaldson is a Fightin’ Francona! Gio Gonzalez is a Brewer . Sigh. This week’s vocabulary words, “expanded roster,” lead to a strategy discussion about interchangeable player pos...

Patti and the Pottymouth share the joy of Player’s Weekend, from Mike “Moose” Moustakas homering off of Joe “Moose” Musgrove, to the ultra style-y cleats of Adam Jones, CC Sabathia , and Francisco Lindor. Ronald Acuna, Jr . takes a chunk out of Marlin’s park, and a suitcase takes a whack at Aaron Sanchez’s dignity. It’s not Moneyball this time around, but the Oakland A’s are on a tear. Today’s voc...

While Regulation Pottymouth is away, Other Pottymouth pinch hits with tales of the Nationals new bullpen cart , which they don’t deserve, a little love for Derek Jeter’s Marlins requiring Spanish lessons for the English speakers on the team, and the joy of SS Scott Kingery pitching so slowly the velocity doesn’t even register. Patti rants about Jose Urena’s fastball assault of Ronald Acuna and bas...

Patti and the Pottymouth review the good, the bad, and the ugly of Player’s Weekend nickname choices. Extra credit to Pat Venditte, Paul Fry, and Joey Gallo for puns and playfulness. The Reds are troubling, however, as Scooter Gennett doesn’t choose “Scooter” and Joey Votto goes all Canadian war poetry on us.  Juan Soto suffers premature ejection . Baseball math provides grandpas everywhere with c...

Patti & the Pottymouth are forced to follow their own stupid fantasy boyfriend baseball league rules and bid farewell to Rhys Hoskins, Jonathan Schoop, and Ian Kinsler due to the Trade Deadline Boyfriend Shuffle. Pottymouth cheers on the Mamie “Peanut” Johnson Little League team as they move on to the regional championships with support from BF Adam Jones. Patti watches the “brawl that wasn’t”...

Former MLB players vote for boyfriends on all 30 teams.  They call them Heart and Hustle Awards, but they totally use NCIB’s BF criteria.  We make a good showing with Pookie, Goldy, Salvy, Scooter, Spanky, and Alfalfa all making the cut. That’s Mookie Betts, Paul Goldschmidt, Salvador Perez and Scooter Gennett, for the uninitiated. Kiké Hernandez checks pitching off the bucket list, stands on the...

With Patti on the road, Pottymouth brings in some special guests to help out. Ecuadoran journalist Santiago Estrella talks about growing up playing baseball in New York City and being a huge Yankees fan before moving back to Ecuador — a country that has no baseball — at the age of ten. His newspaper allowed him to come back to the States to cover All-Star Week and he shares his stories of intervie...

It’s All-Star Week and Patti and the Pottymouth have made new friends all over town – in the Metro, in bars, at the ballpark, during volunteer gigs, plus that guy walking down the street carrying a base from the Futures game . We got outside at Play Ball Park , where we made sure little girls and grown women took their turns at bat and in the pitching cages and didn’t hang back behind the boys and...

Pottymouth decamps to NYC (WTF?) yet Patti manages to have her Greatest. Baseball. Weekend. Ever. There were dingers and anthems and jumbotron appearances galore. Pottymouth makes an All-Star case for Yadier Molina, who now even Torey Lovullo agrees is NOT a mofo. Mark Reynolds and Juan Soto are not the heroes the Nationals had in mind, but they are the heroes they needed. Patti has a brush with g...

Patti and the Pottymouth welcome special guest Alfredo Alvarez, of Con Las Bases Llenas, for a Red Sox / Yankees Series smackdown, er, discussion. Alfredo’s story of becoming a Yankees fan as a child in Cuba almost convinces Patti to join the Evil Empire, but her aggressively ugly Orioles shirt (and her aggressively Red Soxy Pottymouth) keep her grounded. We celebrate Joey Votto’s strike zone in h...

Yadier Molina has legs, but does he have knees? The wiener report includes Hunter Strickland, the Phillie Phanatic and that guy on the Metro with the Machado jersey. The non-waiver trade deadline may cost Patti some boyfriends, but she makes sure you know what it means. Pottymouth has choice words about Roberto Osuna. All this plus participation medals, fake moustaches and a pitcher named Disco. B...

Pottymouth laments the glory that is her Mariners (formerly Rays) boyfriend, Denard Span because his best work is against her Red Sox. What’s a girl to do? We jump on the Mariners bandwagon that suddenly looks playoff-bound. Tip of the cap to Trea Turner for his 100th stolen base and Patti tells a back with a bang from the DL story, about Rhys Hoskins of the Phillies. Someone, please get Pottymout...

The race is on for the first player to a 20-20 season.  Will it be Mike Trout? Mookie Betts? Tim Anderson? Andrew Benintendi? Patti welcomes Jays BF Aledmys Diaz back from the DL, and DBacks BF Paul Goldschmidt back from his slump. Pottymouth brings the adorable with little brothers of Alex Bregman and Carlos Correa drafted by the StrosBros. Surprisingly, the best play uniting Baseball and Beer th...

Mookie Betts is back on the DL but never fear, Andrew Benintendi is here! The Detroit Tigers’ season, however, may depend on fowl balls as they pin their hopes on a Rally Goose . This week’s boyfriend updates include Francisco Lindor, Scooter Gennett, and Max Scherzer, but finding replacement boyfriends is really, really hard. We have a little early Father's’ Day celebration for Dereck Rodriguez (...

Patti and the Pottymouth discuss the healing powers of pee and successfully predict the epic-ness of the Trevor Bauer / Gerrit Cole duel. Ohtani, Trout, yada yada but have you seen this guy Scooter Gennett? Rookies hit it out of so many parks in debuts this week (Is it too early to order our Soto jerseys?) There’s some talk therapy to help Pottymouth through her extreme boyfriend flux (Oh, Hanley....