The Real Question

Casper grew up with a lot of confidence. And as he’s gotten older, that confidence has only been encouraged and solidified by the various privileged identities that he inhabits. Knowing that, he wants to intentionally cultivate a practice of humility. But how do you temper confidence, without crumbing into self doubt?  With help from the TV show Julia and The Methodist Quadrilateral , Casper...

Vanessa has always had very good instincts about people. But recently she's started to wonder: where does that gut instinct come from inside of her? And how can she make sure her 'gut' is reflecting her wisdom, instead of her prejudices? With help from Into the Woods and Gilmore Girls , Vanessa and Casper explore how to give people the benefit of the doubt while still being able to trust your inst...

Lily has a boyfriend who she loves. But you know who she doesn’t love? Her boyfriend’s brother. He makes Lily feel small and hurt and honestly angry every time they see each other. But Lily wants to have a good relationship with her boyfriend’s family. So how does she deal with him?  With help from Sara Bareilles and a scene from Fleabag , Lily, Vanessa, and Casper explore our relationships w...

Hima’s parents moved to the United States when she was two years old. Her first language was Telugu, but her early teachers encouraged her parents to speak English at home. Now, she’s not entirely fluent. Hima knows that learning the language would probably make her feel closer to her family and her cultural identity – but it feels embarrassing to try, and trying comes with a lot of family ba...

When Rachel was working on her PhD, she always thought she would graduate and work at a science museum. But the pandemic changed her plans, no museums were hiring. But now she’s wondering, was that change forever? Or should she try to work her way back to her passion?  With help from the show All Creatures Great and Small and the book Ammonite by Nicola Griffith , Rachel, Casper and Vanessa e...

Mariah has filled her life with meaningful friendships. In fact, she bought a house with her best friend and is helping to raise her friend’s kid. Now she’s starting to think about what role a romantic relationship might have in her life, and she’s getting nervous. She knows a romantic partner would take up space in her life, space she doesn’t really have right now. If she wants a romantic partner...

We're cross-posting this special episode of Harry Potter and the Sacred Text, which we've released today. This year in commemoration of Juneteenth, Not Sorry is spotlighting The Final 5 Campaign , a coalition working to close the final five youth prisons in Illinois. Vanessa is joined in conversation by one of their leaders, Alicia Brown, who tells us about what it means to be a prison abolitionis...

Anna had her first child during the pandemic and she found her maternity leave to be really isolating and depressing. It was only once she was able to go back to school and work that she felt like herself again. But now she’s pregnant again and starting to get worried about her next maternity leave. What if she feels the same way?  With help from the The Bright Field  by R.S. Thomas &nbs...

Sarah Steinberg is passionate about making stop motion animation. It’s so satisfying, she could easily spend hours at a time working a single project. But Sarah also lives with rheumatoid arthritis, which makes her art practice difficult and often quite painful. This worries a lot of her friends, they don’t understand why she insists on having a hobby that’s so hard on her body. How does Sara...

Marie-Hélène is the kind of person who changed her major a million times during college. But after a while, this habit started to feel embarrassing. So she made a promise to herself: “I am going to become the kind of person who commits to things and sees them through.” Now she’s been at the same job for seven years and is starting to feel antsy. But she can’t tell - is it because her old habit is...

Dani has always wanted to live alone. Now, at 28, she’s living the dream. She owns her condo and doesn’t foresee needing a roommate. But looking ahead at the rest of her life, she’s a little worried about what she sees. If she lives alone forever, is she closing the door on an important kind of intimacy and support?  With help from a song from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and a scene from Friends , Da...

A few years ago, Lindsay left an abusive relationship. Since then she has almost completely cut her abuser out of her life. But there’s one friend they still share - and that friend is getting married. Lindsay has never talked to her friend about the abuse. But now, with her ex likely invited to the wedding, questions are coming up: Should she tell her friend about the abuse? What if he doesn’t be...

Ruth has been a woman their whole life, but that label has never quite felt right. Recently they had an experience where a stranger gendered them “wrongly” and it felt amazing. Since then they’ve been wondering, should they identify as non-binary?  With help from Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night and an article by Tre’vell Anderson , Ruth, Vanessa, and Casper explore the confines of gendered langua...

Maya Gosh has been in pain for years. She’s been going to doctors, trying to figure out what's going on with her body, but nobody seems to think anything is wrong with her. And lately she’s started to feel like the whole process of trying to get good healthcare is more painful emotionally and psychologically than the physical pain she’s in. Should she stop trying and protect her mental health? Or...

Last fall, Sophie Clark broke up with her long-term partner and it was one of the hardest things she’s ever done. Trying to organize her grief, she began a weekly ritual - lighting candles and journaling about the break-up. But now, several months later, the ritual is feeling a little flat. What can she do to reimagine her practice to better fit where she is now in the grief process?  Wi...

Dana Schwartz is a #1 New York Times Best Selling author (go read her new book !), top charting podcaster, and Twitter super-star. But still, she sometimes finds herself looking at other writers with feelings of professional jealousy. She doesn’t like that feeling when it comes up, but she doesn’t know what to do about it.  With help from Nick Jonas  and the movie Amadeus , Dana, Vanessa...

Happy holidays! We're dropping in your feeds to share some news about the future of the show. If you’re interested in being on the show, please fill out this form and we’ll start contacting people in the new year.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Vanessa's step-daughter is *very* cool. But...is that a good thing? And what is coolness really? With help from West Side Story and Gone Girl , Vanessa and Casper explore the social capital and social manipulation of coolness. -- We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more in...

We got so many questions for our "bad chaplaincy" episode last month, we decided we needed another round! This week, Casper and Vanessa answer your questions about work, exes, and how to know when you're on the right path. -- We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in ! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more info...

Casper's life is on a path and generally he's pretty happy with how it's going. But every so often, he likes to fantasize about what it would look like to step off that path. What if, instead of living his normal life, he went on an adventure? What if he spent months traveling the world? Is that just a fantasy or is it something he can really do? With help from Under the Tuscan Sun and Mary Oliver...

This week we're taking some time to answer real questions from our audience! We touch on questions about disappointment in love, whether it's okay to be late, and setting boundaries. -- We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in ! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Risa has a family member who isn’t getting vaccinated and the relationship is really troubling her. She wants to respect the values of the person she loves, but is finding that hard to do when the ‘right thing’ seems to be so clear. With help from a Brandy Carlile song and a blog post by Lilach Shafir , Risa and Casper explore how to be in relationship with someone who has values that seem diametr...

Vanessa used to have a helpful story she told herself about her depression. She let herself stay in bed some days and understood that it was important for her health. But lately, she hasn’t been staying in bed. The story seems…broken, like it doesn’t fit the new version of her life. Is there a new story that could help her take care of herself better? With help from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Ch...

Casper is feeling a lot of nostalgia for his graduate school experience. There are so many times in his day to day life where he feels like he should know more and he wishes that he had a teacher to guide him. He's been trying to teach himself, but it just doesn't feel the same. Should he just go back to school? With help from Legally Blonde and Hermes Trismegistus, Casper and Vanessa explore how...

Back in May, Vanessa brought us the question 'am I a Karen?' That episode focused on gender and the way systems of power can fail and frustrate women. This week we bring you part two of that conversation, where we discuss the racial dynamic at play in the Karen meme. We were incredibly lucky to be joined by Dr. Apryl Williams for this conversation. Dr. Williams is a multidisciplinary scholar who s...