Playing With Fire

The word projection gets thrown around a lot these days, often in an accusatory way (think, “so-and-so is projecting!”). But projection is actually a normal, unconscious psychological process that shows up in all relationships! That doesn’t mean we should let our projections go unchecked. They can interfere with our ability to truly see our partners as whole, autonomous beings. The good news is th...

Do your monsters sometimes stage a take-over, hurting you and others? If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious process? Ken did, and it made him cry, right here in the podcast - tears of relief for the possibility of realizing potential. We're tal...

A lot of personal growth work is about recognizing and focusing on taking responsibility and changing what we can change in our lives. But sometimes you’re stuck. Stuck and bewildered by how this shit keeps happening. Those same old cyclical situations… a heated argument with a romantic partner, a recurring issue at work, a really challenging family dynamic… where we feel like we have no control ....

Radical relating isn't just about who you're dating—it's about dismantling systems of power and creating community. In this episode, we welcome Mel Cassidy, somatic relationship coach and author of "Radical Relating: A Queer and Polyamory-Informed Guide to Love Beyond the Myth of Monogamy." Mel shares their journey from blogger to coach to author, and how their work challenge...

Long-distance relationships can feel like a never-ending uphill climb. When there are miles between you and your partner, it's easy to fall into patterns that make connecting feel more like a chore than a choice. Whether you're separated by a two-hour drive or multiple time zones, the question eventually surfaces: "How do we keep going without it feeling like endless work?" We un...

We live in a culture where monogamy isn't just presented as one way to have relationships—it's positioned as the only natural, healthy, and moral way to relate. This assumption runs so deep that most of us never even question it. But what happens when we start examining these unspoken rules that shape our relationships? Mono-normativity affects all of us, whether we're monogamous or no...

What happens when two relationship experts who teach others about intimacy find themselves in an 18-month sexual drought? We recently emerged from what we affectionately call "the swamp"—a period where our once-vibrant sexual connection became strained, disconnected, and frankly disappointing. Despite having all the professional knowledge about creating great sex, we found ourselves stuc...

Discovering your polyamorous identity while in a long-term monogamous relationship can feel both liberating and terrifying. It's a moment of personal truth that can shake the foundations of your partnership—and that's exactly why it deserves careful, thoughtful consideration. When you realize something fundamental about yourself has shifted (or perhaps was always there but unnamed), it&#39...

There’s one really important prerequisite for a whole lot of juicy relational goodness… but it sounds deceptively simple… figuring out what you want. Whether it's day-to-day preferences or deeper desires, knowing what we truly want helps us make authentic agreements with ourselves and others. So why is this process so difficult for many of us? In this episode, we’re exploring the psychology be...

When we're in the thick of navigating non-monogamy, especially in the early stages, it can feel like an endless emotional workout. The jealousy, the NRE highs and lows, the constant communication—it's a lot! Many people wonder if it will ever get easier or if this constant state of emotional processing is just what non-monogamy is all about. The good news? It absolutely can become more easeful! In...

Feeling exhausted by non-monogamy? You're not alone! Even when we know why we chose this path, the day-to-day reality can sometimes feel overwhelming. But before you throw in the towel, let's explore what's really happening when non-monogamy feels like "too much" – and what you can do about it. Whether you're new to non-monogamy or have been practicing for years, we all h...

Holidays can be a joy-filled time, but they can also become incredibly complicated when you're navigating non-monogamous relationships. How do you balance time between partners, metamours, family members who might not know about your relationship structure, and children who just want to have fun? The stress can quickly overshadow the joy you're hoping to experience. We've been there! T...

Many people wonder if their trauma history means they can't successfully navigate the complex emotional terrain that comes with open relationships. When we step away from default monogamy into consciously chosen relationship structures, our nervous systems can get activated. This may be especially challenging for trauma survivors, whose systems are often already primed for hypervigilance. The...

Secrets, privacy, and the journey to authentic relationships can be a complex terrain to navigate. When one partner keeps secrets—whether consciously or unconsciously—it creates ripples that affect trust, consent, and the very foundation of connection. But what happens when those secrets aren't just kept from partners, but from oneself? This episode dives deep into the challenging work of movi...

Ever feel like your journey into non-monogamy is all about hard work? You're not alone. Many people reach a point where they wonder if all the emotional regulation, self-reflection, and relationship meetings are worth it. This feeling is incredibly common, whether you initiated opening your relationship or not. We've both been there. The reality is that unpacking our assumptions about rela...

We all carry shame—it's part of the human experience. But what if there was a way to transform that shame into something more nurturing and supportive? In this episode, we welcome back Jessica Fern and David Cooley to discuss their groundbreaking new book, Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love with Parts Work . Jessica describes this as her most important book yet! This isn't...

We all experience transitions in our relationships. And, they can actually be even more frequent in non-monogamous relationships, like when our attention shifts from one partner to another, when we leave for a date, or when we return home. These seemingly small shifts in energy and attention can create surprising friction, even in the healthiest dynamics. A ton of us could use extra support around...

Navigating shared spaces as a polycule can feel like stepping into uncharted territory. Whether you're attending a community event, family gathering, or social outing with multiple partners, the absence of cultural scripts can leave us feeling uncertain and vulnerable. Many of us struggle with questions like: How do we introduce each other? What level of affection is appropriate? What happens...

Most of us have been conditioned to follow relationship "escalators," those predetermined paths that dictate how our connections should progress. But what happens when we step off these escalators and design our relationships according to our own values? What if we could move beyond hierarchical thinking and embrace a more expansive view of love and connection? Enter, relationship anarchy, and Dr....

Purity culture can often shape our sexuality in ways we don't even realize. Whether you grew up deeply immersed in it or just caught the edges, cultural messages about sexual "purity" impact how we view ourselves, our bodies, and our relationships. But what happens when we start questioning these teachings? How do we reclaim our sexuality and pleasure after being told our bodies belo...

Have you ever felt totally torn between two seemingly incompatible desires? Like part of you wants the freedom of non-monogamy while another part longs for that "one and only" Disney story? You're not alone, and this inner conflict isn't something to rush past—it might actually be your greatest opportunity for growth. In this episode, we’re exploring the Jungian concept of "...

When we're feeling insecure in our relationships (especially during transitions like opening up, navigating new relationship dynamics, or major life changes), we often seek reassurance from our partners. But what does effective reassurance actually look like? How can we offer it authentically without trying to "fix" our partners' feelings? And how do we navigate the complex inter...

Communication is the foundation of all relationships. But what happens when we're speaking different languages without even realizing it? Often the result is confusion, frustration, and feeling misunderstood. Enter, the fascinating world of high context and low context communication styles. This framework can transform how you understand relationship patterns and help you traverse the complex...

Many of us hear stories about couples who dive headfirst into non-monogamy without preparation (what I call the "jumping out of the airplane without a parachute" approach). But after 33 years of marriage, Bill and Laura decided to explore non-monogamy through a gradual, education-centered path. They’re joining us to share their experience with this slow and steady approach, which demonst...

When couples consider opening their relationships, one of the most common questions that comes up is: "What will happen to us ?" This fear makes perfect sense—you've built something special together, and the prospect of change can feel threatening to the relationship you've carefully cultivated. This question comes from a place of caring deeply about your connection, but it also reveals something...