Bill Watches Movies

In which an amateur filmmakers' $4 million dollar vanity project goes missing for decades, the filmmaker mysteriously dies, and then it's rediscovered for all our enjoyment. Hint: It should have stayed missing.

In which we have an alien princess dressed like I Dream of Jeannie who tries to invade Puerto Rico, only to be stopped by meddling bikini-clad teens and an android astronaut. Disclaimer: No actual Frankensteins appear in this picture.

In which an old west preacher with a wandering eye and a slightly crazy wife get sidetracked into a small town with a deaf mute sculptress, an inept mayor and Henry Silva's magnificent porn 'stache. Oh, and did we mention that the entire town is a bunch of devil worshipers?

In which the magnificent and awesome Peter Cushing and Forrest Whitaker from F Troop travel to the Himalayas, meet ancient monks, drink awful tea, and then wander around a bit to try and catch a Yeti. Spoiler Alert: They get more than they bargained for.

In which an alien race of cape wearing disco overlords travel to earth, live in a large globe near Mt. Fuji and unleash earthquakes and a giant anteater robot in an effort to enslave us. Oh, and they want to mate with our women, of course. Shocked/Not Shocked.

In which a lonely man who lives in a shack down by the river and needs to get out more is given a mystical amulet that allows him to talk to sharks, but not women. Bonus points for crazy Florida people almost being killed by a hurricane.

In which some construction workers in London's Underground unearth a prehistoric spaceship that contains our locust shaped alien overlords capable of mind control. So of course, all hell breaks loose, literal and figurative.

In which we travel to Hawaii, land of paradise, full of palm trees and umbrella drinks, to watch bikini clad Playboy playmates fight crime, drive around in jeeps and avoid mutant snakes. Trigger warning for skateboarder killed by bazooka.

In which we travel to Horror Mexico, land of the crime fighting luchador, and watch Santo and Blue Demon fight ALL the monsters, mad scientists and their midget assistants in their underground lair. Bonus points for capes that would make Liberache jealous and sports cars that go zoom zoom.

In which we have a secret agent movie involving Old Spock, Poor Man's Peter Lorre, the cold war, cars that turn into boats, a helicopter chase and random smooching of women. But no sharks with laser beams on their foreheads. BOO. BOO I SAY.

In which a movie made three years before Close Encounters of the Third Kind manages to be light years behind in plot, acting, and Commodore 64 computer generated weirdness. Bonus points for disco music and bell bottom jeans.

In which three beautiful women and one dork riding in their carriage through the countryside get waylaid and head to the castle of Count Dracula, who has gotten shorter, gone to the gym, and is a bit emotional and needy. Bonus Points for vampiric Charlie's Angels.

In which a young, attractive teacher who might or might not be a werewolf is assigned to a secluded, girls only private school full of pretty young things who scamper about doing teen girl stuff. Bonus Points for Golden Corral for lycanthropes. All you can eat!

In which the most evil man in history gets his head cut off, and remains alive only to be put in a jar and carried around like an angry hat box, wanting to bring about the Fourth Reich.  And then decides to invade a small sleepy island country.   Bonus Points for Nazi Blues Brothers and a Dollar Store Carmen Miranda.

In which a cranky old scientist on a Greek island tries and tries to warn the world that they are going to be destroyed by a giant meteor unless they go all Bruce Willis In Armageddon and destroy it. But they don't listen because, well, he's a cranky old scientist.

Happy Halloween! To celebrate this most awesome of holidays, I am, with permission, performing an wonderful essay written by David Colton, former editor at USA Today, and current Grand Poobah of The Rondo Awards and The Classic Horror Film Boards called "Monster Kids". It's an annual tradition for David to post the essay on the above CHFB every Halloween, and, with his kind permission, I have reco...

In which the prissy, sassy and mean descendant of the famous doctor creates a woman of his own in his suburban basement, with less than satisfying results. She ugly, won't make him a sandwich and won't kill on command.  Well, THAT'S a bummer.

In which an Oscar winning actor playing a cranky scientist NOT named Quatermass must defend England from a slow moving, bus sized blob of radioactive chocolate pudding capable of face melting the entire nation, and the crushing governmental bureaucracy that comes with it. Again, totally, totally not named Quatermass.

In which a crashed meteorite releases a germ that creates a slow moving, crystalline monster bent on eventually destroying your small desert town out in the middle of nowhere. Eventually. Just add water.

In which Count Dracula, Vlad the Impaler, the most powerful vampire in history decides to give it all up, downsize and retire to a small town in Podunk, California, hit on your teenage sister and avoid going to church. Bonus Points for a Dracula with an actual authentic foreign accent.

In which man (and one token woman) finally make it to the moon, and discover leotard clad, interpretive dancing, Vulcan looking, telepathic single cat women, bent on invading earth. And dating our men.

In which an experiment with Nuclear Science Stuff goes horribly wrong, and a guy gets turned into a demon. That can't go out into the sun. Bonus points for bad jazz, drunken scientists, and guerilla film making on a shoestring budget.

In which a newlywed bride heads to the swamps of Louisiana to look for her errant husband who left her on a train by herself and who also may or may not have been turned in to an alligator. Spoiler alert: He was, Gentle Listener. He was. Bonus Points for horror legend Lon Chaney Jr. as a hook handed drunk with questionable driving skills, a shack in sore need of a cleaning, and a vendetta against...