Austin's Hot Takes

Today, we are going to discuss facts and only facts. Like if we had Bucky Barnes fighting in the Revolutionary War for us, Ben Franklin would’ve been our first president. And if your kid plays gacha games, they’re better off doing drugs. Also, the CEO of trains is the conductor. Most importantly, you WILL go into flames if you ever mail Austin a birthday card

Disclaimer: everything discussed in this episode was entirely for comedic purposes. Jeremy will promptly slap Austin in the face for every dumb idea mentioned in this episode. Austin’s Hot Takes LLC does not endorse in any way, shape, or form the concept of SWMSWAM, except for profiting off of the lanyard and sticker market. Oh and also the Amish market after we trick them into using wooden techno...

There comes a point in one’s life when one takes that first glorious bite into an olive. And when they do, they unconsciously engrain a permanent pattern for olive consumption they follow for the rest of their lives until one day they come across another beautifully minded human consuming an olive in a different, yet intricate manner. And then in a murderous rage, one climbs the Empire State and d...

Do you know all those things your dentist tells you not to do? And all those things they don’t tell you not to do because they assume you’re smart enough not to do them? Yeah, well… here’s an episode dedicated to Austin’s personal hygiene. Bathroom routines include: sawing back and forth with a floss pick, washing your back with a soap wall, and avoiding icky minty toothpaste on your tongue at all...

Jump into the mind of Jeremy as he solves physics by launching all of our garbage into space and then taking money from all research and putting it into worthwhile investments like the Austizon. Do you want a dictator in your kitchen to yell at customer service workers when your shoes are untied? Order the Amazon Austizon now and we’ll throw in the first ever boxed set of Austin Against Humanity!...

It literally cannot get worse than this. Austin has written a “rap” (?) about love and COVID. If you are a music major or know anything about rhythm or what music is supposed to sound like, cover your ears. Also featured this episode: the body towel sandwich, flesh bulbs, and teaching Austin that you shouldn’t stick a fork in a toaster because apparently that’s something that needs to be said.

Hot, hot oh wuhgottum and by wuhgottum, we mean we’ve got big plans and theories this episode. Get ready to drive your head in the face with a driver, cover Annie’s car in old bay crab dip and crabs, and dip mozzarella sticks in liquid fat! Plus, if you love WandaVision you’ll hate this theory more than Austin hates yogurt (punishable by death).

HAPPY FANG DAY! Austi award winner, Tim joins us to celebrate the second annual AHT Fang Day. Hear about the AHT crew’s many plots to kill Austin, the Animorphs layer of the Earth, and the magic pills that might just make vegetables legal.

Celebrating one year of AHT, this is the AUSTIIIIIIIIII’S! Relive some of the most iconic hot takes moments in this past 11th Y.O.O.F. (Year of Our Fang) as we award AUSTI’s in categories such as “Plan Most Likely to Succeed if it Worked,” “Deserves Most Jail and Satan,” “The Austin-ism” (The Best Thought Nugget Bequeathed Upon Thee by Me on Air), and much more!

Privet! After years of Put-in in hard work, Austin (and others) have graduated college… and Jeremy has more than a couple complaints. Hear about Austin’s Swedish rock band transcript and his “turd-nuggeting crayon-licking trombone-farting miniscule smoothbrained dummy professor.” Also of note: his raging Hulk smash mode in the heat and Jeremæforms about politics and the arts.

Words cannot describe the pure chaos of this week’s episode so here’s a bunch of inspirational quotes instead. “Peaches are orange cousins” | “They say oxygen doesn’t grow on trees but it does” | “Can you give mouth to mouth to a plant?” | “If we did it, could we do it?” But wait… there’s more! Hear about the hoops that Austin leaps through just to avoid taking his socks off with his hands.

It’s the Star Wars Hot-Take-iday Special! Darth Andrew the Wise, the man who bequeathed all of his Star Wars knowledge unto Austin when he was a wee little Padawan (high school), joins us to discuss uh… Star Wars, duh. Hear about the legends of the Space British, The Emperor Strikes Austin, and Austin’s twin sons Maul and Mace.

It’s Season 3 of AHT (Austin did a U-turn which constitutes an important life milestone and therefore a new season). Annie unveils parts A and B of her plan for world domination previously mentioned on E24: E25. Also, Austin gets blasted in the face with hot gas, has a positive customer service interaction with Neck Beard, and learns how to safely drink orange juice. Bonus: Jeremy debuts Proclamat...

Ooh la la! Get ready for a potluck of steaming hot takes, ranging from Austin’s fear of fast food drive thrus to his hatred for Pixar movies starring humans. Plus, if you get confused by Swiss cheese and Swahili, Justin has the perfect geography game for you! Fun Fact: two lobsters don’t make a biscuit.

On this week’s episode, Annie and Jeremy rant about the pointlessness of New Year’s resolutions, and Austin resolves to plot even more vengeance on the frat bros. Plus, the debut of Punderland: a horrible game dedicated to Austin’s even more horrible puns!

Get those rhyming thought manifestations ready! It’s been 2021 for 3 months now so we only have 9 more months for this to come true! Learn about Little Batman Orphan Annie and hear about the horrific foods Austin was forced to eat in Vermont, including “ovally” baked beans *shudders*

Put on some Stevie Wonder and grab your totally not seductive Coke can because it’s the AHT Valentine’s Day Special! If you are a carnivorous non-SWT, find out the keys to Austin’s heart. And if you’re looking to marry Jeremy, we hope you despise skim milk and know your woodpeckers because this perfect Canadian man requires perfection.

Woe! Woe indeed! Come hear the tragedy of Darth Grayder and the “drive of shame” it took to bring him back to us. But all is not lost! The money sock (patent pending) is perhaps the most powerful Richy Quicky yet! Order now and we’ll throw in free Croutomelons (also patent pending) for all your citrus-infused ravioli needs.

Hold onto your sausage and your chef hats because this week’s episode is a recipe for disaster! From the maker of the “Salad on Bread” comes a new inexplicably unexplainable creation. It’s time to open up your human-person three-sided square window and wrestle with a hanger for your jacket because the bee density outside is frightful.

Yes, you heard that right! Witness the live premiere of the most INCLUSIVE Christmas Carol of all time (we apologize in advance for Austin’s “singing”). The holidays are a wonderful time of year filled with capitalism and consumerism so celebrate with Santa Jeff Bezos as he travels the world delivering presents in an Amazon delivery truck. Plus, nothing says Christmas like Annie’s plan for world d...

Bustin Justin hosts a smörgåsbord of hot takes today about the deer family tree centered on the key belief that deer are short horses and giraffes are long horses. Also, have you ever wondered what the dictionary definition of a clenched buttcheek is? Have you ever been to Tampa Bay, Canada? Do lobsters have thumbs? What ever happened to “Left Pennsylvania?” Prepare to have all of these questions...

Journey aboard the Sasquatch, the Squanto, and the Santa Maria with us as Austin and Jeremy break down why Thanksgiving dinner is the single most overrated meal of the year. Learn how the first Thanksgiving evolved from Pocahontas, John Rolfe, and Charlie Brown into a modern-day lie centered on the world's most worthless bird.

If you thought Austin was uncultured before, wait until you hear his reviews of movies he’s never seen. Self-proclaimed movie expert Nate weighs in on the important issues like why every movie with Leonardo “DiCaprio” is Oscar-bait trash and if humans can be right-mouthed. Warning: you are about to hear a very detailed and horrifying sequence of events about Austin’s pee test from hell.

What would you do for a Blonde-Ike bar? In this week’s episode, Austin goes through character development... after watching Legally Blonde; he now hates sororities less than he did in Episode 18. Also, hear about his plan to deliver newborn babies with Amazon, the four horses of the apocalypse (spoiler alert: one is soup), and the water sandwiches of America.

Join us for a spooky, scary episode of AHT where we discuss the fourth-best holiday of the year. Find out which candies are “actually good,” “decent,” “utter burning garbage,” “banned eww seriously why,” and “you deserve jail and satan.” Plus, we discuss how to defeat sexy Halloween costumes and denim girl shorts!