The Virtual Couch

Relationship and sexuality expert Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-fife ( http://finlayson-fife.com ) returns for her 3rd time to the Virtual Couch! On today’s episode, Tony and Jennifer discuss the challenges that occur in relationships when one partner finds themselves often feeling like they are more invested. Tony shares his observations from over 1,000 couples that have come through his office, as well...

Liar, Liar Pants On Fire! Do you lie? Come on, we all do right? Or do we? What’s the difference between a pathological liar, a compulsive liar, and somebody who just tells a little white lie because they don’t want to hurt anyone's feelings? -This episode of The Virtual Couch is sponsored by  http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch With the continuing “sheltering” rules that are spreading across the co...

For most of us, when we think of our marital relationships our minds don’t immediately go to the second law of thermodynamics, or entropy, but according to some marriage researchers, there is definitely a correlation. According to Stephen F. Duncan, entropy suggests that “starting on your wedding day, your marriage will begin a slow downward slide--that is unless you take action. Entropy is caused...

Have you ever heard that you can somewhat easily choose to be happy by simply switching all your thoughts from unhappy, to happy? Sure, that sounds fantastic, but unfortunately, it's not that simple, and there's plenty of data that shows that for some, it can make matters worse! Within the day, or the hour, or even the minute, chances are your thoughts have been all over the map. Happy, sad, angry...

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-fife ( www.finlayson-fife.com ) a popular relationship and sexuality counselor, joins Tony on the podcast to talk about the challenges around sexuality that women face growing up in a faith-based culture. Dr. Finlayson-fife is a licensed psychotherapist with a Ph. D. in Counseling Psychology from Boston College. She wrote her dissertation on LDS women and sexuality, has taug...

What if your thoughts, even ones that you previously considered to be negative, harmful, unproductive, or even toxic, when put into context weren’t the monsters that you have made them out to be? Welcome to the world of Functional Contextualism.” This key principle of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) will help you understand that often even our most unproductive thoughts when put into the r...

My bad! These two simple words can do more to diffuse a potentially charged situation than almost any other in the English language. Personal accountability is a skill that can be developed, and when acknowledged, “owning it” can cause a ripple effect in your life, and can have a significant positive impact on your relationships. In today’s episode, Tony references the article How To Help Your Chi...

Do you always feel like you’re never going to get what you want? Do you continuously find yourself thinking, “I should have done that differently?” (Knowing that NOBODY likes to be “should on?”). Or have you ever found yourself in the midst of what feels like a pretty good day, when one thing goes south and then you feel like your entire day is shot? Welcome to the world of “cognitive distortions....

How can a couple rebuild trust in a marriage? Is gaslighting really as big of a problem as people make it out to be...come on, really? (See what I did there...I was gaslighting!!). And what if I honestly, truly, at my very core believe that I know my spouse better than they do...can I tell them what to do about it? And what is the difference between an impulse, and a compulsion and why is that ext...

In this special BONUS episode, and in preparation for the coming announcement of Tony's upcoming Magnetic Marriage communication course, he tackles the frequently referenced but rarely understood 5 Love Languages. Back in 1995, Ph. D. and Marriage Therapist Gary Chapman released a book called "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate." In the book, Chapman outlines...

Years ago a fascinating study was conducted where two groups of people were randomly assigned some rats. One group was told that their rats were “Maze-bright,” meaning that their rats had been bread to figure out how to get through mazes fast! The other group was told that their rats were “Maze-dull” and that they had just your standard, run-of-the-mill rats. Both groups of people were given 5 day...

Is self-care self-ish? Or is self-care an absolute necessity in order to put yourself in a position to succeed in any, and we’re talking ANYTHING you want to accomplish in life? Today Tony talks about the “Emotional Baseline” a concept he developed over a decade ago that has helped thousands of people make positive strides toward accomplishing THEIR goals...not the goals placed on this by those in...

Tony tackles the topic of pornography today in a completely strength-based, hold-the-shame, become the person you always wanted to be way. He addresses the age-old question of whether or not pornography addiction is even a diagnosable condition...and better yet, does that matter? Tony shares his views on “the voids” in one’s life that typically lead to the brain wanting to cope, or check-out, by v...

Rachel Nielson, host of the 3 in 30 Takeaways For Mom’s Podcast ( https://3in30podcast.com/ ) and Monica Packer, host of the About Progress Podcast ( https://aboutprogress.com/ ) join Tony to talk podcasting, specifically, what it takes to start your own podcast. Rachel and Monica have created Podcast U, an online course to help teach people how to start and grow impactful podcasts. To learn more...

It’s true that the diagnosis of narcissism is being handed out a bit too liberally, but this toxic personality disorder definitely does exist, with some experts saying that it's clearly becoming more prevalent with each generation. There is a growing body of research that now shows how long-term narcissistic abuse affects the hippocampus, and the amygdala of the brain, areas that regulate memory,...

It's time to break some old habits and create some new ones...the good kind! Tony covers Richard Jerome's Realsimple.com article "Yes, You Can Kick That Bad Habit!" https://apple.news/AmpZULFi8QkCRuwgWAWaDQQ Are you "addicted" to your phone? Have you ever found yourself mindlessly scrolling through Instagram or Facebook thinking "just 3 more seconds and I'll exit," again and again and again? And h...

Tony covers items 11 through 14 of his ever-growing list of “Everything I Know,” aka all of the things he’s learned from the therapist’s chair. In today’s episode he covers: If you’re going to say yes to someone, then say yes enthusiastically...don’t play the martyr, “well, I guess you can go with your friend, but I’m not happy about it!” Playing the martyr does nothing to improve the relationship...

Tony welcomes Julie Lee, author of “I See You” back to The Virtual Couch. Julie talks about the surprising series of events that led to the writing of her book, “I See You” and discussed the challenges of completing the book while the world turned upside down through quarantine and the uncertainty of the pandemic. Julie talks about why interacting with, and truly seeing those around you is so impo...

Tony interviews Leonard, a former inmate, and medical professional, who was recently released from jail where he learned a tremendous amount of information on how to protect our children from the dangers of human trafficking. While in jail, Leonard, a father himself, learned from people imprisoned for the crimes of human trafficking, about the specifics of who and how they target through social me...

Tony covers 7 through 10 of his ever-growing list of “Everything I Know,” aka all of the things he’s learned from his therapist’s chair. In today’s episode he covers: Let’s assume that people don’t wake up and think “What can I do today to hurt my partner?” Working from that assumption, you’re in a much better position to see that person with empathy, instead of from the depths of your bunker. Als...

Tony covers items 1 through 6 of his ever-growing list of “Everything I Know,” aka all of the things he’s learned from his therapist’s chair. In today’s episode he covers: What if you’re NOT broken (ACT vs CBT), You’re the only version of YOU so far on the Earth (at least as far as you know), Why it is imperative to seek first to understand before being understood (and who said that Paul of New Te...

Don’t you know that breaking up, is, hard to do? Hopefully you were singing that to the tune of the Neal Sedaka hit of the same name that was first released in 1960? And Sedaka wasn’t the first to use the phrase to express just how difficult it can be to move on not only from a relationship that has simply grown apart, but even from a relationship that many would view as toxic, or trauma bonded. I...

What do you say when somebody turns to you in their time of need? It may sound simple, but in reality, there’s a chance that your thoughts and phrases of support may leave someone feeling unheard and even more alone. In today’s episode, Tony shares how to truly listen, and be there for somebody who has recently gone through a traumatic event...from learning of a spouses infidelity to losing a love...

Tony reviews the life-changing book The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel van der Kolk M.D. https://amzn.to/2VUcMEd “Trauma is a fact of life…one in five Americans has been molested; one in four grew up with alcoholics; one in three couples have engaged in physical violence. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, one of the world’s foremost experts on trauma, has spent over three decades working with survivors. I...

Anger, sadness, frustration, fear, loneliness…any one of these emotions can cause one to feel off their game to the point that they may start singing the familiar, yet destructive “what’s wrong with me?” tune. Even more profound is  the old saying “You will not be punished for your (fill in any of the emotions above), you will be punished by your (fill in the same emotion).” So what is one suppose...