The Real Question

Casper has a soft spot in his heart for the monarchy. He understands all the absurdities of the institution, but he can’t get rid of that feeling that he associates with childhood and history and national identity. Is it okay to have that feeling knowing what he knows intellectually? Or should he be trying to get rid of it?  With help from Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf and The Mirror and th...

Every so often Vanessa scrolls through photos on her phone and runs into some memories she’d rather forget. Should she just delete those photos? Or are those bad memories something productive?  With help from Spotlight and Mad About You , Vanessa and Casper explore what it means to re-write our own historical record and when we should do it. -- We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon...

Casper is getting older and he's been thinking about what that means. On the one hand: age is just a number! There’s no such thing as the ‘right’ thing you should be doing at any age. But on the other hand: he wants to make sure he’s stepping into the full responsibility of what it means to be an adult. Without subscribing to tradition benchmarks, how do you keep yourself on track? With help...

Instead of a normal episode this week we're bringing you an episode of The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos, featuring our own Casper ter Kuile. Space crews, athletes and pop stars all indulge in strange rituals before moments of high stress. It's easy to mock these behaviours - indeed even the people who practise them often admit they're a bit weird - but they can act like performance enhanci...

Vanessa has had a lot of really positive interactions with strangers. However there are moments when strangers, for whatever reason, trigger her defense mechanisms. What should she do in those moments? She doesn't want to be naive - there are people out there who can hurt you or take advantage of you. But also, she knows it's important to be kind whenever possible. With help from Thelma and Louise...

Casper is suspicious of the value he puts on beauty in his life. He knows that he doesn't want to judge human bodies by their aesthetics, that much makes sense. But is it okay to love other forms of beauty out in the world? Or is that problematic too? With the help of a Shakespearean sonnet and ' How Fair This Spot ' by Rachmaninoff, Casper and Vanessa untangle how to think about beauty as a moral...

Vanessa doesn't know what to do when people ask her 'are you okay?' A lot of the time, she is not okay. She lives with a chronic illness, so unfortunately that kind of comes with the territory. On the one hand, radical honesty and communication is good. On the other hand, other people have their own problems. And most of the time, it's not like anyone can actually help. With help from I Am, I Am,...

Casper has never liked his middle name. He’s ready to change it to something more meaningful to him, but how does he go about picking the right replacement? With help from John O’Donohue and Call Me By Your Name , Casper and Vanessa explore the connection between re-naming and a spiritual life. -- We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please consi...

John Green has spent much of his life and career online. The community that he’s built there has been one of his greatest joys and achievements. But more and more he feels like his time on social media is poisoning his sense of well-being. Should he just give it up? Or would that be turning his back on something too valuable? With help from an essay by Thomas Berry and an episode of the podcast Yo...

Vanessa has some friendships that feel more like obligations than pleasures. What does she do with these friends? Does she break-up with them? Does stick it out and hope that they become fun again? Does she tell them how she feels? And how does she do any of it without hurting the people she cares about? With help from the musical Waitress and Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving , Vanessa and Casper w...

Recently, Casper’s been looking back on his life with regret: he should have kissed more boys when he was younger! But what is he supposed to do with that feeling now? And how can he make sure that he’s living his life in a way that he won’t regret in the future? With help from a poem by Lucille Clifton and How Proust Can Change your Life by Alain de Baton , Casper and Vanessa try to parse what ex...

Vanessa's book finally came out into the world on Tuesday and we're so excited to share a chapter from the audiobook with you today! If you haven't already, you can snag your copy here . Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Vanessa's book is finally out in the world today! She chats with Casper about her writing process, inspiration, and more. If you haven't already, you can grab a copy of her book here ! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Vanessa sometimes tells white lies in low stakes situations. Lies like ‘yes, I love that dress!’ or ‘I really enjoyed meeting your boyfriend!’ Are these lies good for her relationships? Or do they make her untrustworthy? With help from Trust Exercise by Susan Choi and Grey’s Anatomy , Vanessa and Casper try to untangle the relationship between truth and trust and figure out when it’s okay to lie.&...

Casper is getting to the age where he feels like he and his husband ’should’ start thinking about buying a house, but he doesn’t know if he really wants to. On the one hand, there's so much love and stability that is wrapped up in owning a house. On the other hand, he doesn't know if he ever wants to settle on one future in one place. Maybe buying a house would limit his future possibilities?...

Every summer Vanessa goes to Germany with her partner, Peter. And every summer, Vanessa gets stuck around the dinner table at night surrounded by people speaking German (a language she does not speak). What she really wants to do in that situation is pull out a book… but that’s rude right? Drawing on Romance Mr. Bridgerton by Julia Quinn and the essay ‘Reflections on the Rights Use of School Studi...

Following the death of his grandmother, Casper has had some uncomfortable and unresolved questions about death and the afterlife. He used to feel very certain that death was the 'end' everything, but now he's not so sure. Is there such a thing as a 'soul'? And if so, does it go somewhere when the body dies? Drawing on Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace and a medieval illustration of death , Casper a...

Vanessa has a friend she wants to break-up with. The case is very clear cut: This person did something awful, and Vanessa no longer wants this person in her life. Does Vanessa owe it to this person to tell her that the friendship is over? And how does she tell the other people who might be effected by this friend break-up? Drawing on Jacques Derrida's theory of friendships and the U.S. version of...

Casper has lot of rituals in his life to slow down: he keeps a sabbath every week, he spends time at a monastery every few months. But still, he rarely feels truly relaxed. What's standing in his way, and what does it take to get there? Drawing on wisdom from The West Wing and German Philosopher Josef Pieper , Vanessa and Casper unpack what our culture has come to assume about work and w...

The term 'Karen' has imbedded itself in our culture, and as a white woman, Vanessa is keenly aware of the moments she might be called a Karen. But she's not quite sure when she's actually being a Karen, and when she's advocating for herself in a sexist society. Drawing on the movies Terms of Endearment and Mommy Dearest , Vanessa and Casper discuss women's anger and what to do with it. -- We are s...

This week, we’re joined by special guest Brigid Goggin who is bringing her own question to the podcast. Brigid loves setting boundaries and saying no. But as a person who suffers from anxiety, she worries that sometimes she is saying ‘no’ for the wrong reasons. How do you know when you should actually be saying 'yes' to something? Drawing on the song Climb Every Mountain from The Sound of Mus...

Following up on last week’s conversation, Casper and Vanessa return to some questions about the nature of evil. When do people do evil things and how do we prevent that from happening in ourselves? Drawing on the theology St. Augustine of Hippo (as shared by our friend Nick Hayes) and The Lord’s Prayer , Vanessa and Casper try and figure out how to keep ourselves oriented towards good in the world...

Casper used to believe that there was no such thing as evil. But since the Trump presidency, he can't suppress the creeping feeling that some people genuinely don't have good intentions. Does that count as evil? Drawing on the philosophy and letters of Hannah Arendt and the movie adaptation of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire , Vanessa and Casper work through what Casper truly believes about wh...

CW: We discuss weight loss and size in this episode. Vanessa owns the perfect polka dot dress. It’s sophisticated yet flirty, it makes her feel amazing every time she wears it, and it has the cutest gold button on the back. The problem is: Vanessa no longer fits in this dress. She hasn’t fit in it for a while now. Should she hold onto it just in case? Or is it time to say goodbye? Drawing on the p...

What do we owe our neighbors?  When Casper first moved to New York, he put a lot of effort into getting to know the other people in his apartment building. He even threw a rooftop party so that everyone could have the chance to meet one another. Now, as he’s settling into his life in NYC, he’s asking himself how much effort he really wants to put into knowing his neighbors. Should he throw an...