Rivertales: A Riverdale Podcast

In this episode we discuss Nana Rose having a clever solve for her own death, Veronica being in her annoying era, this episode basically ripping-off Veggie Tales, the Pop’s burger being a temptation fruit, the morality of killing Percival, an embarrassing rendition of Ladies Who Lunch, and a game where we recount all of the CW shows cancelled after one season.

We’re starting out calm before things get chaotic with some Riverdale ASMR, and then jump into the important subplot of Tabitha eating popcorn, Cheryl’s creepy painting, Keyona’s original labor anthem, including a Pirate’s Cove at the convention, Betty’s powers not coming in handy at all, Kevin having good knife-ography, Veronica’s good advice being a sign her next episode will be a complete disas...

In this episode we drink blue Gatorade, discuss Jughead’s hat being canonically queer, Keyona being a writer on the show, Baby Anthony (aka Baby Tooth) being the heart and soul and spirit of Riverdale, Dialysis Girl and the Boring Twins, Dr. Drank, the logic of Veronica’s trauma powers, prisoner gogo dancing, and a game of how we would spend our Veronica Dollars.

In this episode we talk about how Juniper and Dagwood should not be shipped together, more evidence the Riverdale team listens to our podcast, how hair touching can be sexual, witchcraft being an allegory for lesbianism, Coop being denied an appearance on the show, the GHOST. TRAIN… how Percival is Dark Tom Hanks in the Polar Express, Betty’s power becoming shooting good vibes, and play a game of...

In this episode we talk about Cheryl randomly using a Magic 8 Ball, how nothing is ever played for laughs, Penelope vanishing yet again, Archie’s irresistible butthole, Betty not using her powers, genius product placement editing, KJ Apa letting loose, Veronica girlbossing her way through her business meeting, and how if Jason knew how to crimp better Polly wouldn’t have gotten pregnant.

In this episode we talk about how logic wins, Bingo not fulfilling Archie’s happiness, looking up Percival/Kevin content, plot holes involving library books, Percival’s time traveling powers, the return of Crispy Jason, Betty using essential oils to clean her bathroom, and Glee having the best classical music.

In this episode, we talk about Minnesotan accents, whisperings of sex, Zoom fog, prepaid minutes on your phone, unpacking Archie’s narcissism, wondering how much a baby is, shooting people to activate their trauma powers, and a game of Riverdale writer’s room (product placement edition). .

We’re more zen in this episode talking about time travel powers caused by trauma, John Henry, Tabitha being the actual pure heart of Riverdale, some murky fascist undertones, Kevin’s stache looking good, Betty’s totem being a bobby pin, Pops’ Y2K eyebrows, how Riverdale is just turning into Charmed, and a blink and you’ll miss it revelation caught live on mic.

We are fired up this episode as we bring up Katy Keene yet again, Spontaneous Human Combustion, Gilmore Girls entering the Riverdale universe, the return of Veronica’s blonde wig, a Birdbox reference in 2022, trauma and puberty creating superpowers, everybody having a friend with all the answers, and where is all the palladium?

In this week’s episode we have completely abandoned TBK’s storyline, Percival selling Girl Scout Cookies, Veronica writing out her lines ahead of time, our new group name: The Powerpuff Girls, Elaine’s mystery snack, Abigail using the Internet, wondering why Kevin suddenly wants to be a dad, how being held at gunpoint by your mind controlled lover is romantic, the logic of Jughead’s powers, and Pe...

n this episode we talk about the Cole Sprouts GQ interview, Penelope maybe being dead, Mommie Dearest references, Kevin and Jason fighting for more than 10 lines, Cheryl’s dreamscape logic, Archie’s Kiwi goblin inner voice, being gaslit into forgetting about TBK’s storyline, everyone having a colonial backstory, Veronica’s millisecond character arch, Percival being a literal ghost, and we pay trib...

In this episode we talk about hamburgers being kryptonite, Kevin being a mime, a confusing sniper chain, another Doritos placement, being cavalier about dismemberment, a failed guess at TBK’s identity, a pro-dog fighting moment, and Jughead’s Live Laugh Love.

We’re finally back after 3 months without Riverdale and boy does this one deliver! We’ve got explosions, witchery, hearing loss, gang violence, superheroes, palladium, and evil twins? We also talk about how much money we would spend on Riverdale DVDs, plus a game of KJ Apa is a Weirdo!

A crazy meta episode with so much going including alternate universe names, a tangent about Noah Centeneo, yet again predicting the storyline, David Archetty, kissing your doppelgänger, Vughead being “canon” (barf), questioning if the Reggie’s kiss, needing energy to kill your son, and the craziest deus ex machina ever conceived that led to us losing our minds.

In this double feature episode we talk about Chowsy Cheddars being an orphan, the disappointing Sabrina cameo, Betty’s love language being stabbing, an hour-long Marry the Night performance, Cheryl’s immortal life not making any sense, how the Rivervale universe has an impenetrable logic, the writer’s room being a bunch of kindergartners, no one being able to read contracts, and a soup-er fun game...

From the looks of this episode it seems like someone on the writing staff has a bone to pick with women, but we also talk about going to the doctor for a wet handprint, ghosteses, Dagwood gets a line, getting a neck rub from a demon, confessing you love someone after moving in together, somehow aliens making more sense now, and we guess who’s gonna die next.

We’re back in an alternate reality known as Rivervale! Where the D’s are replaced with V’s! In this episode we talk about Jughead being Shaggy, how we were born in the darkness, Dr. Curdle tells you you’re infertile, how to reverse a curse from crushing spiders, Elaine and Sam lose their minds over the sapling plan, the precious and necessary resource of maple syrup, immediate infertility tests, g...

In this finale episode we talk about ordering your Falice merch, everyone being horny, how Dolly Parton might be the Trash Bag KIller, making up headlines for the Lodge Ledger, how palladium is the fifth element, Kevin being a New York influencer, what we would bring to threaten Hiram, palladium milkshakes, Nana Rose being the queen of withholding information, Betty’s family tree, Cheryl being mad...

It’s the surprise musical episode nobody asked for! Veronica gets turned on by the DOW, there’s some erotic Archie/Hiram fan fiction, whoosh sound effects, Cheryl Baby playing chess in front of the fire, we settle on a ship name for Toni and Fangs, Jugitha’s increasing lead in the ship department, and our new favorite character, Belly.

This jam-packed episode contains content such as the Mac and Cheese Killer, getting paid for mining through a payment app, Keyona being objectively right, Archie fighting Captain America style, some clarity on the rules of Cheryl’s religion, Hiram continues to be a Silly Cartoon Little Bitch, the return of Lergan Loman, and a detailed headcanon about Jughead seducing Junkyard Santa.

In this week’s episode we get into Cheryl’s performance for Riverdale’s Got Talent, helicopter ride shares, the big dogs doing jingle jangle, the Wall Beat Journal, a symbolic trench, how Keyona needs that crimp, and a segment where we just name things that are made of metal!

It's the return of Josie and her Pussycats we've been clamoring for! Plus we discuss an over abundance of unrelated musical sequences, our failed attempt at a stan name for Tabitha, Keyona boycotting Old Navy, fake milk, and who is Dad, who is Father, and who is Daddy?

On this week’s tryptic episode we see some slight Sabrina crossover, find out somehow everyone knows about the palladium mine now, Betty workshopping her new musical numbers with her hostage, a fat book, Hot Jughead Winter, and find a way to bring up Katy Keene yet again all while freaking out over a truly convoluted and gross side plot that did not need to happen.

In this week‘s episode we do not get into dog trauma, but we do talk about Archie’s pretty new brass knuckles, pouring beer on your plants, starting the Emmy campaign for Coop the Riverdale Cat, casual cape walking, getting baptized in vodka, and imaging Jason doing The Shoot.

It’s the Hiram Lodge origin story you’ve been clamoring for! Complete with terrible first drafts for names, uncomfortable casting choices, and a discussion on the validity of the alien storyline. Plus a fun game of Would You Hiram?