PastMaster: Reshaping History

The year 2985. Neon skyscrapers, AI entities living alongside organic counterparts, and Keon has just arrived with his Instagram muscles and a mission to prevent the "Great Data Wipeout" — a virus threatening to destroy centuries of stored human knowledge. Yes, this is partly inspired by Busted's "Year 3000." No, that doesn't make it less serious. The Game Master wastes no time roasting Keon's gym...

Berlin, 1884. Fourteen European nations are sitting around a table carving up an entire continent like a Christmas turkey, and Chinny Ukata and Astrid Madimba from It's a Continent podcast have been sent back to stop them. The Berlin Conference was the moment European powers gave themselves the green light to colonise Africa, drawing borders with rulers and zero consultation. No African representa...

Salisbury Plain, 3000 BCE. Keon's always wanted to know who built Stonehenge and why, so Ryan fired up ChatGPT and went looking for answers. The Game Master was told to be a flamboyant eccentric wizard narrator. It took the wizard bit literally. What follows is a Neolithic fever dream involving a mysterious man called Elron (alarm bells ringing immediately), crystal toilets, and secrets considerab...

Blackpool, 1959. The Labour Party conference is in full swing, and comedian Tom GK has arrived with possibly the most cerebral plan in PastMaster history: rewrite British politics by fixing Labour's housing policy. His target? Right to Buy. His theory? If Labour had adopted it first, Thatcherism would never have taken hold. One surgical intervention, two decades before anyone's heard of Margaret T...

Whitechapel, 1888. Jack the Ripper hasn't struck yet, and "Inspector Nathaniel" has just marched into London with one objective: catch the most notorious serial killer in history before the first victim falls. Tan's approach is methodical — prove he's from the future by predicting verifiable events, use that credibility to get inside Scotland Yard, then position himself to intercept the Ripper. Ca...

HMS Victory, 1805. Admiral Nelson is preparing for the Battle of Trafalgar, and Nick Horseman has just boarded as "Baron Cuthbert Wanklethorpe" — a name he insists is the most British thing imaginable. His mission: befriend Nelson, learn his naval tactics, and turn them into a board game. The kind of ambition that gets you either a knighthood or a hanging. Nick chose this era for personal reasons:...

Suffolk, 1645. The English Civil War is raging, self-appointed Witch Finder General Matthew Hopkins is terrorising East Anglia, and Tan has just landed in Bury St Edmunds as "Tom Dandelion" with a Halloween mission: shut down the most notorious witch hunter in English history. His toolkit? Three rational arguments, a Zangief-style spinning pile driver, and the willingness to turn 17th-century just...

Season 1 is done. Twenty episodes. Fast food in the Wild West, Guns N' Roses on a medieval lute, a headbutting Viking, a friendly orc, a stolen donkey, a dead cat, and Barbie trying to stop the atomic bomb. Time for a look back. Ryan, Tan, and Keon are joined "live, in-person" by the Game Master itself, voiced by special guest 'Dave.' From gaslighting Charles Darwin to pitching theme parks to Egyp...

New Mexico and Germany, 1945. The Manhattan Project is racing towards the atomic bomb, and two unlikely saboteurs have been sent back to stop it: Barbie and Ken. A two-player game inspired by the summer's Barbie and Oppenheimer double feature. Keon is Barbie, deep undercover in Los Alamos. Tan is Ken, deep undercover in Germany. One of them is all business. The other has accidentally started farmi...

Port Royal, Jamaica, 1592. The Golden Age of Piracy, the Caribbean's most notorious haven, and Ryan has finally cracked the code to make ChatGPT swear. The result is Captain F*ck-C*ntle — a foul-mouthed buccaneer with a crew of cutlass-rattling sea-dogs, a romantic interest called Belch-Breathed Bella, and a business plan built entirely around training parrots to swear like squaddies. Ryan's pirat...

Olympia, Greece, 776 BCE. The first Olympic Games are about to begin, the athletes are naked, and Keon's turned up with a plan to introduce wheelbarrow racing. With Louise Banham voicing the Game Master, the original Olympics are about to get some very unauthorised new events. Keon's pitch to the ancient Greek Olympic Committee: wheelbarrow racing as an official event. The fact that wheelbarrows w...

London, 1592. Shakespeare is writing plays, Queen Elizabeth I is ruling with an iron fist, and Louise Banham has just arrived with a plan to beat the Bard to the punch by writing Macbeth: The Musical. Her mission: become ruler of England through the power of jazz hands. It's a strategy that nobody, in any century, has attempted before. Louise's approach to Elizabethan power: infiltrate the theatre...

Vienna, 1911. The Habsburg Empire is creaking, Wagner's Lohengrin is playing at the opera house, and somewhere in the audience sits a young, failed art student who will one day start a world war. Nick Horseman has been sent back with one mission: find Adolf Hitler and kill him before he rises to prominence. The time machine is a log flume. Obviously. The ultimate pub conversation brought to life....

Ancient Egypt, 1250 BCE. The reign of Rameses II — one of the most powerful pharaohs in history, and Ryan's been tasked with deposing him. His plan? Insult the sacred cats. Repeatedly. With Nick Horseman taking over as Game Master and stricter rules in play, Ryan's immediate goal is to find out what happens if you try to lose on purpose. Ryan, as "Ryanardo," lands in Bubastis, the cult centre of c...

Chicago, 1926. Prohibition is in full swing, the speakeasies are packed, and Nick Horseman has just walked into one with his gangster patter down to a tee. His opening move? Spit whisky in the bartender's face and smash a glass on the floor. It's a power move. Whether it's a good one is another question entirely. Nick's approach to Prohibition-era organised crime: extreme confidence, zero subtlety...

Republican Rome, 70 BCE. The Circus Maximus is packed, the crowd is baying for blood, and Tan's just arrived with plans to pimp his chariot using 21st-century engineering know-how. Channelling his inner Premiership footballer, he struts into the arena and starts baiting the crowd before the race has even begun. Tan's strategy for Roman chariot racing: upgrade the ancient design with modern automot...

The Egyptian Underworld, 1400 BCE. Keon (aka Kheper) is knee-deep in the afterlife, and the jackal-headed god Anubis is deciding whether to weigh his heart or just rip it out of his chest. Keon's not here to be judged. He's here to pitch a theme park. Picking up from last week's descent into the ancient world, Kheper's plan for the Underworld involves talking his way past a series of increasingly...

Ancient Egypt, 1400 BCE. The New Kingdom is at its zenith — monumental temples, all-powerful pharaohs, and an elaborate system of gods who will absolutely rip your heart out if you displease them. Keon's arrived in Thebes as "Kheper," and his top priority is beard grooming tips. Specifically, the pharaoh's beard grooming tips. Everyone's got their reasons. Keon's approach to ancient Egypt: ignore...

Galilee, 25 AD. Baron Saffron's spice empire is taking shape — a gang of local tough-nuts, a stolen donkey, and unfinished business with Mordechai. But the saffron trade takes a backseat this week, because Tan's finally landed a meeting with the most famous man in the ancient world: Jesus Christ. And he's got notes. Tan's pitch to Jesus: abandon the preaching, embrace musical theatre, and let the...

Galilee, 25 AD. The Roman Empire is at its height, Jesus Christ is performing miracles down the road, and Tan's just been caught stealing bread. Not the most auspicious start for a man about to style himself as "Baron Saffron" — the region's most ambitious spice dealer. His plan: build a condiment empire in the ancient world. His methods: questionable at best. Tan's business model: undercutting, a...

The Jurassic era, 65 million years BCE. There are no humans, no language, and no reason whatsoever to attempt diplomacy with a T-Rex. Tan's doing it anyway. As "Tanimus Maximus," he's arrived with a plan to befriend the dinosaurs, arm them with wooden helmets, and teach them the cultural rewards of song and dance. The mammal revolution starts here. PastMaster's parameters get pushed to breaking po...

Medieval England, 1415. The Battle of Agincourt is looming, Henry V is rallying his troops, and comedian Sunil Patel has gone straight to a tavern to ask a group of merchants if anyone's got a job going. His pitch: "I have a very particular set of skills that will only become apparent once you give me the job." The merchants are intrigued. They probably shouldn't be. Sunil's approach to 15th-centu...

Victorian London, 1851. Charles Darwin is working on the most important scientific text in history, and Ryan's just turned up at the pub under the deeply suspicious pseudonym "Ryland Mulchroneforth." His plan? Gaslight the father of evolution, steal credit for the Theory of Natural Selection, and demand a piggyback across town. The Game Master this week is Marvin the Paranoid Android from The Hitc...

The Shire, Middle Earth. Gandalf's got a plan to destroy the One Ring. Tan thinks it's rubbish. Arriving as "Thokk the Unthinkable" — a friendly orc, which is already a contradiction — Tan's here to fix Tolkien's plot holes. The Fellowship spent three books and eleven hours of cinema walking the Ring to Mount Doom. Tan reckons he could sort it in about twenty minutes. It involves the Eagles. PastM...

Scandinavia, circa 850 AD. The Viking Age is at its peak, longships are terrorising the coasts of Europe, and Keon's just arrived with one goal: be worshipped as a god. His opening move? Walk up to a rival chieftain called Bjorn, shout "what are you looking at?", and headbutt him in the face. Subtle, it is not. Styling himself as "Jarl Olaf," Keon's approach to Viking politics is pure aggression....