No Crying In Baseball

We note once or twice that the Washington Nationals won the World Series. The end of the postseason signals the start of the hot stove season so Patti offers a vocabulary lesson in exercising options. Pottymouth posits that Never Gonna be a Boyfriend Aroldis Chapman did not opt-out of his Yankees contract because there are no other places for abusive relievers. Scott Boras manages all of the top t...

The “ Calma” in the Nationals clubhouse is so much more delightful than the toxic culture over at the Astros .  And that’s not just two Nats fans talking, The Assistant GM of the Astros has been fired, and MLB is investigating belligerence, inappropriate behavior, and outright lies perpetrated by the Astros organization.  Never should have brought that Osuna guy on to begin with.  And don’t try to...

In an unexpected role reversal, Pottymouth steers us away from shotskis and towards responsible behavior and making amends. Patti, meanwhile, says “balls” too much, and narrowly avoids a shotski situation at a college hockey game. Our postseason boyfriends past and present play some sexy defense ( Michael Brantley ), and hit some key homeruns ( DJ LeMahieu and Jose Altuve ). Brantley also hits a s...

Part-way through the AL and NL championship rounds, we welcome bandwagon fans. Come on board, we’ll make room for everyone and don’t let anyone tell you you don’t belong. It’s our job to try to keep you, not disregard you for not being born into a baseball-loving family. Besides, bandwagon fans are the most fun to explain superstitions and rituals to. Same seats! No he CANNOT shave that terrible b...

Haven’t had a rant like this for a while. Pottymouth goes off on that fucking Tomahawk Chop, which got personal for Cardinal’s pitcher Ryan Helsey , but if that is what it took for you to see the problem , what the heck is wrong with you?  You cannot simultaneously give your fans foam tomahawks and say you are taking steps to eliminate the chop.  Side note, Patti swears for real. Everybody was mad...

In the calm between the regular season and the start of the postseason, we review, regroup, revile, and rejoice.  Yadier Molina gives us the last bench-clearing conversation of the season. Our baseball boyfriends past and present clean up with the batting titles. Tim Anderson, Anthony Rendon, Mookie “Pookie” Betts, and future BF Pete Alonzo do us proud.  Patti reveals that catcher Tony Wolters has...

With one week left in the season, is there enough time for Pete Alonso to break the record for home runs by a rookie? Can Ronald Acuña, Jr. steal those last three bases to join the coveted 40-40 club? Will Nick Castellanos hit those last two doubles for a season high of 60, not seen since 1936? Add that to the two Central division champions and all the wildcards to be decided and it’s a heck of a...

So many guys are out for the rest of the season.  Some from random and heartbreaking injury, and some from preventable mayhem. We mourn the loss of Christian Yelich and ponder the opportunity that Shohei Ohtani ’s knee surgery provides to improve his command of Spanish language cursing .  We give a hearty WTaF to Kyle Crick ’s “I punched my own teammate over music choices” injury and Michael Pined...

After 3364 plate appearances, Wilson Ramos finally stole a base . Ronald Acuña Jr. stole the very same base to join the 30-30 club.  Who gets the base?  It’s a boyfriend smackdown. Ketel Marte's slams earns player of the week and proves Pottymouth right.  Matt Olson earns some boyfriend love from Patti, even though she’d prefer his Oakland team would please lose just enough for Cleveland to cement...

Christian Yelich just keeps racking up the points as Patti’s Brewer’s boyfriend. Not one bit of this week’s discussion touches on his baseball prowess. There’s plenty of other characteristics on which to focus, many of which are on display in the ESPN Body Issue . He also ups the humor game with his walk-up song salute to a twitter critic, and we are here for it. We cross-train a little with the B...

Patti, Pottymouth, and Big Papi all took kids to college last week, and everyone lived through it. Players Weekend gave us some fashion statements we loved, and some we really didn’t appreciate . Mookie Betts honoring Big Papi with his cleat design, and Aaron Judge having all 200+ Little League World Series players sign his cleats? Definitely in the plus column. Tributes to Tyler Skaggs?  We’re he...

Patti and the Pottymouth may be updating resumes after our conversation with Paige Hegedus , Manager, Special Events and Affiliate Programming for Minor League Baseball. Paige oversees the official employment service of Minor League Baseball , which organizes job fairs and networking opportunities at baseball’s Winter Meetings, conducts recruitment events on college campuses, and develops outreach...

All the young dudes, okay, many young dudes, get some attention from Patti and the Pottymouth this week. Our Atlanta Boyfriends, Ronald Acuna Jr. and Ozzie Albies , are tearing it up. Bo Bichette (not Boba Fett), of the Blue Jays, is so shiny we aren’t even talking about Vlad Jr. Patti takes a field trip to the Single A Ironbirds to scout first-round draft pick Adley Rutschman and is not disappoin...

Patti and the Pottymouth finally attend a Copa de la Diversión game with the Cangrejos Fantasmas. Once more, in English: we went to a Bowie Baysox game on a “Fun Cup” day, celebrating Hispanic culture, where the Baysox played as their alter-ego, the Ghost Crabs of the Chesapeake. And was Patti ever surprised to find that one of the Ghost Crabs was her Orioles boyfriend, Cedric Mullins , who was bu...

Much to Pottymouth’s delight, Patti finally embraces “Baby Shark.”   Not as a song, of course, but as a builder of fan unity. This leads to a whole slew of rules, suggestions, and musings about fan participation (the Stretch is compulsory, but leave your Chop at home).   Patti’s Cleveland BF Jose Ramirez is on a tear, making that early-season pick of league MVP not so ridiculous. Pottymouth’s Os B...

Patti and the Pottymouth celebrate the 50th anniversary of the Moon landing by sharing the story of Hall of Fame pitcher  Gaylord Perry and one of the greatest coincidences in baseball history. You just can’t make this stuff up. Patti tries to add the story to her collection of anti-DH evidence , but timing is on Pottymouth’s side as the 2019 Hall of Fame induction ceremony , which happened moment...

The Pulaski Yankees, that is. Patti and the Pottymouth road-tripped again, this time to Pulaski, VA (as Patti says, go to Roanoke and then keep going). After her interview in Episode 77, “Puig Fuels the Fracas ,” GM Betsy Haugh invited your hosts to enjoy Ag Night at Calfee Field . She promised cows, and cows there were.  Betsy was gracious enough to chat with us again after our day at the Best Ro...

Patti and the Pottymouth fangirled in Cleveland over the All-Star Break. Patti cried meeting Omar Vizquel (“I love Omar”) and Pottymouth stammered during the No Crying in Baseball / Mike Napoli sandwich photo. Mike “Human Rain Delay” Hargrove demonstrated his moves. Your hosts danced at a Killers’ show and provided structural support to their fan base.  Evidence of this and more on all of our soci...

Patti and The Pottymouth are packing their bags for All-Star Weekend in Cleveland, the land of Patti’s birth. There’s a happy dance for Anthony Rendon finally making the team and a check-in on who we are looking forward to seeing in the Big Game. The Cleveland Team and MLB are investing long-term in the community — it pays to host the All-Star Game. But before we leave, there’s a grooming segment....

Breaking up is hard to do. Cleveland broke up with Leonys Martin , and so must Pottymouth. Patti and the Nationals say goodbye to Trevor Rosenthal , he of the formerly infinite ERA.   The Chicago White Sox and the Washington Nationals are the first to take the next step in extending protective netting. In the same week that another fan seated just beyond the dugout netting in Dodger Stadium was hi...

When did stealing home get to be a thing? Current boyfriend Leonys Martin just did it, and so did former boyfriend Elvis Andrus, and even never-gonna-be-a-boyfriend Rougned Odor. We can’t get enough of that. Patti can totally get enough of home runs, however. The pace is scary, and too much of a good thing is boring . The ball is juiced and she can prove it with just one statistic . Baseball scien...

The Nationals do Pride right , but Patti may still write a letter about rainbow jerseys. Big Papi, David Ortiz , heads to Boston for medical care after the shooting in Santa Domingo. Elvis Andrus gets in one more head rub, and a bathrobe, as the Rangers retire Adrian Beltre’s number . The long strange trip of this year’s Free Agency season has finally come to an end. It only took until the Draft....

Is it drafty in here? Pottymouth 1) overviews the MLB draft process in which >1200 high school and college boys get a shot at their dreams , 2) plays the tiny violins for the Orioles yet again, and 3) explains why this is the week Dallas Keuchel and Craig Kimbrel will finally get signed. Patti goes on a rant just this side of PG-13 about protective netting. Yet another child was sent to the hos...

Former President Barack Obama hits a first-pitch double, completes a touchdown pass, buys organic produce and recognizes greatness in the children attending after-school programs at the Nationals Baseball Academy. Damn, he sets the Baseball Boyfriend bar high.  Christian Yelich cross-trains hard, attending a Milwaukee Bucks game with some Green Bay Packers and chugging arena beer like a native son...

Today’s baseball math includes Victor Robles + Matt Grace = Patti, and Patti + Matt Grace = Gerardo Parra . Yes, it is a birthday / no GoT spoilers show. Matt Olson proves the hamate is the appendix of the hand. Leonys Martin says thank you and Ian Kinsler says F-you, much to Pottymouth’s delight. SI typecasts Patti, with Jason Heyward on her fantasy team. Your hosts propose expanding “hit for the...