Linoleum Knife

Dave and Alonso just want their summer blockbusters to be the life-changing experiences they are advertised to be, is that asking so much? Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, subscribe at iTunes, stream on Stitcher, if the nightingale could sing like you, it'd sing much sweeter than they do.

Alonso is back from Dallas with stories about the USA Film Festival, but Dave has tales of cookies, free cake and some grumpy old ladies at a smooth radio station's movie screening that winds up being anything but mellow. Like our Facebook page, follow us @linoleumcast, subscribe at iTunes, got nowhere to go, all my time is free, so come on baby make a move on me.

A slumgullion of science fiction and the divergent spiritual paths of Terrence Malick and Rob Zombie (to say nothing of Ingmar Bergman and Demi Moore) are on Dave and Alonso's menu. Also, Dave was totally super-wrong about Usher not being in "Scary Movie V," so there. Like our Facebook page, follow us @linoleumcast, leave us a positive review on iTunes, I'll be poolside if you're lookin' for me.

Dave and Alonso discuss Very Loud Music, the triumph of the (iron) will and more. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, stream us on Stitcher, check in at Get Glue, if words could speak they'd mean even less.

Alonso wanted to write a limerick with "They try not to spoil/the new Danny Boyle" as the third and fourth line, but Dave kiboshed it because there weren't enough words that rhymed with "Roger," much less "Ebert." Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, leave us a review on iTunes, and when she passes, each one who passes goes, "Ahhh."

If you don't want to hear any spoilers for the new Tyler Perry movie, stop now, because Dave and Alonso tell you all the reasons why you need to see this crackpot masterpiece of stupidness. They also share theories as to why it would have been ever better had the late Stephen Stucker ("Airplane!") had been cast in place of Kim Kardashian. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, e-mail us at...

Dave and Alonso disagree on campaign slogans for presumptive Senator-to-be Ashley Judd but they both think that Tina Fey deserves to be in way, way better movies. Subscribe on iTunes, like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, stream us at Stitcher Radio, promise her the moon when the sun is bright.

Dave and Alonso take the usual yellow brick road of digressions while discussing the week's new movies. Like our Facebook page, follow us @linoleumcast (and @aduralde and @dlelandwhite), stream on Stitcher Radio, leave us a nice iTunes review, check in at GetGlue, well you've always liked roller coasters and I'd be happy to let my stomach turn for you.

China, chickens and Godzilla are just some of the pressing issues that Dave and Alonso face this week. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, leave us a rave review at iTunes, stream us at Stitcher Radio, smile for a while and let's be jolly.

Dave and Alonso tell you which new movie is like the maze on the back of a Howard Johnson's placemat and other important stuff that has nothing whatsoever to do with the Academy Awards. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, check in at GetGlue.com, stream at Stitcher Radio, like us, hate us, but you'll never change us.

Dave and Alonso explain why some movies are like swallowing a penny and why all movies would be improved by the presence of Margo Martindale, preferably holding a live peacock. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, leave us a review at iTunes, check in on GetGlue, tell me you're tryin' to cure a seven-year ache.

Robert Abele of the Los Angeles Times joins Dave and Alonso this week, and of course the heterosexual guest is the only one of us who saw the gay movie. We also discuss why Melissa McCarthy is the new Oliver Hardy and the outsider art of Y.K. Kim. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, stream us on Stitcher Radio, fare thee well my Texas moon.

While Gary builds their new kitchen table in the background, Dave and Alonso fall in love with zombies all over again and wonder when Sylvester Stallone became such a pill. Like our Facebook page, follow us @linoleumcast (and @aduralde and @dlelandwhite), review us on iTunes, people who need people are the luckiest people in the world.

Dave and Alonso defend some of Jennifer Lopez's film work and imagine a conversation with Halle Berry's wig. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, check in on GetGlue.com, stream us on Stitcher Radio, do your little turn on the catwalk.

Dave and Alonso recall 2012's rock bottom, while also suggesting movies so awful that you really must see them. (The Ghost Rider-Madea crossover, alas, exists only in our wishes.) Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, check in on GetGlue, stream on Stitcher Radio, brother and sister, together, will make it through.

EPISODE 100, Y'ALL. And they said it wouldn't last. Dave and Alonso deglaze the pan of 2012 with the year's final new releases and their choices of the best movies of the year. Turin horses and plague-surviving will be mentioned. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, check in on GetGlue.com, thank you for all the joy and pain.

Dave has his buttons pushed by Barbra Streisand. Alonso does his Werner Herzog impersonation. It's that kind of episode. (Number 99, to be exact.) Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, stream us on Stitcher Radio, have the most, the merriest.

Dave and Alonso are getting over being sick, but there's just so much to share about the creepy new 48 frames-per-second technology and the belt-cracking joys of "This Christmas." Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, stream us at Stitcher Radio, hang your stockings and say your prayers 'cause Santa Claus comes tonight.

Wash your hands after listening, because Dave and Alonso are both fighting off colds. But they rallied enough to discuss the truth about "Jingle Bells," a double-shot of C.Z. Jones, and much more. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, check in at GetGlue, pass around the coffee and the pumpkin pie.

If you thought Dave and Alonso were done talking about Christmas movies, well no. Director Jim Fall ("Trick") drops by to talk about his latest Lifetime joint "Holly's Holiday" and to share the show's first-ever live and in-person Top Ten list. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, stream us on Stitcher Radio, let man his songs employ.

Dave and Alonso are on their A-game, what with the very fancy (and hilarious) Manohla Dargis, film critic for The New York Times, dropping by to talk about holiday movies. (And did we mention that Alonso is the author of HAVE YOURSELF A MOVIE LITTLE CHRISTMAS? http://amzn.to/b444F8 ) Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, just hear those sleigh bells ring-a-ling, jing-ting-ting-a-ling too.

Dave and Alonso look back on the insane fan response to one of this generation's most popular franchises and parse the difference between the Tolstoy heroine and the Godard star. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, check in at GetGlue.com, you need another lover like you need a hole in your head.

Dave and Alonso discuss wine tastings, crazy secessionists and the golden age of sleazy PG movies, along with the week's new movies. Like our Facebook page, follow us @linoleumcast, subscribe (and review!) at iTunes, don't sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me.

Dave can't stop himself from giggling over a particular actress' last name, while Alonso is very disappointed in a certain musician-turned-director. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, write us at linoleumpodcast@gmail.com, why waste your time, you know you're gonna be mine.

Dave recalls the Halloween he dressed as a popular cereal mascot while Alonso wants October 31 to be over so Christmas can begin in earnest. Like us on Facebook, stream us on Stitcher Radio, subscribe for free at iTunes, bang on the drum all day.